“Faith is seeing light in your heart when all your eyes see is darkness.”
Lately I’ve been feeling as though all my eyes see involves darkness, dust, desert, dried grass and tumble weeds blowing in the hot wind. My eyes says it’s all dark and shouldn’t travel any further and my heart says something huge is going on so keep going. I don’t know where I’m going and sometimes I don’t even know what the 1st step is, because in a way it’s as though I’m blindfolded and I’m just sensing to step here or there. My eyes are covered with darkness, my mind is filled with fearful thoughts that says STOP! DON’T GO THERE, ITS NOT SAFE! What I’m learning is that it’s the safest place to be, it just feels strange and confusing because I’m not used to being there. I’m used to being over here, at this cut off point and crossing that line to venture into a new place seems like something I shouldn’t look at let alone step into. I had no idea this would be so hard, changing my thoughts and actions and moving away from same sex attraction, I thought I went through the hard part already. Nope, here comes another level, another onion peel that I am not quite ready to feel because it burns. Same sex attraction has many layers it appears, every layer being harder than the one before it. The only difference is the harder it gets, it seems I hang on a bit tighter and I know that strength isn’t coming from myself alone cuz if it were only me I’d give up ages ago. Who wants to go through so much pain and discomfort unless they know it’s leading somewhere that’s good? I don’t think anyone does, at least I don’t want to. I want to walk through this painstaking fire because God promises I will not get burnt, similar to Daniel in the Lion’s den, these Lions that are roaring will not devour me – no matter how loud their roar might seem. He’s promised to restore me and heal my wounds, to return to me what the locusts have eaten. To give me my heart’s desire of having healthy and real friendships with women without my issues separating us ever so often. I cannot share my other heart’s desire as yet, it’s too huge and scary to write or utter out my mouth but God knows what it is because he’s the one who put it there and I believe he will give me that too.
Ye though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil
For tho art with me, thy rod and thy staff they comfort me
Tho preparest a table before me, in the presence of mine enemies
Tho anointest my head with oil, my cup runnenth over
Surely goodness and mercy, shall follow me all the days of my life
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. Amen!
That’s the only scripture I still know and prefer in the KJV
Thank God he is my perfect Shepard and he will guide me through what at times seems, looks and feels the valley of the shadow of death…dried bones will come alive in this valley.