But you’re gone

I hate waking up having dreamt about you. I hate not seeing your face anymore. I hate that I miss your laugh and your voice. I hate that you left without saying goodbye – as if I meant nothing to you. I guess I had it coming…karma really sucks! I hate feeling all sad because I miss you and I have no idea what to do about it. I feel weak even though God says im strong – im being strong when I allow myself to miss you and even cry but I find it hard to let myself go there because I feel anything BUT strong. You’ve hurt me by leaving and IM the one crying? How can I not feel weak? We were suppose to grow old together – get matching tattoos- go backpacking across Europe – be neighbours – chilling together as old folks on our porch! Did that only mean something to me? Are you doing okay without me? Do you miss me too? Have I already been replaced? I have all these people around me, they love me but they’re not you and I hate that I want them to be. We’re no good for each other, I knew it back then and I know it now but you’re gone and I miss you. I miss being called “Millsy” and “Mills and Boons” – I miss being able to say your name without sadness being attached to it. I guess this is what it felt like years ago when I said goodbye to you 1st, its not a pretty feeling – being left behind as if you dont matter or mean anything to someone you once meant the world to. Am I really suppose to put my heart on the line again – be close to another human – be someone’s best friend again – only to risk getting hurt and feeling pain all over again? Did I not mean anything to you – not even an explantation as to why you had to go? I guess I didnt give much of a reason that time I left you behind so why would you do it now? Still sucks! It sucks because you’re not here and I miss you…I miss having that friend who knows every single thing about me and still wishes to spend time with me, someone who will talk to me all day and never grow tired of it/me. I miss when we’d say our “I love you’s” – mainly because I knew you meant it, I guess you dont anymore. Our friendship was toxic but it was our norm, nothings normal anymore – I dunno how to let love in anymore. Im terrified of being hurt/being rejected/abandoned – im afraid of being in love with another like I did with you and so mentally I think im letting people in but emotionally I don’t. I try at times but then fear kicks in and I step away. If you’ve abandoned me who’s to say they wont? We loved each other yet you left. Today was a mess because I miss you and I wouldnt allow myself to, you’re not missing me @ least not to the extent I am so why should I be the ‘weak’ one? My sister encouraged me to feel what im feeling though, whether you might be feeling it too or not – because those feelings/emotions are mine – even if I hate them. Missing you is just proof over and over again that you’re no longer in my life – you disappeared. You were once my drug of choice and I am still going through withdrawal symptoms- I didnt give you up or throw you out, you did that to me. Its quite weird not knowing what your life is like anymore, I once used to know everything now I know nothing at all. Everytime something great happens I wish you were here so I could tell you all about it – I wish I could talk to you when I feel alone/sad cuz you’d always cheer me up. How do I forget/not miss a 10+ year friendship?  I kinda hope i’ll get to that place where you become a very distant memory and what we shared will be like a tiny speck in comparison to what God has in store for me. I wish you’re in as much pain as I am – misery loves company! 

I honestly do miss you – I wish our friendship wasnt ruined – that it didnt get all complicated and messed up. I wish I didnt miss you.   …but I do. 

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