The Road Less Travelled

“Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.” – Matthew 7:13-14

The road less travelled that I take daily is to lay down my desires of having a same sex relationship, I die to my desires daily and sometimes that can be easy, sometimes and most times that’s not the case. We live in a world that glamorizes homosexuality, I’m seen as stupid and one who hates their true self. I’ve been told that I’m denying myself happiness and who I really am and I’ve been told to explore these feelings, both things shook me up and caused me confusion and pain for awhile. Why would it cause me pain and confusion? If I know it’s not who I am or who I’m meant to be then why let it bother me? Because it’s a weakness, it’s a sin that lives in me, it’s a weakness the enemy knows all too much about so he would send lies my way “Are you sure you’re not gay? Are you sure God says it’s wrong? You could be happy right now and you’re denying yourself that happiness, you deserve to be happy. You can’t even say you’re straight, how can you then not be gay?” Sometimes I fight, sometimes ignore the enemy and just let him talk another time it gets to me and I get tired of hearing it, I get tired of fighting it and the first thing that comes to mind is to quit, to give it all up, to go find a bar or buy some cigarettes because clearly they helped the first time. Since I was a little girl I had a love for God that no one in my immediate family had, we’d all go to church but my parents would share stories about this unique love and reverence I had for God even at a young age, I know it came from him because I loved him without even really knowing him, I wanted to make sure my parents would be saved and I’d try to follow him with everything. I grew up and that changed but his love kept him close to me, while I was no longer close to him he never left me. It’s because of his love for me why I didn’t dive into a lesbian relationship and why I continue to fight it even when my flesh says it would be a good thing.

I stay on this road, this painful, lonely at times, treacherous, steep and high road, I stay because he has something great in store for me and I don’t want to miss it. He has a plan for me to be his voice in my generation, in this time and place to win souls for him and set them free as he’s setting me free. The world around me is crying out to be rescued, to be heard and seen, to be freed, to be told who they really are and he’s the only one who has the key and the answers. I get to be a part of that plan and because of that I will choose to hang on during those days when I wanna quit and the nights when I feel alone, when I wonder what God is doing and why this hurts so much or why the pain hasn’t ended as yet, I stay because he has a mission for me and the mission isn’t simply for me to get to heaven but to speak the good news to others, to be his light in this dark world so he can begin/continue his good work in his children.

I’m grateful that he sees me when I was unseen, when I didn’t think I had anything to offer, I’m grateful that he will use the most shameful thing I have in me, the thing I wouldn’t share with anyone because I feared rejected and I feared I’d be treated differently. I’m grateful that he wants to make a ministry out of it.

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Make me like Neo

That was my prayer to God after I watched The Matrix for the first time which was today, in 2017, I know that’s horrible! Make me like Neo, God! I want to jump off buildings, soar high, dodge bullets and even get to that point where I no longer have to dodge them but say out loud “no” and just watch them freeze and fall to the ground. Similar to Neo, he started off not believing he was the one Morpheus had in mind to change the world, others around him doubted it was true but the one who sought him out for years, knew he was the one no matter what anyone said or what Neo thought. I don’t know why, but God sees something in me, his dreams for me scares me and I at times say I must’ve heard wrong, this cant be real, he didn’t mean me….why me? He didn’t choose me to change the world, to be his voice in my generation, he can’t have all this in store for me. Thinking about it not only scares me but it makes me emotional where i’ll start crying. When I said that prayer I thought of the movie “Like Mike”, how that lil kid wanted so much to play basketball like Michael Jordan and for awhile he was able to. I realized after I prayed that prayer that even more than being like Neo or Mike, my desire and God’s goal for me is to be like Jesus. Jesus can walk on waves, heal the blind, the sick, the demon-possessed, he can raise the dead, he can feed thousands of people with 5 loaves and two fishes, he can catch fishes in a location where there were no fish until the boat is about to capsize and he comes back from the dead, just to name a few. I think with that resume I prefer to be like Jesus. One thing my pastor says continuously is the fact that God’s vision and goal for my life, isn’t a simple get baptized, be saved and then go to Heaven, its a part of it but it doesn’t end there. God’s vision and goal for our lives as Christ followers is to be more like our teacher(Jesus), his vision for us is one of transformation and making disciples of others. Before Jesus ascended into Heaven, he told his disciples to go and make disciples of every nation. I am here to make disciples of every nation, his mission for me isn’t limited to one church or one town or even one generation but a multitude of things. That’s scary to think about and even to write, I find it hard to speak to people and share my heart or passion, the idea of taking it global or from town to town seems beyond scary to me. That’s why I need to be more like Jesus because on my own I would stay stuck in fear and my insecurities, unable to do what he’s asked of me, which is to preach his good news and make disciples. I don’t think his vision for my life will ever end, little by little he reveals more, he reveals to the extent of what I can handle in the moment and then he takes my hand and walks with me. I see things coming into play and I see new doors opening, I see them opening but I’m questioning if it’s really a door and if that’s really a light poking through or should I just stay put. Time will tell, for now I can keep praying for those dreams, talking to God about what I think is happening, sharing my heart with him and continuing to ask him to help me be more like Jesus.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=boV5ER7O90o

