“Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.” – Matthew 7:13-14
The road less travelled that I take daily is to lay down my desires of having a same sex relationship, I die to my desires daily and sometimes that can be easy, sometimes and most times that’s not the case. We live in a world that glamorizes homosexuality, I’m seen as stupid and one who hates their true self. I’ve been told that I’m denying myself happiness and who I really am and I’ve been told to explore these feelings, both things shook me up and caused me confusion and pain for awhile. Why would it cause me pain and confusion? If I know it’s not who I am or who I’m meant to be then why let it bother me? Because it’s a weakness, it’s a sin that lives in me, it’s a weakness the enemy knows all too much about so he would send lies my way “Are you sure you’re not gay? Are you sure God says it’s wrong? You could be happy right now and you’re denying yourself that happiness, you deserve to be happy. You can’t even say you’re straight, how can you then not be gay?” Sometimes I fight, sometimes ignore the enemy and just let him talk another time it gets to me and I get tired of hearing it, I get tired of fighting it and the first thing that comes to mind is to quit, to give it all up, to go find a bar or buy some cigarettes because clearly they helped the first time. Since I was a little girl I had a love for God that no one in my immediate family had, we’d all go to church but my parents would share stories about this unique love and reverence I had for God even at a young age, I know it came from him because I loved him without even really knowing him, I wanted to make sure my parents would be saved and I’d try to follow him with everything. I grew up and that changed but his love kept him close to me, while I was no longer close to him he never left me. It’s because of his love for me why I didn’t dive into a lesbian relationship and why I continue to fight it even when my flesh says it would be a good thing.
I stay on this road, this painful, lonely at times, treacherous, steep and high road, I stay because he has something great in store for me and I don’t want to miss it. He has a plan for me to be his voice in my generation, in this time and place to win souls for him and set them free as he’s setting me free. The world around me is crying out to be rescued, to be heard and seen, to be freed, to be told who they really are and he’s the only one who has the key and the answers. I get to be a part of that plan and because of that I will choose to hang on during those days when I wanna quit and the nights when I feel alone, when I wonder what God is doing and why this hurts so much or why the pain hasn’t ended as yet, I stay because he has a mission for me and the mission isn’t simply for me to get to heaven but to speak the good news to others, to be his light in this dark world so he can begin/continue his good work in his children.
I’m grateful that he sees me when I was unseen, when I didn’t think I had anything to offer, I’m grateful that he will use the most shameful thing I have in me, the thing I wouldn’t share with anyone because I feared rejected and I feared I’d be treated differently. I’m grateful that he wants to make a ministry out of it.