Use what’s left of me

“I’ve made mistakes, i’ve let my hope fail. My soul feels crushed by the weight of this world. And I know that you can give me rest, so I cry out with all that I have left.”

Last night as I went to bed I cried when I realized the emotions and thoughts I’ve been hiding from just hours before. Life is hard, it’s one battle after the next and it gets to the point where I just grow tired and weary. I felt like I had nothing left to give. I had no way of moving to the next thing and jumping over this hurdle because I felt like I had no energy left. So as I laid in bed last night that thought came to me and I wept – I have nothing left to give. I’ve given everything, I’ve done all I thought I could do and it still wasn’t enough. I was able to fall asleep though and then this morning the song Tenth Avenue North – Worn came to mind. I decided to play it as I got ready to leave for a conference and every single word hit somewhere in me – I started sobbing. I’ve felt so tired, exhausted, unusable, weary etc and here I was getting ready to go be on a Ministry Team at a Desert Stream Ministries conference. I knew that I was weak, I felt weak but it caused me to pray to God in that weakness and ask him to meet me where I’m at, to take over my body and use me – even if I don’t feel useable. I asked him to fill me with his strength, presence and spirit, to speak through me and use me as a broken vessel for him to shine through. I’ve never done what I did today ever before, I’ve never got up in front o people, have then come to me and trust me with their sins and brokenness and ask me to pray for them then and there while others are doing the same. I’d pray for people individually cuz we’re friends, but not so much with strangers because I’ve always been afraid to do that, I’d think oh I can’t pray the prayer you will really need – go see Bob/Mary they’re better at it than I am. Today was different, I knew God wanted me there and if he wanted me there he must truly believe I have something to offer that’s not present in everyone’s life. So I prayed to God to have me believe that I’m there for a reason, that I won’t compare myself to another and say they’re better than I am and that I can’t do it. I focused on what I was there for, his people, I trusted that he would guide me and I waited for his guidance as I’d pray for these individuals. The enemy for sure would say stuff afterwards, oh you should’ve done that or you should’ve said that – but I believe that I prayed the prayers God wanted me to pray to the people he wanted to hear them. I loved what I did today, I love that God is doing something in me that I’m still not even quite sure what it is or how huge it is and I don’t have to know all that. All I need to know and what I do know, is that he’s using me – he’s taking all that I have left and he’s using it because he knows I’m frail and torn but my heart is willing to follow him wherever he leads me. 

“Let me see redemption win. Let me know the struggle ends. That you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn. I want to know a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life. And all that’s dead inside can be reborn”  Tenth Avenue North – Worn ❤️

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