“The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Those who know your name trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.” – Psalm 9:9-10
I was encouraging a friend last night, basically telling her how faithful God is and how he asked me to give up some things that werent necessarily good for me, they weren’t good because I used it to escape from reality/ fill the emptiness or void I had inside, some were just obviously not good for me. So God asked me to give up those things and have HIM come in and fill that emptiness I walked around with, so he could be my source of joy, peace, serenity and my reality. After I finished talking to my friend I felt the need to pray for both of us, I just knew the enemy would attack somehow someway because he doesnt like when we are doing something to advance God’s kingdom. He wants us to live in darkness and to share it with others. So then of course this morning happened. A way the enemy attacks/tempts me is through my dreams – its sometimes through demonic force which is very very scary and also through sexual dreams. He knows my areas of weaknesses, one of them being the Same Sex Attraction, so he will cunningly give me a sexual dream, sometimes I know the individual in actual life sometimes I don’t. Once I wake up or really still lying in bed half asleep, he will then tempt me to fantasize about it, in the past id give in so easily that it became a ritual/practise for me, every time id go to bed id fantisize until I fell asleep. During my years following God, this would get harder and harder for me to do, id feel horrible during the days after one of my fantasizing moments and so just last year *2015* January, God helped me to give that area up. Ive given it up, but that doesnt mean the attacks stop, if anything its grown more intense and I have to wrestle with it everytime im tempted – I think it through while in bed and while being tempted about how it would play out if I did fantasize. One thing that I use to help me to not give in is the horrible feeling id feel after id fantasize; id feel guilty, disgusted with myself and this would cause me to isolate from everyone including God, which would then lead to sadness and sometimes suicidal thoughts. All thats not worth a minute of “pleasure”. God is so amazing where he fights for me during those mornings where im half asleep, so tried and weak, wanting to fantasize/ dream some more about this particular dream; when the thought comes in that “I deserve this, I deserve to be happy” he holds me and he walks me through it.
After this temptation, being in the form of a dream, id normally beat myself up and be disgusted with myself for dreaming such a dream, wondering if I did something wrong to cause it, id also get mad at God because whatever I dreamt about, it seemed real and I want it to be real but it cant be, because God has a bigger and better plan for me, but that doesnt mean it doesnt suck. Waking up from a dream like that, into reality can at times be quite disheartening, but im learning to reach out more and not shy away because I feel ashamed – I didnt cause that dream and I also didnt fantasize about it. The enemy wanted me to, but instead I prayed, I asked God to show me anything I might need to learn from that dream and if not then just help me to let it go, I havent been in touch with my feelings for years, and so sometimes I will wooosh past them only to have it creep up on me hours or days later. Thats why im able to write this now, the enemy wanted to drag me back to couple years ago, but God wants me to use my own experience and encourage/help others.
You are not your sins/temptations
When you go the other way or stumble it doesnt mean God’s finished with you. As long as you’re breathing there’s hope for you.
“Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” – Isaiah 40:30-31
“No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.” 1 Corinthians 10:13
Please check out and enjoy these encouraging & powerful songs 🙂
Mandisa – Stronger (Live in the Studio)
Remember God loves you
Stay Blessed ✌🏾️💖