Washed Clean

“I儭 will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I儭 will cleanse you from all impurities and from all your idols.” – Ezekiel 36:25″ I儭 bathed you with water and washed the blood from you and put ointments on you.” – Ezekiel 16:9 I儭 was journaling earlier and several things came up that brought me to these verses; 1 Jesus can silence the demons and 2 he’s washing me clean. The second one came up in my therapy session as a visual and journaling reminded me of the verse where my therapist said it’s located. I’ve been battling depression, which is something I’ve battled with since I儭 was a kid. I’ve recently accepted and admitted it to myself and others but the question still lingers, what do I儭 do after I儭 accept and admit it. Do I儭 just sit and allow it to continue or do I儭 ask God for help and fight it somehow. I儭 wrote in my journal that I儭 feel as though the enemy is holding onto my joy and he doesn’t want to let it go and what exactly am I儭 suppose to do about that? I儭 don’t really know but I儭 did what I儭 thought I儭 should in the moment. I儭 went to scripture and saw sections where Jesus drove demons out of people and commanded them to be quiet and so I儭 did what Jesus did. I儭 commanded them to leave and I儭 commanded them to be quiet. I儭 didn’t command the depression to leave but I儭 commanded the one holding onto my joy to leave. He leaves and my joy will return. I儭n my therapy session I儭 saw Jesus washing me clean in a vision, sprinkling water over me; even while I儭 had no joy or hope that things would change I儭 saw him washing me. He healed so many people and he continues to heal people, I儭 pray he is healing me now even when I儭 can’t feel/see it.

So he bent over her and rebuked the fever, and it left her. She got up at once and began to wait on them.

凌胎uke 4:39


Opposition to the Rebuilding

….But the man who sounded the trumped stayed with me. – Nehemiah 4:8

The last two days Ive been feeling a disconnection between myself and God, not entirely but when Id get in my head and panic mode I couldnt hear him or feel him near. I had a hard time being in his word, mainly because I didnt know where to go and the words didnt seem to connect with how I was feeling, I couldnt read about being courageous as I was in Joshua, even though courage is what I need, it wasnt what spoke to me. I needed to see what was going on in the spirit world, I needed to see that God was fighting for me and that Id be okay because things are still in motion. I flipped through my bible and hidden behind some papers was Nehemiah chapter 4 opposition to the rebuilding. Immediately I knew it would be my resting place for the night and almost every verse spoke to me. The verse that brought me comfort, is the one I quoted above. In the passage its talking about a human, but when I read it I saw Jesus. Jesus is the man with the trumpet, he sounds the trumpet when needed and he stays with me always. Even when the world seems to be falling beneath me, he still stands and he stands next to me. Not only did I need to see what was going on, with Gods plans and what the enemy was up to but I also needed to see and remember that Jesus is with me. He is with me as Im being rebuilt, he is with me as the enemy tempts to destroy the new structure, he is with me as the enemy taunts and ridicules my efforts and Gods efforts at the rebuilding of my new life. He stands off to the side because thats as close as God will allow him to get to me, and he yells, he throws rocks and he tries to destroy because thats what he does but God says he is with me even then. Something huge is around the corner when the enemy starts to yell, his quiet lies arent working the way he wants so he yells them and he throws accusations against me about who I am and who I am not. Our God will fight for us! (vs 20) Im human so sometimes I forget that. When the pain is excruciating and unbearable, when the lies are constant and when reality or being in the present hurts its hard to believe that God is with me and he is fighting the battle so I dont have to. The good thing about having a relationship with God is that I can not only pray for him to turn the enemys plans and insults back on his head but I can also pray for him to help me when I forget he is with me/for me. He is a warrior and he is a Prince…tough yet tender and right now I need both. Thank God he sounds the trumpet and calls for his angels to fight for me and protect me and thank God he is with me. He is tearing down the old Jericho walls and rebuilding a new city on a hill within me.


No darkness gonna stand in my way…If my way is your way then youll make me radiate. In the dark your light shines brighter.

