Exodus 

“…. Who am I that I should go to Pharoah and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?” – Exodus 3 : 11

Back in July God led me to Exodus time and time again, to read Moses’ story. July was a hard month for me due to the racial tension in the country and God showing me what I thought of myself because of my race. He not only showed me that but through praying and asking God for another Moses and another MLK jr, God told me that he has ME. He doesn’t need another “Moses” or “MLK jr” in this generation because he has his people on earth and he’s given me this passion and heartache for a reason. I realized that my issue with Same Sex Attraction goes deeper than just wanting to be with a woman, it goes to the core of who I think I am and who I think I’m not because of the color of my skin. I think I’m unpretty and someone else with a different skin color is pretty, so instead of admiring what beauty they have, because I can’t see beauty in my skin color I tend to gravitate to that person. I compare and then want to covet; they have a skin color I want so if I can’t get it I want to be with them instead. I had just finished a Step Study group at Celebrate Recovery and leaders as well as participants had been asking me to lead another step study in the summer; I kept saying no because it’s hard work and like Moses I didn’t think I could do it, I didn’t think I would survive. When all this was going on and I was realizing more about myself, I felt the need to not only join this step study but to do as these people asked and say “yes”, so I did! On September 6 we had our very 1st meeting and I was petrified to do it, I still am scared – every day I know I have to do it I get scared, but that pulls me more towards God for strength and guidance. The last meeting I got some great feedback and one not so good feedback, so which feedback did I hold onto? The not so good one! God had me journal about all the good things I did leading up to the meeting and the good things I did in the meeting, because my mind was on the one thing I didn’t do so well at – communicating! This morning God led me again to Exodus, to Moses. He led me there after I started to state all the ways im not good at leading these women, how I’m gonna fail and in turn lead them to failure – that’s a whole lot to put on myself! God spoke to me last night and he told me he’s proud of me, that he’s excited for me, he’s delighted in me and he gave me a vision of him in heaven watching over me. This morning he told me that he chose me to lead this group not because I’m an eloquent speaker/great communicator/ brave/ strong but he chose me because he wanted to. He did the same with Moses, Moses himself said he wasn’t a great speaker but God still ended up using him to speak to Pharoah and in turn he was able to walk out with those slaves into freedom. I realize I’m not God, that I’m powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life is unmanageable. (Priciple 1) – I’m not God, I can’t give these women their recovery or freedom, I can’t even give it to myself, that’s all God! I can however, walk side by side with them as I allow God to lead me to recovery and freedom too. I believe that God exists, that I matter to him and that he has the power to help me recover (Principle 2) – God can “fix” me and my situation, I can’t. I choose to commit all my life and will to Christ’s care and control ( Principle 3) – I give my fears and my need to control over to Christ’s care and control. I don’t have to be the best at everything, I just need to be present and willing for God to do his work in me, I’m God’s mouthpiece and broken vessel that he’s using, in my own race, in Celebrate Recovery and everywhere I go. I need to remember and God’s reminding me, that I’m also in this step study for MY growth and recovery, I’m just as vulnerable and scared as the next person, my main focus should be on God and where he wants to take me, not about leading these women to recovery, that’s when it gets too much for me. I need to give that to God, he can handle it, I can’t. These are your people, your children, you care about them more than I ever could and you will rescue them. Thank you for rescuing us and for leading us to shore. 🙏🏾

Moses said to the Lord, “Pardon your servant, Lord. I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue.” 

The Lord said to him, ” Who gave human beings their mouths? Who makes them deaf or mute? Who gives them sight or makes them blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say.” – Exodus 3:10-12

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