Journal entry July 8, 2016 @ 12:21pm
I’m seeing posts and comments on social media saying you are good and we should pray but I am sad, I am upset and angry towards both you and your people – why are you being so quiet, why are your children being so quiet? Does the color of my skin make me less important than others/ that of a police officer? Is it okay for my brothers and sisters to die, yet it’s a big upset and heartbreak for a police to be scrutinized for “policing” and using unnecessary force against us to the point of us dying? Why is it a Nation’s cry when 5 cops are dead but still seen as nothing when over 100 black men and women are killed in just one year? Why do I feel less than, not important, an animal, someone to fear, or distrust because of the color of my skin? Why doesn’t the church see the need to talk about it/why do they justify our deaths? If only he dressed differently, if only she didn’t talk back, if only he stayed home and didn’t look as old as he did, the cops wouldn’t feel the need to “protect” themselves and kill them. If your people are silent and quiet about us being harassed and killed, how do I believe that you are truly for me when I’m black and a woman, two qualities that are overlooked even in the community of believers? When are you gonna rise up and defend us? We are being killed and in so much pain yet you remain silent and far away. I can’t even talk about this topic without fear of being seen as racist/anti-cops. The church in general is just as corrupt and messed up as the justice system; they pick and choose what to talk about, who to love and who to cast away/lock up. They choose not to deal with the heart issue and the facts that are right in front of them. Being silent about the injustice is just as bad if not worst than justifying why someone deserved to die. Where are you God? Why aren’t you showing us that you care, that you love us, that you see us the same way you see our white brothers and sisters? Why are we left feeling unimportant, different, not good enough, like animals, unworthy, scum, killers, no good, thugs, less than? Why are we not loved or seen as your children too? Why don’t they see that we hurt too, that we feel pain, that we cry when our loved ones are gone – why is it as if they see us and they see robots? Why can’t we get pass this? I look at my white sisters and I wish I had her skin color – her hair. I look at myself and I see dirt, I see ugliness, I feel shame for being black and for being ME and I don’t know how to love ME. I don’t know how to look at my skin color and hair and see beauty, I don’t know how to look in the mirror and truly love what I see and be proud of being black and I hate that! I hate living in a world where the color of your skin is more important than the content of your heart and your character, and I don’t know why eyes and ears are still being shut to all that. Are you in our lives too or have we been forgotten? I feel like we’ve been forgetton for decades now and that no one seems to notice or care. We need you, I feel like we’re drowning and suffocating without even being around water. We’re reaching out our hands for your people to pull us up but they’ve turned away and hid their faces from us, and so we sit and wait. But what exactly are we waiting for?