Theres a lot of darkness in our world, look at the news and all you see around is darkness and chaos. At times I cant see the true darkness because of denial/maybe Gods protection. Im in the middle of writing my testimony and just when I think Ive faced a lot of the pain and darkness from the past, God shows me more pain that Ive been hiding from. Pain I obviously wanted to ignore and pretend it wasnt hurting me but it is and it does hurt. Along with the pain, God is showing me life, hes showing me that I am no longer in that place and it doesnt define me. I am not abandoned, left behind, a reject, unwanted, unloved and uncared for (is that a word, I dunno…if not it is now, my brain is fried). Hes showing me that I have people in my life that love and care for me and the bruises and wounds left behind will disappear. It hurts but I dont have to live in that place anymore and I pray God will hold my hand and walk me out of that pain.

I was listening to this song quoted above and realized thats what God is doing right now. Even though the pain is real, hes leading me and because of that hes making me shine and radiate. God is with me and hes already healing me so I can charge into the new life hes preparing me for. If my way is his way then he will make me radiate.

The Journey

We also rejoice in sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. Phil 5:3

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. – Phil 4:13

I read in my devotional today about persevering under trials and hardships and one particular part among many stood out to me; you have to cooperate with My Spirit as he guides you through times of suffering. It dawned on me, clearer than before that its the Holy Spirits gentle guidance in my life right now why I keep going. At times I would think Im in denial or Im a fraud and thats why I havent crumbled or cracked as yet but nope, Im hearing God speak to me and when I choose to listen to him I feel peace in the midst of the storm. Sometimes I dont listen, at times I get up out of bed and I do the thing I think I ought to do because theres so much to do and before I know it Im overwhelmed. When I take breaks during my day to sit and be quiet with God, I can hear him tell me what to do next and I know its from him because I feel peace, even when its confusing in my head, I feel peace in my soul. I will change my mind when the world starts screaming my name and then I have to remember that I felt peace earlier and ask myself what did the voice tell me to do that brought about that peace? Thats what I stick with. I have so many things that I think I ought to do and it makes sense in my head to do it now but God says wait, I fight him sometimes but he wins in the end and I end up somewhere exhausted and overwhelmed. I walk through the valley of death and dried bones everyday, I see myself there, but she seems to be sparkling – shes not dead anymore, shes alive and free. I see this new me emerging and I think a part of me just wants to share her with God for now, a part of me is scared to share all that I see is taking place whether it be before me or in my heart, I dunno if that self protection is good or not but its where Im at right now. I believe thats a part of me I need to hold onto, because sometimes I forget that Im changing and I believe the lies that this is far as Ill get or I havent changed a bit since yesterday. Last night I fell asleep with the words I am brand new in my head and my heart, its what God used to get me to sleep because the lies told me otherwise.

I walk a lonely road. The only one that I have ever known. Don’t know where it goes. But it’s only me, and I walk alone. I walk this empty street. On the boulevard of broken dreams – Green Day

Punk rock used to be my favorite type of music and those words came to mind just now, some of it I can relate to some I no longer find comfort or identity in. The road at times feel lonely, I at times feel like Im alone but I know thats not the truth because God is with me and while my journey is unique I still have people in my life that I can share bits and pieces with. For sure I have no clue where this road/street is leading me to and at times I want to get off on the next exit because it just doesnt make sense to me. God says to trust him and to follow him, to follow him where? I have no idea except that hes leading me to more freedom. Freedom down a dark alley that seems scary and messy but Im going. Ill sit at his feet, Ill hold onto him, Ill cry on his shoulders when I need to when I feel like I cant take one more step but Im going. The boulevard is no longer filled with broken dreams/promises or smelly garbage cans but hopes and dreams that I hid away a long time ago. Im grateful for this journey that God has me on; a journey of rebirth – a new me!

