My White Flag in the Wind

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭29:11‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Listening to Sarah Young’s Jesus Calling and the verse above was shared…I started to cry because I couldnt understand what plan God could possibly have for me during this resting/healing time. I can’t see any healing taking place, I try to listen and obey but I cant see any changes. I worry that this will end up being a life long thing that i’ll basically just have to live with. I’m referring to my knee but I think deep down it goes further than that. I can’t always see God’s hand in my life so I wonder if hes still working at trying to heal me. The doctors/therapist tells me one thing and my body says another – keep on moving, dont get stuck; yet my body says no you gotta sit still and rest. Is it silly for me to freak out and think i’m doing something wrong? That i’ll listen to the wrong voice and then end up lost, unable to move. Since being a child i’ve always tried my best to do what i’m told, so its kinda frustrating right now when im not quite sure what to do…noone’s really saying what I need to do for true healing – its like a hit and miss situation. Try going here and see how it is, walk this way and see what happens – no real direction. God isnt one to give a straight arrow type direction, we gotta just take it one step at a time and he will light that path as we take a step. Id prefer if he showed me in neon lights what I need to do and when I would get that healing ive been praying for. But, he doesnt work like that – thats where trust comes in. Its hard to trust and believe when I dont know for sure how/when this pain and discomfort will end. How long am I suppose to rest for? How long before I can go outside and play again? Im okay one day, and then the next my emotions change because im worrying or afraid this, whatever this is that im doing isnt working and im somehow causing more damage than helping in the healing process. Is it right for me to doubt my part in this? Am I doing all that I can and this is really the enemy whispering lies in my ears? Am I doing the right thing? If im obeying, why doesnt it feel that way? Why do I feel like im failing at every end? Why cant I see any change? I dont know how to hold onto your words, your plans for me are good – not to harm but to prosper me, to give me a future and hope. I need you to give me hope God, I need your hope for me to see that what im going through will end – that you’re working through it for me, that it wont be a life long issue/illness, that it wont harm me and I will prosper. Help me to see that this isnt the end for me, that I have a future with you, that you’re teaching me how to walk in a new way- slowly and one step at a time. I need your strength to move, to rest and to know which one im called to do during different times of the day. I want to know what YOU say I should do – you’re my true Doctor and Therapist, what do YOU say I should do? I need your comfort and peace to trust when you say you will make all things right if I surrender to your will. Help me to fully surrender to this plan/will you have for me – whether I can see the changes as yet or not. Help me to trust that you ARE fighting for me and I will be okay. I guess thats what you want me to do, to fully surrender to you. Help me to get through another day of rest, to truly rest with and in you – help me to love you today. 

I surrender. 

Your Beloved,

Kasceka 💜

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