Scars to your Beautiful

For several months now I’ve become more aware of my wounds and scars from the past…mostly emotional so it can be hidden pretty well from the outside world. It was so well hidden that I even hid them from myself. Life without pain isn’t life at all, sometimes I find peace in that and other time I feel pain even more by that reminder. I remember someone shared once at an ex-gay leadership conference that once someone is sexually molested as a kid it’s as if someone placed a sign on their back or forehead inviting others to continue the molestation. I haven’t been sexually abused but in a way, I think I’ve walked around with a sign that has invited others to reject, abandon and hurt me over and over again. Up until therapy, I wasn’t aware of these things, I acted in certain ways to protect myself from rejection and abandonment ever happening again but I didn’t know why I did it. I learnt to protect myself , I learnt that others weren’t safe, I learnt that my heart and everything that made me, me should be hidden from others, I learnt to be good and not rock the boat so I wouldn’t be left behind, and it all worked well – no one really knew me because she was well hidden. In the process of hiding my true self from others so I wouldn’t get hurt, I got lost and trapped in that place so far away that I didn’t even know who the real me was. I at times still don’t know but thank God he’s showing me bit by bit the person he loves and created me to be. I hid away so I wouldn’t get hurt, but the pain still came, the wounds and scars still made their way to my heart and somehow God sees beauty in it all, somehow he wants to hold onto them and do something with them – he wants to tell his beautiful love story through them and through me. I have several visible scars that I’ve received since birth; hernia scars and a head injury to name a few that I’m very proud of. I love those scars because they show my strength. My first scar I received when I couldn’t even speak or walk as yet but I was strong enough to go through it, not only was I strong enough to endure it once but I faced it again a second time! The scar I received from a head injury reminds me that I’m brave and stubborn, I did not always feel proud about my self-inflicted wounds, I would hide them and I’d lie about how they appeared on my wrists and arms. Now, I have some of those self-inflicted wounds left over and I hope they never leave because I remember how God loved on me after it happened and every time I look at it I’m reminded that he loves me and I need not harm myself to feel in control. Most times I’m not in control and it reminds me of childhood times when I didn’t have control/a voice, now God shows me I have a unique and powerful voice that no longer needs to be silenced or lowered and when I’m not in control I can rest in the fact that HE is. 

An excerpt from youversion devotional  “Beauty Marks: Healing your Wounded Heart”…. 

Scars are reminders of the wounds we’ve endured. They trigger memories of the traumatic experiences we’d rather forget. We think scars are ugly. That’s why we’re driven to alter them, minimize them, or hide them. But even with all the Mederma cream in the world, they never completely fade.

The good news is that God longs to transform the scars on your wounded heart into marks of beauty. He can use them to bless the world. Beauty marks are wounds that have been transformed into purpose. They remind you that God is redeeming what you’ve suffered and can heal you from the inside out. Maybe your heart feels as if it’s bleeding right now, and healing seems impossible. Trust that the God who created you and loves you is able to heal every broken place.