The Road Less Travelled

“Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.” – Matthew 7:13-14

The road less travelled that I take daily is to lay down my desires of having a same sex relationship, I die to my desires daily and sometimes that can be easy, sometimes and most times that’s not the case. We live in a world that glamorizes homosexuality, I’m seen as stupid and one who hates their true self. I’ve been told that I’m denying myself happiness and who I really am and I’ve been told to explore these feelings, both things shook me up and caused me confusion and pain for awhile. Why would it cause me pain and confusion? If I know it’s not who I am or who I’m meant to be then why let it bother me? Because it’s a weakness, it’s a sin that lives in me, it’s a weakness the enemy knows all too much about so he would send lies my way “Are you sure you’re not gay? Are you sure God says it’s wrong? You could be happy right now and you’re denying yourself that happiness, you deserve to be happy. You can’t even say you’re straight, how can you then not be gay?” Sometimes I fight, sometimes ignore the enemy and just let him talk another time it gets to me and I get tired of hearing it, I get tired of fighting it and the first thing that comes to mind is to quit, to give it all up, to go find a bar or buy some cigarettes because clearly they helped the first time. Since I was a little girl I had a love for God that no one in my immediate family had, we’d all go to church but my parents would share stories about this unique love and reverence I had for God even at a young age, I know it came from him because I loved him without even really knowing him, I wanted to make sure my parents would be saved and I’d try to follow him with everything. I grew up and that changed but his love kept him close to me, while I was no longer close to him he never left me. It’s because of his love for me why I didn’t dive into a lesbian relationship and why I continue to fight it even when my flesh says it would be a good thing.

I stay on this road, this painful, lonely at times, treacherous, steep and high road, I stay because he has something great in store for me and I don’t want to miss it. He has a plan for me to be his voice in my generation, in this time and place to win souls for him and set them free as he’s setting me free. The world around me is crying out to be rescued, to be heard and seen, to be freed, to be told who they really are and he’s the only one who has the key and the answers. I get to be a part of that plan and because of that I will choose to hang on during those days when I wanna quit and the nights when I feel alone, when I wonder what God is doing and why this hurts so much or why the pain hasn’t ended as yet, I stay because he has a mission for me and the mission isn’t simply for me to get to heaven but to speak the good news to others, to be his light in this dark world so he can begin/continue his good work in his children.

I’m grateful that he sees me when I was unseen, when I didn’t think I had anything to offer, I’m grateful that he will use the most shameful thing I have in me, the thing I wouldn’t share with anyone because I feared rejected and I feared I’d be treated differently. I’m grateful that he wants to make a ministry out of it.

Make me like Neo

That was my prayer to God after I watched The Matrix for the first time which was today, in 2017, I know that’s horrible! Make me like Neo, God! I want to jump off buildings, soar high, dodge bullets and even get to that point where I no longer have to dodge them but say out loud “no” and just watch them freeze and fall to the ground. Similar to Neo, he started off not believing he was the one Morpheus had in mind to change the world, others around him doubted it was true but the one who sought him out for years, knew he was the one no matter what anyone said or what Neo thought. I don’t know why, but God sees something in me, his dreams for me scares me and I at times say I must’veheard wrong, this cant be real, he didn’t mean me….why me? He didn’t choose me to change the world, to be his voice in my generation, he can’t have all this in store for me. Thinking about it not only scares me but it makes me emotional where i’ll start crying. When I said that prayer I thought of the movie “Like Mike”, how that lilkid wanted so much to play basketball like Michael Jordan and for awhile he was able to. I realized after I prayed that prayer that even more than being like Neo or Mike, my desire and God’s goal for me is to be like Jesus. Jesus can walk on waves, heal the blind, the sick, the demon-possessed, he can raise the dead, he can feed thousands of people with 5 loaves and two fishes, he can catch fishes in a location where there were no fish until the boat is about to capsize and he comes back from the dead, just to name a few. I think with that resume I prefer to be like Jesus. One thing my pastor says continuously is the fact that God’s vision and goal for my life, isn’t a simple get baptized, be saved and then go to Heaven, its a part of it but it doesn’t end there. God’s vision and goal for our lives as Christ followers is to be more like our teacher(Jesus), his vision for us is one of transformation and making disciples of others. Before Jesus ascended into Heaven, he told his disciples to go and make disciples of every nation. I am here to make disciples of every nation, his mission for me isn’t limited to one church or one town or even one generation but a multitude of things. That’s scary to think about and even to write, I find it hard to speak to people and share my heart or passion, the idea of taking it global or from town to town seems beyond scary to me. That’s why I need to be more like Jesus because on my own I would stay stuck in fear and my insecurities, unable to do what he’s asked of me, which is to preach his good news and make disciples. I don’t think his vision for my life will ever end, little by little he reveals more, he reveals to the extent of what I can handle in the moment and then he takes my hand and walks with me. I see things coming into play and I see new doors opening, I see them opening but I’mquestioning if it’s really a door and if that’s really a light poking through or should I just stay put. Time will tell, for now I can keep praying for those dreams, talking to God about what I think is happening, sharing my heart with him and continuing to ask him to help me be more like Jesus.



