I remember that season right after High School when family/ friends of the family would always ask those scary questions during our get togethers – what are your plans for the future, what college are you going to, what do wanna do, where do you see yourself in 5 years? Why do we need to hear these questions? Maybe I’m just a highly sensitive person where it will affect me at the moment because I feel as though I’m back to being that scared 17 year old. I’m unsure of the future and all that I need to do to get there, even though it’s kinda mapped out of what I need to do to get there, the idea of starting it or even thinking of starting it is scary. I trust that I will be okay one moment, then when those questions pops up again, I wanna crawl under a rock and hide. People around me are moving on to different things; grades/schools/jobs and I’m just here, emtionally and mentally paralyzed by fear and so I just sit. I know I need to trust in God and that he will take care of me, just like he did before, but when all these questions appear I wonder how can I get to that place I wanna be from where I’m at now, I just don’t see how it can happen. All this talk about HOW to get there is more than enough of what I can take and I want to avoid it. I’ve always doubted my own abilities, and I’ve always used the words “I can’t”, now it’s even worst. I feel as though I literally can’t do things because of my knee, and while some of it is true, the line between ‘can’ and ‘can’t’ has been blurred. It’s as if I’m no longer aware of being capable of doing anything, and I can’t see how it’s going to end. My life has become unmanageable, at least it feels that way – I get by each day but I honestly haven’t got a clue as to how I got from one day to the next. I walk around feeling lost and unaware of my surroundings because I’m all up in my head thinking about my future and how cloudy/blurry it looks. I was so excited about this year, while God is doing work in me, I can’t help but feel like a mess/zombie but walking around as if I’m a complete person. I am not enjoying this ride at all; it’s bumpy, with a lot o toss and turns – no fast movements with hands up in the air at all, it’s very slow and it’s painful. I know God is gonna use this to tell another story, in the next chapter of his book for my life, I have no idea how it’s going to play out and that’s the hard/scary part. I don’t even know HOW to trust him, but with trembling hands, feet and heart – I will try my very best to even silently utter the words “yes” to him.
Your Beloved ❤️