Butterflies and Rainbows 

Lions, Tigers and Bears…Butterflies and Rainbows. Earlier this year God has been bringing the word and image of butterflies to me time and time again and recently he’s added rainbows to the mix. He’s made several promises to me and quite often I doubt these promises will come true. I doubt he will use me in ex-gay ministry, I doubt he will use me to make a difference in the world and in my generation. I doubt he will use me in my hometown of Jamaica to change lives and bring about hope and change. I doubt he will change me and I doubt I am changing in this moment. I doubt I’m becoming a butterfly and that rainbows will show up at the end of all this. I read in a devotional this morning that who I am right now and where I am right now, my current version is the right version of me for this moment in time. So often we strive to become a better version, we strive to grow, we strive to be complete and God says rest my child you are good where you are…let me lead you in my time and my way. His word says he will continue the work he has started in us until his return, which means while we’re living this side of heaven we’re always a work in progress, we’re always growing and changing and that won’t end until he’s back. I won’t be complete until Jesus comes, so all this pressure and fighting to be “complete” is pointless. Day by day I am being renewed and remade and I’ll become a butterfly then i’ll grow into something else as God sees fit. A passage we looked at this weekend at church is Luke 6:40 “The student is not above the teacher, but everyone who is fully trained will be like their teacher.” We focused on “fully trained” and what it means which is to be renewed, mended, repaired, restored, fixed or healed. Our teacher is Jesus, the king and we become like him as we are being healed, repaired, mended, fully trained in him and by him. This isn’t a one-time thing, I don’t get healed once and then that’s it for my healing, I go through healing every day whether it feels that way or not. I go through growth and restoration when I fight against my desires, when I say no to what feels right and go against the current of this culture. His promises stay the same and his vision keeps growing as he keeps healing me, the promise hes shared with me before are now larger and scarier – so large and scary that I keep it between God and myself because it almost seems absurd to think I can do what I think he’s saying we can do together. Who am I to dream and believe butterflies and rainbows will show up after these storms and drought? Who am I not to dream the impossible? Who am I not to hold onto the promises of my heavenly father when he says I will restore you to health and heal your wounds, when he says I will use you to make a difference in your generation? I am a child of God and I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. The brightness of the future, the many colors of the rainbows and the beauty in the butterflies sometimes scares me, it scares me because I don’t feel like I match up with it all to step into it and wear that new coat of many colors. The conflict I feel reminds me of this poem that I first heard in the movie Coach Carter…

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It’s not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” -Marianne Williamson
Going back doesn’t scare me because I know there’s nothing back there, it’s tempting at times but the truth that I don’t live there anymore stops me. However, stepping into the future is what scares me. I listen to the lies that I can’t deal with the things that follow growth; the trials and temptations and the decisions and results. Resting in Christ, in the truth that he is with me and he will hold my hand as I walk into more light is more imperative as I keep going, it doesn’t dwindle but it gets stronger as his light in me gets brighter. I pray as I did yesterday that God will give me the strength to believe his truths, his truth that he is with me, I am not alone and I can do what he asks of him because he is in me. He is not man to makes promises and not come through, all his promises will happen because they’re his promises and he is not a liar. Butterflies and rainbows are all around me, here and now and I will walk into what he has planned because he is leading me to the promised land flowing with milk and honey. Similar to the Israelites, I will leave the desert, the valley, the wilderness – I will walk into his promise, with him as my perfect shepherd.
One of my fight songs….
NeedToBreathe – Hard Love (Feat. Andra Day)
“It takes some time to make your courage strong.”

🦋🌈🌻💫 👑

Behold New Roads 

“See, I have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction.”‭‭ – Isaiah‬ ‭48:10‬ ‭

