I’ll Rise 

I’ll rise up. I’ll rise like the day. I’ll rise up. I’ll rise unafraid. I’ll rise up, and I’ll do it a thousand times again. And I’ll rise up, high like the waves. I’ll rise up in spite of the ache. I’ll rise up and I’ll do it a thousand times again. – Andra Day ❤️

This year has been a tough year for me, not what I expected at all. I was excited for this year, soooo excited and then it happened. I’ve stepped out of my comfort zone in so many ways, I’ve done things I never thought possible, not even while it was happening did I ever imagine myself doing it. I’ve had disappointments this year that caused me to feel less than/not good enough/ a failure and I’ve spiraled into darkness at times because of it. Depression and sadness scares me, as a child I would stuff my feelings, I tried to stuff the “negative” ones and in the mean time I stuffed the “good” ones as well. When I get sad or I think I might be depressed I get scared and try to fix things where I’m no longer sad but happy, which only makes it worst. I would never tell someone who suffers from depression or who happens to be sad, to just be happy/ to not be weak/ to just pray more, so why do I do that to myself? Why do I not allow myself to just be? Why am I so hard on myself all the time? I’ve lost interest in a lot of things and the idea of doing anything at all just overwhelms me. God promises to pick us up out of that slimy dark pit and set us on a rock – where our, my feet, will be firm. He promises to not leave us, even though at times it feels as though he’s left me by the side of the road, injured and bleeding, he’s still here. He promised that he has a plan, one not to harm, but to give us hope  and a future. I’m lacking hope this year – I’m lacking that vision of what my future will really be like because sometimes I don’t see a future. I feel pain, sadness, fear and disappointment but I’m trying my very best to hold onto God’s truth and not how I feel during the days. He’s working in me, I can’t see everything because that’s just not the way it is, but he’s working. And even though it’s hard, even though there are days where I don’t want to keep moving, where I want to give up, I then remember that he’s called me to do great things and because of that…I keep going. 

My God will make a way! ❤️

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