I remember those days in high school, trying so hard to find myself yet wanting to be like the others who seemed to have it all together – the “brainiac” and the “cool” one, I was neither. I was the lost one, the outsider and the loner but still I had friends in every group, I was “screech”, at least I felt that way. I wanted to be liked so badly that id be overly kind to everyone, I was so kind that I won kindest person in my grade for 4 years outta the 5 years in High School. Who doesn’t want to be liked or to be someone’s friend? At that time I thought I was alone in trying to figure out who I am and going through so much. Now that im older I see that we all have things we face and go through, I wasnt and am not alone in these struggles – they may look different but we all go through stuff. Those girls I went to high school with didnt have it all together, no matter how hard they tried to pull it off, they were trying to find themselves too. Im not trying to find myself so much anymore as im trying to rebirth my true self, the person I was created to be before things got messy and the fall came into play. Im on this journey with God; a journey that is unique, exhausting at times, scary, painful yet exciting. I get overwhelmed at times when I think about the work that needs to be done in me, I forget that its God who’s doing the work in me and I think “I” cant do it! Of course I cant do it thats why God didnt ask me to, he asks me to follow him and to trust him even when it gets scary. I wrestle with that at times, I dont fully understand the concept of God doing the work and not me, what does that mean or even look like? Like resting, God wants me to rest but what does that even mean? I’m similar to the Israelites, working for so long that I dont know HOW to rest or allow God to do what only HE can do. Thankfully God is kind and patient, he’s taking his time with me and hes teaching me how to rest. Rest for God can be as simple as telling me its okay to be sad, I don’t have to be happy everyday to protect others – I can be real with him and just be sad for awhile. He created the emotions I feel and to him they’re good; theres no bad or negative emotion, whats bad about it is if I react badly to it. God is rewriting history in my life, the way I look at emotions, how I see myself, others and himself and he’s changing it all, what doesnt belong he’s removing it. He’s doing it slowly, so as to not overwhelm me or cause more pain. After an injury you have to go through the healing process slowly, any sudden movements or wrong turn and it could get worst. God’s teaching me to take things slow, to not rush my own healing but to remember that this is all a part of my journey with him, which means it’ll take time. People who know me say im strong and brave – I find it hard to see/believe most times because its about me. I can see it in others but not myself, this friend once asked me if I dont see how strong I am because ive decided to stay sexually pure, even when the world says its okay to act on my feelings towards my own gender or to just act period! Many have given up the fight because its just too hard and I didnt really see my own strength before but I think im getting there. Its not easy saying no to society and what “feels right”, im saying yes to God and to the person I know I really am and thats hard. At times I wanna give up and throw in the towel but God whispers to me during those moments…he encourages me to fight or to ask HIM to fight. Im so glad im no longer that person I was in high school, im not the fake me anymore; the girl desperately trying to fit in who will do anything to be liked- im now growing into the real me. God’s scraping away the bits that arent of me and restoring the parts that have been stolen/ hidden away by fear, and I thank him for that.
Always remember you’re on a journey, a journey of several steps. – Celebrate Recovery