Scars to your Beautiful

For several months now I’ve become more aware of my wounds and scars from the past…mostly emotional so it can be hidden pretty well from the outside world. It was so well hidden that I even hid them from myself. Life without pain isn’t life at all, sometimes I find peace in that and other time I feel pain even more by that reminder. I remember someone shared once at an ex-gay leadership conference that once someone is sexually molested as a kid it’s as if someone placed a sign on their back or forehead inviting others to continue the molestation. I haven’t been sexually abused but in a way, I think I’ve walked around with a sign that has invited others to reject, abandon and hurt me over and over again. Up until therapy, I wasn’t aware of these things, I acted in certain ways to protect myself from rejection and abandonment ever happening again but I didn’t know why I did it. I learnt to protect myself , I learnt that others weren’t safe, I learnt that my heart and everything that made me, me should be hidden from others, I learnt to be good and not rock the boat so I wouldn’t be left behind, and it all worked well – no one really knew me because she was well hidden. In the process of hiding my true self from others so I wouldn’t get hurt, I got lost and trapped in that place so far away that I didn’t even know who the real me was. I at times still don’t know but thank God he’s showing me bit by bit the person he loves and created me to be. I hid away so I wouldn’t get hurt, but the pain still came, the wounds and scars still made their way to my heart and somehow God sees beauty in it all, somehow he wants to hold onto them and do something with them – he wants to tell his beautiful love story through them and through me. I have several visible scars that I’ve received since birth; hernia scars and a head injury to name a few that I’m very proud of. I love those scars because they show my strength. My first scar I received when I couldn’t even speak or walk as yet but I was strong enough to go through it, not only was I strong enough to endure it once but I faced it again a second time! The scar I received from a head injury reminds me that I’m brave and stubborn, I did not always feel proud about my self-inflicted wounds, I would hide them and I’d lie about how they appeared on my wrists and arms. Now, I have some of those self-inflicted wounds left over and I hope they never leave because I remember how God loved on me after it happened and every time I look at it I’m reminded that he loves me and I need not harm myself to feel in control. Most times I’m not in control and it reminds me of childhood times when I didn’t have control/a voice, now God shows me I have a unique and powerful voice that no longer needs to be silenced or lowered and when I’m not in control I can rest in the fact that HE is. 

An excerpt from youversion devotional  “Beauty Marks: Healing your Wounded Heart”…. 

Scars are reminders of the wounds weve endured. They trigger memories of the traumatic experiences wed rather forget. We think scars are ugly. Thats why were driven to alter them, minimize them, or hide them. But even with all the Mederma cream in the world, they never completely fade.

The good news is that God longs to transform the scars on your wounded heart into marks of beauty. He can use them to bless the world. Beauty marks are wounds that have been transformed into purpose. They remind you that God is redeeming what youve suffered and can heal you from the inside out. Maybe your heart feels as if its bleeding right now, and healing seems impossible. Trust that the God who created you and loves you is able to heal every broken place.