I am writing this now because I feel complete despair and hopelessness, so I guess I want to encourage myself. God is a God who answers prayers; most times if not all, its in a way we didn’t expect or wouldn’t choose. Sometime since the new year, I’ve been praying for healthy and safe friendships, mostly with women now. After I returned from the Desert Stream LW Leadership Training in February, I felt completely alone and I ended up crying while talking to my Sponsor just two days after being back home. She encouraged/forced me to invest in the friendships I have, I’ve been praying for that to happen – especially at the training but I just wouldn’t step out in faith. In the past few weeks I have been doing this, investing in those friendships – stepping into unknown territory, walking on those rough waves and risking getting hurt. Well I’ve been a complete mess since yesterday, God would probably say i’m a beautiful mess but I just feel the pain. I didn’t have a deep connection with my parents; I was closer with my mother than my father but I was still missing things that I needed at that age to be filled emotionally and I didn’t receive that, they tried their best, but they’re humans so they made mistakes. So, I grew up craving that emotional connection with others, I would even give myself over to a guy sexually just to receive that love, affection and acceptance, but I would never get it. I gave myself over to women emotionally so I would in turn receive that emotional connection too but it was never enough, I was and am still hungry for that connection, my need for it is so deep its hidden from me at times until it pops up in the form of a sexual dream or just by hanging out with friends. I struggle with emotional dependency – because I crave that connection, its very easy for me to fall into a trap of being dependent on someone other than God. I continuously pray for God to help me to go to him with those needs I have, instead of something or someone; I didn’t used to do that, but I do now.
I was emotionally dependent in a friendship I had for over 10 years, it ended in 2014 and it cut me to the core, a cut so deep that just the idea of having another best friend or building that deep connection with someone is terrifying, even if I crave it – there is a constant fear. I had a fear of men since childhood and since this last friendship ended – I became afraid of friendships with women too, since i’m attracted to both women and men; *I don’t label myself Bisexual because that’s not who I am*, I’m extra vulnerable when around women, especially those close in age….whether I’m attracted to her or not. God is showing me that I CAN have these friendships, even if I AM attracted. Doesn’t make sense does it? I know! Satan knows it doesn’t make sense either so he constantly reminds me of how silly it sounds and how silly I am to believe that this can actually work. Thankfully God is the God of making the impossible POSSIBLE. He knows what I want deep down, I don’t want to be involved with a girl sexually – I just want to feel loved, accepted, understood, I want to feel like one of the girls and be someone’s friend, I want to feel wanted. The enemy uses those natural needs and then turns it into something sexual which puts confusion in my head, I start to think maybe I want to be with them, I have to then ask myself questions – what is it about this person that I am attracted to, what is it that I really want, what need do I have right now? God is faithful and he will give me answers, once I know that I can then step out in faith with the enemy right behind of course. Unfortunately, no matter how many times God or his people will tell me I’m no longer my old self, the old is gone, the new has arrived! I can’t seem to believe it in my heart, I continuously think I’m such a messed up and unhealthy person that I’m going to bring that to a friendship; mess them up too and ruin the friendship. Why can’t I see myself through God’s eyes? Why does this hurt so much? Why am I feeling pain again? Is it fair for me to blame Adam and Eve right now? I think its only fair! The enemy has been telling me that I wont have truly safe and deep friendships with these friends i’ve been hanging out with, and honestly i’ve been believing him. Why would I? Because God loves me enough for that to happen. He wants me to have a Happy Ending – he’s my Prince, my Knight in Shining Armor, my Hero, and my Redeemer. He’s basically answering my questions as I ask them.
I gave God permission last month to come into those deep hurts, pains and hidden places and do whatever he pleases….so he’s been doing that for a few weeks now and I cant say I’m enjoying it from this side. I know it’ll be better in the end but for now I’m just feeling a lot of pain – he’s performing surgery and because the hurts and pains I walked around with have been buried so deep, he’s having to go deeper like a surgeon would and so there’s a lot of pain, more pain than id like to be feeling right now. He’s bringing up a lot of things that i’ve forgotten about or ignored and he’s guiding me to deal with them – which is hard work. I felt like Job this past week, almost wanting God to give me a break and not show me anything else for a while. He’s not doing this to cause me pain, he knows it hurts – he’s going so deep because he wants true freedom and healing for me. He wants me to walk in the realization of me being a new creation and for me to set captives free just like his son Jesus did as he walked on earth. He wants me to live life to the fullest, and I cant do that if I always choose to be alone because I’m afraid of having friendships with women, I cant live life the way he wants me to if this painful healing process doesn’t continue.
I feel like crap, I feel messy, I feel empty, I feel lost, I feel scared, I feel like I keep working at this and its never-ending, I feel like I can never get it right, I at times feel like giving up but God is working in me. When I feel those emotions and more, it doesn’t mean I’m not doing good things/making the right choices, it doesn’t mean I’m not on the right track -it just means the process isn’t fun, doesn’t mean its not needed or important – its just not fun. God’s strengthening some core muscles that I haven’t used since I was maybe a little girl, if you workout after neglecting it for some time you know what that does to your body, you feel pain for a while but then you gain strength and muscles in those areas. So that’s what this is right now, and i’m going to be just fine…im going to be better for having been through this. I will be stronger and I will become that woman God created me to be, having safe and healthy friendships that he designed for me.
“Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” – Philippians 1:6
“Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.” Psalm 27:14
“Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Isaiah 40: 28-31
I woke up with this song on my mind and I felt like it should be my prayer and so it is, Lauren Daigle – Once and for All
“He is faithful, He is glorious
He is Jesus, all my hope is in Him
He is freedom, He is healing right now
He is hope and joy, love and peace and life.” –Bryan and Katie Torwalt – He is Faithful
Stay Blessed, we are loved! ✌🏾💖