My fears overwhelm me to the point of isolation and withdrawal. Why am I afraid though…what am I afraid of? Why am I afraid to be alone with my own thoughts and feelings? Why do I prefer to run and hide away from what im feeling? Ive always done that…id switch on the TV, put my earphones on – smoke/drink etc anything it takes to not feel what im feeling. So whats so scary about feeling sad? Or not wanting to be alone? God didnt create us to be alone, so why am I scared when I get sad because I am home alone and I don’t like it. Sometimes, I think if im feeling sad, then it means ive done something wrong or im not doing a good enough job at being happy/satisfied…I think I need to always be happy, its MY job to be happy – to make sure everyone is alright and well taken care of, if im sad then im failing at my job. So I need to quickly cheer up, not let anyone see, slap on a cheerful smile and it will allow everyone else to be happy as well. That’s alot to place on someone, let alone myself…why should it be a job mine to be happy all the time? Why am I so uncomfortable with silence and sadness? Silence screams my thoughts, my insecurities, my fears, my weaknesses and shortcomings – things I think I should work on that really God hasn’t said anything about and at times things he wants me to face. Im afraid of being sad because I at times feel out of control, it springs up and no matter how hard I try to make it “go away” it still lingers, it takes over and I become overwhelmed. I ignore it at times, its one emotion I don’t want to feel- why do I dislike it so much? What has it done to me? It tells me that something bad just happened, someone got hurt, im sad but I cant really show it because it’ll cause more chaos/probs so I do what I did as a little girl – I stuff it down deep, hide it from those around me and from myself, if im not sad then everything is alright…everyone is happy and so am I. Does it work though? No. Its still there and the fact that its not going away scares me even more. I must not be trying hard enough, I must not be doing the right thing; if I were, id be happy now. Something must be wrong if im sad for days, that can’t be normal. I’m not *fellowshipping* with others like im used to cause im at home due my knee, is that reason for me to be sad daily? When is it not an okay thing for me to “relax or rest” in this emotion called sadness, I actually dont think ive been resting in it all, how do I rest in something that scares me? How do I trust that this sadness might just be a temporary or non threatening thing? How can I trust God to take me out of this sadness or that it won’t somehow hurt me? I’ve had years of sadness where I felt alone and unprotected, I called on God and he seemed nowhere to be found. Hes shown me that he was there, but I think i’m lacking trust in him to be here now and to protect me when im sad. How do I know it won’t last forever or for a long time? How do I rest in God if I don’t trust him to protect me when im feeling sad?
I went to bed last night with God reminding me that he WAS there during those days when I was scared and sad, and hes here now. He will protect me when I feel sad, being sad will NOT harm me. He reminded me of things during my Therapy sessions last month. Psalm 23 : He is my shepard, the good and perfect shepard – he protects me, he brings me to green pastures and makes me lie down, he makes me rest, he leads me beside quiet waters and he restores my soul. He refreshes me! He loves me, I am his friend, his beloved, his daughter, his princess – he wants me, he chose me, he yearns for me. He reminded me of an image he gave me when my therapist read that psalm over me as a prayer; I was a little girl, in a green “pasture” like area, Jesus was there – he was holding my hand. Ever so often I would see a dark pit pop up out of nowhere, but I wouldn’t fall in any of them, Jesus would gently but swiftly pull me to the opposite side. I shared it with my Therapist and he said that was amazing because normally its the angel who protects our feet from stubbing a rock and all that, but Jesus was doing it himself, for me? With that memory, I felt peace, Jesus is my perfect and good Shepard, I am his flock and he is watching over me. I need not be afraid. I also received the verse below as I woke up this morning.
“I am the Alpha and the Omega-the beginning and the end,” says the Lord God. “I am the one who is, who always was, and who is still to come-the Almighty One.”
–Revelation 1:8, NLT
We are loved!