“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” – Philippians 4:13
As I sit outside, waking up with a need to be with God and the birds. I start praying and asking God to free me from my fears that have recently gripped and somewhat paralyzed me. Through this prayer I realize that I’ve placed myself in a box, I’ve limited myself to what I think I can and can’t do and I’ve caged myself in. I’ve somehow locked myself in, I have the keys to let myself out but I can’t seem to use them. The thought of just holding onto those keys and putting them in that lock to let myself go free, contains fear in itself. I’m reminded just now of a therapy session I had couple months ago, this was the main thing – my fears. I’ve grown up so afraid of everything, including my capabilities of doing anything worthwhile and now I’m at a place where everyone keeps telling me to not be afraid, to not doubt myself, to trust God, but I can’t seem to get there. I stopped believing I was smart or good enough when I was about 12 or maybe even before that and so I’ve grown up with that attitude and mindset. Now it’s time to shake it off and break free, but how does one leave behind something that is so ingrained in who they think they are. My therapist told me that Jesus is my Shepard, the good Shepard and he’s taking care of me, I’m no longer in a place where I might get hurt, I’m no longer in a place where I need to be afraid of messing up or doing the wrong thing. I can apply for those jobs and if I don’t get it, that’s okay – if I get it, that means these people see something in me, they think I’m good enough and it’s time for me to believe that as well. Jesus, my Shepard is watching over me, he’s pleased to give me the kingdom here on earth as well as in Heaven. He’s taking care of me and he’s the one guiding me, he’s walking with me through that green meadow, holding my hand and putting me up on his shoulder when I don’t have the strength to walk any further. I shouldn’t compare my aggression in getting to that place he has for me, with another person’s aggression. I am not that person, I am me! I can be aggressive, I’ve been that way before and my aggression doesn’t have to be loud and in your face, it can just be that drive that I have within me that keeps pushing me forward even when someone says no we don’t want you. It’s not rejection, God is leading me to something bigger and better. God spoke life into me before I was born, he said that I can and I will…I’m his daughter, his flock, his sparrow and he’s said that I can and I will. He hasn’t given me a spirit of fear or timidity, I don’t have the spirit of fear or timidity living inside me. I have power, love and self-discipline living inside me – power to say yes I can and power to do it. His love and power lives within me and because of that I can keep moving forward. I will not be paralyzed or crippled by fear because that is not who I am, fear isn’t my name, it’s not my home – love, courage, peace, strength and child of God is my name, birthplace, hometown and residing place. It’s where I need to be, especially right now when the enemy doesn’t want me to go on any further. Darkness/dark clouds aren’t in my future, it’s not falling apart – but it’s falling into place, God has a rainbow for me and I want to get there. I wish I weren’t so afraid all the time, hopefully one day I’ll get to that place where I won’t be.
I want to break free. ❤️