Changes 

I’m realizing just now, why I’ve been feeling low/sad for a few days. My life is changing, it’s taking a different turn than I expected when the year started and I don’t know what’s going to happen or how it’s going to happen. I’ve been somewhat ‘disabled’ for almost two months now which has caused me to not be able to work. My employer told me last week that if I’m not able to come in this week that they’d need to start looking for someone else, it’s ‘next week’ and today I spent my mid-afternoon getting an MRI done on my knee. I’m not at work, I won’t be at work this week and I feel as though I’m having to start all over again. I’m right back where I was last year, except I wasn’t injured then, I had just returned to the country after being away for 5 years. I have no clue how to get to that place of even applying for new jobs again, I hate that process – it’s discouraging and so much work of just looking for a job, filling out those never ending applications only to receive an email that I didn’t get it, sometimes they don’t even respond. I don’t wanna have to go through all that again – I’m being a spoilt brat, I know. Life just seems to suck at the moment and I can’t wait to get past this, to get to the other side and be able to look back, it’s better to look back at bad stuff and rejoice in the fact that I made it, rather than be living in those bad times. A friend told me today that being injured, having to be at home and feeling low about it – is basically me grieving it all. I’m grieving all the things that I used to do and now all that is limited, I can’t walk around at the park or go hiking anymore. I can’t hop on the bus and go to the movie theater like I used to, I can’t even go there unless I’m prepared to have my leg cramped for the entire movie and afterwards, I can’t go to the gym – so I’m grieving. How do I even wrap my mind around having to start over in a new job and with new people? Unfortunately I always have a hard time when starting a new job, everyone does I guess, but I always doubt myself thinking I can’t do the job. They hired me and so I think maybe I fooled them into thinking I’m good enough for this job when really I’m not. Family members say I have a lot to offer but I have a really hard time believing those things about myself, it’s easier for me to believe when someone says negative things about me – the lies, but if it’s the truth and it’s something good and helpful, I can’t grab a hold of it. I don’t/can’t believe it. Thinking about going through the job search, writing/editing resumes, completing applications, going on interviews – not to mention possibly transitioning into a new job field is beyond scary for me. Scary because I have yet to believe in myself, I’ve doubted myself and my own abilities for years and I don’t know how to do anything but! I’m good enough, I have a lot to offer, I have a talent in writing and I’m a very caring person. Yet, the idea of being a professional writer/blogger or even continuing in being a care giver with another employer and at a new place seems like something I “can’t” do. I hate that I always use that word, I just, at this exact moment remember my parents saying that I should never use the word “can’t” or that something is “impossible” because I CAN and it is possible. God is changing things up for me, he’s taking me to a new place – a higher level, and I of course want to get there, it’s just scary because I don’t know how I’m going to get there if I don’t even believe I can. I guess I will just try, I’ll take that first step, the step that’s in front of me and just keep moving forward. I’ll get to that place that’s marked out for me, I’ll try not to worry about how I’m going to get there but just know if I at least try I will get there eventually.

Just keep swimming! ❤️

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