“Hot tears slam my cheeks, slide down, rivers of unbidden emotion. Im shocked at their appearance – hot lava exploding from a mountain that had just been covered in daises. I slip into a bathroom stall, place my head in my hands, sniffle into a square of paper. That year….so good, so hard. I felt more like a warrior than a writer. My heart has the scars to prove it. But then, softly, a whisper comes, “Put down your sword.” And I notice, for the first time, how my heart has stood in ready-to-fight position for so long, stiff, waiting to dodge the next blow. I relent. And something inside clatters to the ground. I see the wounds, still fresh, not noticed in the heat of the battle. I touch them tentatively. Cover protectively. Then again, softly within….” If I will wash your feet, will I not wash your wounds?” I have a choice. Drop my guard or guard my hurts. I choose the first. And his hand touches all that aches, his voice whispers truth, his love wipes around, over, down. It stings a little. I flinch with old gear. But slowly I relax, lean into him, remember the time before the war, I know it is finished.
No longer a warrior.
Im a child, small, safe, with Daddy’s hands making it all better.
I leave the bathroom stall, finally, look into clear eyes in the mirror. And I am never the same again.” – Holley Gerth
Its amazing what one does or thinks when he/she assumes what they think/feel isn’t important or “right”. I’ve been staying home for a few days now due to a knee injury, an injury that my doctor couldn’t really detect and then came to the conclusion that it wasn’t ‘important’ enough for me to stay home from work. I went along with his advice because he’s the doctor and he knows best right? WRONG! Worst mistake I could’ve made, I ignored my own thoughts and feelings about going to work because someone with a higher status told me in not so much words, that what I saw/felt/thought wasn’t important and I should just go about my business because everything is alright. Well due to his wisdom i’ve been bedbound/couchbound/homebound and loving it! *insert sarcastic face*, I’ve been frustrated – sad- scared- worried – low – doubtful and more. I’ve been speechless where I couldn’t put into words to God about how I’m feeling and id instead watch comedies to cheer me up and take my mind off my discomfort. I hate….with a capital ‘H’ asking for help, I always feel as though I’m being a burden to others and through this ordeal, God is teaching me to either ask my family for help, or hop across the room for things I need, sometimes I ask for help – other times I’m stubborn and so I choose to hop. I listen to music/the bible app/the story of Alice in Wonderland just to fall asleep without thinking about how uncomfortable it is to sleep on my back for the entire night. Through all this, God is showing me the connection between the healing of my knee and the healing of my entire body (Mind & Heart) and the way I’ve been reacting to them both. I love the way God teaches us things, its never to condemn us or say “you’ve messed up yet again! I just don’t know what to do with you”. He does it in a loving, gentle and beautiful way. So he’s showed me that it’ll take time for my knee to heal, same as it will for my mind and heart to heal, it didn’t get to this state overnight, an injury occurred and through mistreatment done by myself and others its now become a lingering pain/discomfort. But as my sister would say “Fret not!”, in Celebrate Recovery we go by a quote that says “Progress not Perfection”, id love it to be perfected on this side of Heaven- never having to feel pain ever again or having to wait for every single thing to be alright. That’s not how God works though, he calls us to partner with him, even in our healing. Sometimes he calls us to fight, sometimes he calls us to rest. I think at the moment he’s called me to rest, I’ve been fighting at the start of the week until the thought came to me ” why don’t I just ask God to fight for me? “…this wasn’t my fight to fight so I gave it to the one who can and will always fight for me. This healing for my knee will take time, similar to the healing God wants to make in my life – he’s teaching me to trust him, to rest in him, to rest altogether and know that what he’s said is true and he will fulfill what he’s promised. Through God revealing things to me this week, I realized that I worry about doing the wrong thing – messing up my knee even worst/my own healing process, I think I’m doing everything that’s wrong or just not the right thing – I worry about what I “should” be doing. A problem arises and I worry about what I need to do to fix it NOW – how do I get past this sadness/pain…how do I speed up this healing process so it can be over and done with already? When God showed me that, I was praying and I stopped to ask him, okay so what should I do about that so I don’t do it anymore? I smiled a bit when I realized I was doing it again, now I’m worrying about fixing the fact that I try to fix everything. I wanna be “good enough” for God…oh dear, I am already good enough for him, but not by my own merits or deeds – I’m good enough because of HIM, because I am his child and he loves me, not because I’m able/unable to work well at the mess my past has left at my doorstep. I will never be good enough in that sense, but he’s more than good enough and through him I can get past the pain and hurt that surrounds me daily.
I’ve been worrying about my knee and how in my eyes I cant see much difference, the thing that’s suppose to protect my knee from moving all over the place seems to add a lot of discomfort and I hate the feeling, it scares me. I place a wrap and brace on my knee to keep it intact but when I do, I can feel the heat oozing out of it and my knee begins to swell/expand while being wrapped – at least that’s what it feels like, which is a scary feeling for me. I guess i’ve watched too many horror movies in the past, but I begin to imagine my knee exploding. I prayed to God about that I think last night or this morning and today I felt God telling me that its happening that way so as to truly protect my knee. I’m no doctor and this might make no sense whatsoever in our world but God has said it and it brought comfort to me, the heat and the swelling under the wrap causes all the gaps between my knee and the wrap to disappear – the wrap has full grip on my knee and that stops it from moving about. My thigh gets all tight because the muscles are compensating for the weaker ones in my knee that have been damaged, therefore, my muscles are working as a team and though it feels weird and its scary at times because I cant really tell what’s happening. God knows what’s going on, my body knows what’s going – they’re doing whatever it takes to make me heal and well. God and his angels are fighting for me, obviously I cant see it but God reminded me today that I asked him to fight for me and that’s exactly what he’s doing. God’s tending to my wounds, he’s washing them clean and making me shine even more during the process, he’s helping me to trust that he is good and he will do what he said he will do which is to restore me and so much more for his good! He’s my heavenly father who loves me and he’s perfect – the good Shepard who is watching over me, his little flock and he will make all things right as I surrender to his will.
“Jesus in his infinite love for us, sometimes slows us down for a season so that he can heal our hearts.” You’re Already Amazing – Holley Gerth
You are loved!