“See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”‭‭ – Isaiah‬ ‭43:19‬ ‭

I’ve never thought about writing this before but I believe this might be a good idea. Since sometime late last year I’ve been facing some strong sexual temptations, temptations I’ve never faced since recovery.  In recovery I’m learning to not self medicate or try to find quick fixes as a way to escape pain or discomfort which means sometimes I’m forced to SIT in the pain and discomfort until it passes. I’m learning to find new ways to deal with it; which right now involves listening to worship songs, worshipping out loud, praying, listening to messages online, going for a walk, taking showers and my all time favorite when all that doesn’t seem to take it away – I cry! Tonight I prayed for the first time for God to take away these sexual feelings that I don’t like and attractions that I have towards women and place it on the man I would end up marrying. Ive prayed many times about the removal of my attraction to women, I’ve spent many days and nights crying, not eating and praying – most of this durin my teenage years because I wanted it to be removed since yesterday. It’s a first praying about it going towards a guy, I’ve never used those words, I’ve asked to be normal but what is normal? We are created as sexual beings so the uncomfortable feelings I have inside me is normal but what is not normal for me and what I hate is that it’s towards women, people I know I can and will never be with so basically it’s like torture to go through. The enemy jumps on this and tries to give me a way out but I know his way out will only drag me further in so I force myself not to listen to him by thinking on what’s good, right, true, pure, nobel, honoring to God etc. Sometimes that in itself is hard so I sit quietly until God gives me something to think on, sitting quietly in the uncomfortable feeling IS NOT EASY! I don’t know why this is has been happening for so long, I don’t know why I got a semi break for awhile and now it’s back, I have no clue if I’m doing the right thing – if I am doing the right thing it would end by now right? I doubt it. Sometimes I can do all the right things but the work God wants to do in me will take time and it won’t be finished until he says it’s time. The title of this blog came about because I fell asleep to Hillsong Worship’s album – Let There Be Light and I woke up to Pastor Brian Houston’s message on “Behold new roads”. I’ve never listened to this message before, honestly I’ve always skipped pass it but this time I listened to some of it and I knew I had to write. I dunno all of what God is doing in me through all these temptations but I believe every time I say no to what the enemy whispers in my ear, every time I choose to worship God to the point where I’m literally crying out to him asking for help, I believe he’s remaking me and building new roads. I believe he’s already coming to my rescue every time I ask for help, he says no temptation will overtake me except which is common to man and he is faithful, he will not let me be tempted beyond what I can bare, but WHEN I am tempted he will provide a way out so I can endure it. Falling asleep to worship songs and writing this right now is a way out that he’s given me, it’s not an escape but a way to stand. I sometimes want a full escape but my God deals with long escapes, he takes his time. He could’ve softened Pharoah’s heart from the first visit but he didn’t, Moses and Aaron kept pleading and going to the King. Moses and Aaron weren’t failing or messing up, it wasn’t because Moses didn’t hold his staff properly or because he didn’t speak with special words and a firm voice – Pharoah kept saying no because GOD hardened his heart. I’m in this season of sexual temptation not because I’m a horrible person who didn’t say the right words in a prayer, or didn’t read the right chapter in the Bible, or didn’t yell loud enough at the devil to leave and stay out, I’m still here because it’s not time yet for God to release me. I’m not a huge fan of that truth but who am I to force God’s hands into doing what I want him to do, all I can do is continue to seek him, ask him for help when I’m tempted and pray I’m closer to that release today than I was yesterday which actually sounds good. I am closer to a release today than I was yesterday. I’m getting closer to that new road today than I was yesterday. I see a new road up ahead, I see beautiful trees with butterflies flying around, I see a waterfall beating down on beautiful rocks, I see new lights that I’ve never imagined or thought of, I see bunny rabbits leaping in a forest nearby – dunno where the forest came from but it’s my vision/God’s vision and I see it, I see home. Home isn’t a building or a country but a place where I can finally be at rest, to just be me; where I can fly around like those butterflies and leap like the bunny rabits in the forest. I’m getting there; slow and steady wins the race so in the end I’ll get that crown not because I finished the race 1st, come to think of it I will always finish 1st in my race because I’m the only one in it. It’s not about the speed, similar to what I wrote in my earlier post, it’s about perseverance, it’s an endurance race and I will always win as long as I don’t give up. I have a crown waiting for me in Heaven, fitted perfectly just for me, there’s a purple robe with my name on it that shines as brightly as I do and a ginormous hug that awaits me from my Heavenly Father as he says well done my good and faithful servant. Writing that made me cry, all this pain, suffering and hardship has a purpose and even though I fight it so much sometimes, I’m grateful that it’s already serving its purpose and that my Father in heaven is pleased with me. 

Thank God for the rocky roads that leads to new roads. 

Ps. After publishing this post I see how the forest ended up in the vision, God directed me to the main image before I even wrote this post and in the image there’s a forest surrounding the road. God knows what he’s doing even when I’m confused as a bat 🙂

Stormy Seas

“A ship in turbulent waters needs to drop anchor in a safe place…when it is dropped there, the ship is secured – even though it is still in rough waters”- Jesus Today by Sarah Young

