I’m going to be okay

Writing this for ME because I need it now. Been at the CR Leadership Summit since Wednesday…its Friday now and just last night I admitted to God, myself and my sponsor that I’m attracted to a friend – a girl – someone I love. I hate the thoughts and feelings I have towards her that aren’t pure or Godly yet at the same time I love them and I crave them, as much as I crave attention from her. Everyone keeps telling me it will get better, I’ll get through this, I’m stronger than I think I am – but I feel anything but those things. I crave her touch and I love it when she “sees” me, when she notices me and wants to be next to me but I hate that I feel those things. I hate that my choice is to follow God and not these thoughts or feelings and I hate that it isn’t any easier. I hate that God has me investing in friendships with women; even women I’m attracted to because it’s hard and I at times don’t know what to do. Stand on the truth, stand firm, claim victory. I hear all these things but I feel like I’m doing everything wrong. I feel like I’m doing nothing that I’m suppose to do and everything I’m NOT suppose to be doing. I’m dwelling on these thoughts; these unpure and unsafe thoughts and I don’t know how to let them go. I feel like I’m back in high school, being trapped in school with women all around that I’m attracted to without a single clue of what to do. I cry out to you God, through words and at times; I just cry or I sit quietly because it’s too painful and confusing to dissect my emotions and thoughts. What can I do? What should I do? I love you and I want to follow you so badly but I don’t know what to do and it’s scary not knowing. I feel like every step I take to freedom, I mess up and I go through more pain and confusion. Can I even go on? Will things start looking up tomorrow? Will I get peace? Will I be able to be around her and not freeze emotionally and physically because I just don’t know how to handle it? Can things get better already? I need your help, because I can’t do it alone; I’ve tried, just yesterday I tried and it didn’t work. So please help me. I’m heading back to the big meeting and I just don’t know how I’m going to do it, so please help me to trust you and claim these things in my life:

I’m a new creation

I am strong

I am victorious

God has made me victorious

I am here for a purpose

I am going to be okay!
Your beloved, 

Kasceka

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s