Servant of the Lord

Its funny that I made a post some months ago with someone in mind, thinking it would be what they needed; only God’s been showing me there’s more to that post and maybe it’s for me. In it I spoke about Identities and Labels we give ourselves or ones given to us by society/someone in our life. I threw off some labels, for instance being Bisexual but I still held onto Same Sex Attaction. God used a friend to honestly ask me how I view this struggle, if I see it as a part of me and if im afraid of it going away. I talked to God later on that night to see if I actually see SSA “Same Sex Attraction” as my identity and apparently I did. I thought it made me special and unique, I felt like that Golden Child at CR “Celebrate Recovery” because I was basically the only one there as a female who would say out loud I struggle with this thing and I hate it, and it made me feel like one of a kind. How could I give that feeling up? I was also afraid/unsure that God could or would use me if I no longer struggle with it, hes called me be a support and an encouragement to those who struggle with it so why would I be freed from it now? He showed me that he could make even more of an impact if I was healed of it, instead of still struggling. At CR we do this thing where we state what we’re in recovery for and every week I would somewhat proudly say “I struggle with SSA”, God told me in that moment to no longer say that, at least for right now. I was shocked to say the least and I had to ask – ‘what does that mean? What am I suppose to say then? I cant NOT say that!’ I really thought it was who I was. He calmed me down and explained it to me, everytime I said it I gave more control for it to have over my life; I gave it to the enemy instead of to God. He told me that he would let me know when the time is right to say it, but for now ‘Effects from Domestic Violence’ is all thats needed. During that night, literally crying on the bathroom floor I prayed that prayer I havent prayed since I was a teenager, I asked God to completely heal me, to take this away from me. I told him I no longer need it, its not mine and I don’t  want it anymore. When we finished talking he led me to the passage I used as the image – he basically told me that with or without SSA he will and can still use me, beause hes God. Since Ive done it its been the best thing ever, I feel alot freer – I dont get pretrified when I am attracted to a girl, instead I choose to stop and see whats causing the attraction. Sometimes its still hard, because  being my identity or not, the brokeness is still there and the enemy attacks because he sees it as a weak spot for me – especially when I feel tired or lonely/alone. God reminds me though that I am who he says I am. Through this im able to continue to reach out to safe healthy women, hang out with them and say to myself – if they trust me and think im safe I should do that with myself too and give no control whatsoever to this thing – ive called it by name too often in this so I shall just say thing. I even wrote all that he was saying to me – I included the prayer, date and time : March 14, 2016 @ 10:57 pm after my step study meeting. Hes shown me also that while im home, I am still his servant. I dont have to be out volunteering or serving as a Leader to be his servant or to be doing his work. I can serve him by texting/calling a friend, by praying for others, folding the towels at home and blogging when he says its time to blog. So thank God for that! 

Isaiah 42 : 1-9 Servant of the Lord

You are Blessed and Loved! πŸ’œπŸ’™βœŒπŸΎοΈβœπŸΎ

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