“It may look like I’m surrounded but I’m surrounded by you. This is how I fight my battles.”
I started my journal entry with the words “how am I feeling? I feel scared, anxious, and like I’m fighting to breathe.” As I continued my thoughts and feelings connected, I feel out of control and I don’t believe God is in control. From where I am standing it looks like God isn’t winning, if he isn’t winning that means he isn’t in control, and how can I trust him when he can’t be in control during a battle? I am glad I found that out because it allowed me to talk to God about it, it allowed me to cry, and it allowed me to ask for God’s help. I dunno how I will feel an hour from now or how I will feel tomorrow but at this moment, I feel like I don’t have to be in control. When I think of God being in control, sometimes I feel peace, sometimes I feel a piercing pain in my heart that reminds me I still don’t trust God with everything. How can I trust someone I still see as small and powerless instead of strong and powerful? I need the filters to be removed, the scales to fall away that makes it hard for me to trust God. I go in with my own story where I am afraid of being left behind. I can somewhat handle if people leave because they’re people but I don’t think I would be able to handle it if GOD leaves. God isn’t supposed to leave me, he is God, and he said so himself. Similar to how I do relationships, I keep my distance, because if I am not too close then I can’t get hurt or at least not as much as I would’ve if I were really close. To trust someone you have to know them, you can’t trust someone you don’t know and while I’ve gotten close to my heavenly father, I still will only get so close. Because I control how close we are, it prevents me from knowing who he really is and whether he is trustworthy when I am sick AND healthy. Even though I limit God, yet he still shows me that he is here. At my latest trip to the ER, I saw a huge circle with tons of horses riding all around it, back and forth, horses with armed soldiers armed with helmets, shields, breastplates, boots, and swords- these were heavenly chariots. I then saw something in the middle of the circle, something white and huge with wings hovering over something and holding it tightly, beneath those wings I saw myself curled up in a little ball covering up. I saw that and it brought me peace because I knew that was God’s way of letting me know I am being protected by his heavenly hosts. Today I sensed God calling in more forces and this time Jesus was called. I expected the angels to come and fight, maybe I have another limited view of Jesus, but I’ll focus on one thing at a time. I sensed everyone fighting for me, everyone in heaven. When I worshipped today I envisioned the enemy covering his ears and I just kept on singing…” surprisingly” it encouraged me and inspired me to give control over to God – even if it for this moment- that’s all I have, this moment, and at this moment I used it to fight this battle worshiping God and it strengthened and softened my heart all at the same time. I can’t MAKE myself trust God, I can’t FIGURE OUT how to trust him but I realized when I sang praises to him I wasn’t scared or anxious, I was at peace and I felt his love for me through every word I sang and words I just cried through, I realized that’s what I can do, focus on HIM and he will do the work within me to eventually trust him for longer than this moment. Sometimes, I forget but all I need to do is sing, pray, or even cry and God will come through for me every time.