Someone that could’ve been me died today

“At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him. But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground. At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” “No one, sir,” she said. “Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.””

‭‭John‬ ‭8:2-11‬ ‭NIV‬‬

I’m sad. Really sad. I journaled about this and im now writing about it here because the sadness is so deep that I just can’t seem to get it out, maybe it shouldnt leave me today but still I write. I once identified with being bisexual – God spoke to me and showed his love to me, he took away that label and identity and he has given me new names but still the struggle is real, its still there. What happened in Orlando couldve happened to me. Ive made many plans to act on this ‘identity’ and feelings but God stopped it every time, i’ve never been to a gay club, but that wasnt my doing – that was all God. I cried when I heard this news and then I felt condemned, I didnt know I was being comdemned until I got alone and thought about what I was thinking about. These were the thoughts ” Why am I crying, I dont love these people?” “These people were living in sin and they’re the ones I want to change in the future with this Ministry I wanna bring to my church” “Im a hypocrite and im fake! I dont care about these people”. Of course these thoughts would be in first person, it wouldn’t sound like a lie coming from the enemy, wanting me to think I dont care about these people. Once I got alone I realized why I was crying – it couldve been me! I couldve been there and I couldve died with them or be on that hospital bed as well. I dont want to change these people with that group that God has placed on my heart, I want to heal those who seek healing, the same way im receiving healing. I love these people because they’re humans, just like I am and they didnt deserve to die. They died in such an inhumane way that it makes me sad. I don’t know what to say but that im heartbroken. *sigh* 
Someone died today that looked alot like me. 

God be with us all. 

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