Ive had a hard week and right now I dont know how im feeling, I decided to write it out so I might get to that place of discovery. An Aunt of mine died last Sunday, this week was hard with different triggers that ive journalled about, my brother was hospitalized today and im worrying about my knee. I dont know whats going on in me and im at that place again where im wondering if im doing the right thing and if God is pleased with me. I cant help but feel as though he isnt happy with the way im still dealing with these traumatic events in my life, ive been neglecting him since Auntie started driving me to work because of my knee, normally id pray to him in the morning on my way to work but with less free time on my way there – it isnt possible/its hard for me to walk/sit and talk with you for minutes like I used to do and it makes me sad. It makes me sad and worried because I think ur upset with me or disappointed in me, I hide away from you and watch tv just so I cant talk to you or think about the things going on in my life. Are you disappointed or mad at me for leaving you behind while I attend to other things to make me happy? I dont like making you sad or disappointed in me….CAN I disappoint you though? Im worried about my knee…it’s still hurting, will it ever get better and when? Do you still love me? I havent been around you much lately but do you still love me? Am I still your beloved? Are you still mine and am I still yours? Are you mad that I still deal with things the same as when I was a little girl? I still hide away from my feelings and traumatic events…I don’t know how to stop and it scares me because I dunno if I will ever get to that place of true healthiness or even as much as I can have here on Earth. I want to be who you designed me to be but I dunno how to get there, it seems like there is always something more for me to work on and it gets exhausting….its all too much and I feel as though I cant handle it. I find it even hard taking it to you because at times I dunno what im thinking or feeling…sometimes im in denial for so long that I forget I was feeling something at one point. My brother’s prayer today about the amazing work you’re doing in my life and whats going on in the spiritual world that we cant see; I didnt know it before he prayed that, but I needed a reminder that ur working in my life, that its amazing and that something is going on behind the scenes that I CANT see. Are you happy with me? Are you proud of what ive become? Have I let you down these past few weeks by being in denial and shutting you out in some areas – Ive shut myself out and by doing that ive shut you out too and I didn’t mean to, I just dont know how to let you in all the time, sometimes im good at it, other times I fail. Am I still your little girl? Your little flock who you will protect from all harm? When did I push you out? When did it happen? Why did I do it? I want to let you in now….I need you in, I need you to take over, im scared and I am broken – I feel empty inside but I need you to soften my heart and to open my eyes to see more clearly what ur doing in and through me and to know just how good you really are. Will I get to that place where I allow myself to feel whatever emotion I need to feel at a certain time, to not shut it off or stuff it down so deep that I forget it once existed – “good” or “bad” feelings. Help me to not be afraid of my emotions but to be in control of them to the extent you would ask of me. The coping mechanisms I used as a child protected me and it shows me how strong and wise I was even at a young age….it made me survive up until now. I wanna do more than just survive now, I want to excel…to be free, to no longer be in chains or held captive to my emotions or anything else that holds me back from my true calling. You are still pleased with me, nothing will ever separate me from your love – I will always be yours, your beloved, your daughter, your bride, your chosen one and I am already living in your freedom and true calling for my life….on Earth I will never reach perfection, my healing/your work in me will never be finished until Christ returns. Help me to lean on you and your promises…you will never leave me nor forsake me, where I go there you’ll be, you will sustain me with your righteous right hand and I will be okay.
Ps. Help me to remember this when I wake up and life gets all messy again