During this season of my life I have the opportunity to care for a 94 year old man as a job, this week I said something to him that resonated with me and the current season I’m in. He’s able to walk but due to several injuries what used to be easy and a joy for him has now become painful and not enjoyable at all. As I encouraged him to walk a little bit, I told him not to worry about the speed as to which he walks but “just walk”. Isn’t that what life and recovery is about, it isn’t about how fast or slow we get through certain things but to just get up and walk. I haven’t felt like walking for months now, I haven’t felt like standing either but somehow I keep getting up even when I don’t know where I’m getting up to go. So many times I’m focused on my speed, why isn’t this over as yet? Why am I still sad? Why am I still hurting? Why am I still doing the same stuff over and over again without even realizing when I took that first step to cope in an unhealthy way? Why why why? God doesn’t always answer the why questions, at least not the way I’d like him to. He would instead tell me who I am, who HE is and who I am in him. He will tell me yes you’re in a storm right now, you’re in the midst of a battlefield but i’m there with you and I have already won. He tells me time and time again that I don’t have to try so hard, that I am enough, I should rest in him because this fight isn’t mine to fight and when I choose to listen the winds and waves gets quiet around me. When I listen to his voice, my mind is clear enough to see myself in his arms as he’s holding me tightly…if only this happened regularly but it doesn’t. Sometimes I choose not to speak to him because the pain is so much, the only place it resonates are my heart and mind. I don’t share my heart and thoughts so easily, people think I do but there’s so much that I hold back on because of fear I won’t be accepted or liked and instead feel rejected. I’ve had so many times where I’ve shared both those and it was either ignored or rejected so I’ve learnt to keep them to myself, even if it’s towards God. I’m learning though to offer my heart to God, to trust him with my heart and to trust that it is safe with him. It’s easier for me to trust God with my heart, mankind is a different thing – mankind doesn’t always treasure treasures, they instead take them, use them and discard them. Mankind looks at the outward appearance while God looks at the heart, so what better way to restart sharing my heart than starting with the safest person there is? I offer my heart to HIM first and he will carry me through the different storms I’m facing in my life. It’s scary to do that because while God will keep my heart safe and never hurt me, I can’t stake my life on never getting hurt again by “man”. That alone feels like a storm to me where I’m going against the winds and currents (my own understanding) – I keep asking for a lifeline but the lifeline I’m seeking is an escape so I know that won’t happen. I will get freedom, healing, new life, peace and light which in all honesty, is far better than an escape. So I keep holding on, I fight my desire to lead this ship and I continuously choose to let my King and Captain steer me to shore. I am not sure if, similar to the Apostle Paul I will crash INTO the shore, I just know I have hope and belief at this very moment that I will make it to shore alive. With Christ in the vessel I can smile at the storm as I go sailing on…sailing sailing on, sailing sailing on. 🚣🏽 🌊 If only I walked in THAT truth more regularly but…progress not perfection! 


Light and Darkness 

“Faith is seeing light in your heart when all your eyes see is darkness.”

Lately I’ve been feeling as though all my eyes see involves darkness, dust, desert, dried grass and tumble weeds blowing in the hot wind. My eyes says it’s all dark and shouldn’t travel any further and my heart says something huge is going on so keep going. I don’t know where I’m going and sometimes I don’t even know what the 1st step is, because in a way it’s as though I’m blindfolded and I’m just sensing to step here or there. My eyes are covered with darkness, my mind is filled with fearful thoughts that says STOP! DON’T GO THERE, ITS NOT SAFE! What I’m learning is that it’s the safest place to be, it just feels strange and confusing because I’m not used to being there. I’m used to being over here, at this cut off point and crossing that line to venture into a new place seems like something I shouldn’t look at let alone step into. I had no idea this would be so hard, changing my thoughts and actions and moving away from same sex attraction, I thought I went through the hard part already. Nope, here comes another level, another onion peel that I am not quite ready to feel because it burns. Same sex attraction has many layers it appears, every layer being harder than the one before it. The only difference is the harder it gets, it seems I hang on a bit tighter and I know that strength isn’t coming from myself alone cuz if it were only me I’d give up ages ago. Who wants to go through so much pain and discomfort unless they know it’s leading somewhere that’s good? I don’t think anyone does, at least I don’t want to. I want to walk through this painstaking fire because God promises I will not get burnt, similar to Daniel in the Lion’s den, these Lions that are roaring will not devour me – no matter how loud their roar might seem. He’s promised to restore me and heal my wounds, to return to me what the locusts have eaten. To give me my heart’s desire of having healthy and real friendships with women without my issues separating us ever so often. I cannot share my other heart’s desire as yet, it’s too huge and scary to write or utter out my mouth but God knows what it is because he’s the one who put it there and I believe he will give me that too. 

Ye though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil

For tho art with me, thy rod and thy staff they comfort me

Tho preparest a table before me, in the presence of mine enemies

Tho anointest my head with oil, my cup runnenth over

Surely goodness and mercy, shall follow me all the days of my life

And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. Amen! 

That’s the only scripture I still know and prefer in the KJV

Thank God he is my perfect Shepard and he will guide me through what at times seems, looks and feels the valley of the shadow of death…dried bones will come alive in this valley.