“I am a Masterpiece. I am HIS Beloved. I am HIS Chosen One. I am Loved by HIM.”
Ive tried to write this post 2 times now, two times its been deleted so…3rd time’s the charm right?
During High School when I was 16 I realized I was/am attracted to girls…the lights came on and I was devasted. All these things went through my head “What does this mean? Am I bisexual? How would people react? Would my friends leave me? What about my faith? I cant be attracted to girls!!!” For years I wrestled with those thoughts and I spent years crying, I still cry at times due to my attraction to girls. Did I mention that I attended an all-girls High School? Girls EVERYWHERE! I was like everyone else at that age, trying to figure out who I was and where I fit in. I wondered why would this feel so natural and “good” if it was wrong…why is it such a big no no for God, doesnt he want us to be happy? If I think I love you why shouldnt we be together, why say no because we’re the same gender, we’re not hurting anyone? Thats our world though, we think if it feels good it must be good. Act on every emotion and think later, if you’ve hurt someone just say sorry after-at least sometimes. You only live once right? So go ahead…live your life! God has so much more for us though, more than we could ever ask or imagine.
My same sex attraction goes back to my childhood, my father was very abusive, he didnt grow up with a father so he didnt know how to be a father or a husband. He would joke around saying he wanted all boys as children, he had 5 before and then I came along…a girl! Not what he really wanted but what he got. I wanted his love and approval so I thought id be that boy he wanted, I would dress as a boy, but I still felt rejected by him. My mother was loving, kind and caring, she would give me kisses and I loved that. I then told myself men arent good, they’re not safe and they will only hurt me. I closed my heart off towards my father and men in general but I opened it up to women, because to me they were sweet and harmless. God doesnt want us to live that way, and I dont want to live that way either. I don’t want to use women to fill this need I have for things I didnt receive from my father and I dont want men to pay for things my father did years ago.
As a little girl I didnt like playing with dolls, I preferred remote controlled cars and just this week God has shown me why that was. I am an adventerous person by nature, thats just how I am wired, I like to go places. Dolls didnt do much for me because they wouldnt do anything unless I moved every single part they had, id be bored out of my mind just trying to play a role with them. I liked the dolls that could walk/talk or just ANYTHING, I didnt play with Action Figures because the same thing applied there. I LOVED fairy tales like Cinderella, Snow White, Beauty and the Beast etc, my sister didnt/doesnt. Does that mean shes not girly enough so shes “gay”? NO! It just means thats the way she is. A guy who likes to bake/cook or prefers the drama club rather than being slammed around on the football field doesnt mean hes gay, it means hes not gonna fit in the mold of what society says a guy is “suppose” to be. We are so quick to judge and label ourselves or others that we will do it prematurely and end up causing pain.
I went to a Leadership Training last week, I made a post about it which you can check Here, there I learnt to lay down my old labels/identities I had for myself and pick up what God says of me. I wrote some above and the rest so far would be:
I am a Child and Daughter of God
I am a Good Good Gift
I am Brave
I am Courageous
I am Trustworthy
I am a Friend
I am Wanted
I am Valuable
I am Pure
I am Holy
I am Blameless
I am Glory-filled
I am Beautiful
I am Precious
I am Feminine
I am White as Snow
I am Worthy of Love
I am NOT a Mistake
I am NOT an Accident
I am NOT GAY
I am an Enchanted Princess * I especially love that one heheee*
During my time at the training I witnessed men and women, of all ages, from across USA, come together to fight through their own demons/struggles they gave up the labels/identities placed upon them or ones they gave themselves and took what God had for them instead. Our world praises men who invest their time in masturbating/porn/promiscuity/drugs & alcohol and use that as a right of passage for them. Women are seen as sluts or easy if they have sex alot or too soon and they’re gay/”stuck up” if they say no. The world shouldnt be the one to label us and tell us who we are, let God do that – his label won’t hurt us.
I realized that I was so close to death- spiritually, if it wasnt for my savior and my knight in shining armor Jesus, id be out there living a gay lifestyle still trying to figure out who I am and what im here for. God created Man and Woman to coexist- to marry- to multiply/be fruitful/to procreate. I cant do that in a natural way with my own gender, we are each a gift to the opposite gender, I have what another female has so I can’t be a gift to her. God calls us (Man and Woman) to come together with him as our leader and there we become one, we compliment each other and give to the other what God has designed us a gender to give. I never thought about marriage, I always saw it as an endless burden/nightmare/trap but around 5-6 years ago God has been showing me that as a part of my future and nowhere in it do I see a woman standing before me, I see a man – I see kids in my future. I wouldnt want to rob myself of all that because I want to fill a need that cant be filled by a human. I dont want to see women/men with lustful/hurting eyes. I want to see them the way God sees them, as his son/daughter.
God isnt a hard/difficult God who sits up in the sky and tells us what we can or cant do. He’s a father who fights for us every second of the day- he doesnt want us to feel pain especially if its unnecessary, he has a plan for each of us that surpasses all understanding, a plan that we could never ask/hope for or ever imagine. He says no because he wants us to get a greater yes. He wants us to have life and have it abundantly. I am not fighting “who I am” when I say no to my fleshy desires and yes to God, I am saying yes to the person God has created me to be, I am fighting to become her – that means dying to myself every day, picking up my cross and walking with God. We want things now, a quick fix for everything, we want our needs met NOW, forget years down the line when reality/pain sinks in, as long as we are okay NOW. God isnt like that, as much as he wants us to live in the present and take things one day at a time. He wants us to be wise and think about how things we do now will affect us and those around us later. He wants us to have theee best life, a life we cant even imagine, plan or understand, a life that would be best for us, whether we see that now or not. He is all knowing so he knows what’s ahead for us, we cant see that, which is where trust comes in.
I am not my struggle and neither are you! God says I am to die for, so that means im much bigger than anything I face.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” – Jeremiah 29:11
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full” – John 10:10
You can have a listen to the song below and remember that the father loves you, regardless of your struggle/past.
A book to read if you have questions would be 101 Frequently Asked Questions About Homosexuality by Mike Haley. In this books Mike says “Fantasies alone doesnt make you homosexual. A homosexual is a person who consciously accepts that label and begins to act out on his or her feelings. Many, many people have engaged in fleeting sam-sex experimentation, but that doesn’t make them homosexual, either. On the other hand, some people who have never engaged in homosexual behavior have a tremondous homosexual problem.”
Stay Blessed 💕✌🏾️