The Useable Broken Pot

β€œ…My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” – 1 Corinthians 12:9

I finished my 3rd step study sometime in maybe May of this year and as it was finishing I had leaders and participants alike asking me if I’d lead the next step study…the one starting in the summer. I kept saying no, thinking I can’t lead a step study, not after finishing one just some weeks/months ago. God had plans for me though, plans others could see but I was still in the dark mainly because it was more comfy being in the dark. I figured I couldn’t lead a step study because I felt so messy on the inside, I had a knee injury, I wanted to quit everything, I was jobless, penniless, carless, hopeless and everything with the word “less” attached to it. I was going through stuff that made me feel disqualified in leading anyone to freedom. I felt worn out and just not enough to be leading the Newcomers Group at CR and then a step study. I prayed after months of people asking me, I asked God to let someone else – just one more leader, let him or her ask me again if I want to lead this step study and then I’ll take that as a sign that says I should lead it. I prayed that prayer sometime before the riots/protests were going on, before the racial tension started up again, I prayed that prayer before I realized that my issues with Same Sex Attraction goes a lot deeper than I thought, it went as deep as to my view of myself because of my race and my view of someone else who’s more light skinned than I am. After all that was happening I then realized that God has some more healing for me and I needed to not only join this next step study but to lead it. God brought me that leader who asked me again if I wanted to lead it and this time I said yes. Before I was like Moses, I kept telling God to send someone else, who am I to lead these women, send someone else who’s more qualified and eloquent in communicating. Thankfully he didn’t send someone else, instead he waited on me to see that I too needed this. I went into this step study thinking I need to work on Love and Relationship Addiction and while that is an issue in my life, it’s not the issue that’s causing the most havoc in my life at the moment. I’ve been leading this group for 6 weeks under false pretense thinking the issue I need help in is L&R Addiction. I’ve been on the search for a new Sponsor/temporary Sponsor and while texting a possible candidate about the confusion I’m going through in finding out what area I should be working on, it hit me like a ton of bricks, it hurt like hell and it made me cry. I’ve been afraid to go back to Same Sex Attraction and to work on this issue because it causes me to think I’ll be working on it for the rest of my life, with all the doubts and questions I have about Homosexuality – the Bible, God, Society, Science and Christians and what they all say about it, I’ve been afraid I won’t get the answers/ I’ll get the answers just not the answers I might be hoping for. I’ve accepted that I need to work on this issue, I’ve even made plans with a pastor at my church to go over these questions I have. Today I sat and did my step study home work, we’re now in Lesson 3 : Hope and just through writing out my answers I see why God wants me to work on this issue with these women. Not only am I doing it for myself but I’m doing it for these women in the group as well. Weeks before we started I was filled with doubt and fears, the enemy got a hold of my mind and had me thinking I can’t lead these women to Christ because of SSA – through my eyes and the enemies lies a woman who has weaknesses for other women can’t lead them out of darkness. Thank God for God though because that’s what he’s doing right now in this group. He’s teaching me new ways to protect myself and to see people through his eyes, he’s teaching me to have others keep me accountable, he’s teaching me to speak up, to confront in a healthy way, to hold firm the guidelines in the group so it’s safe for everyone – ME, a people pleaser! He wants me to use my weakness and brokenness and all that ties in with Same Sex Attraction. I get to share this with these women who are so different than I am, I get to lead and shine through my vulnerability and honesty, which then allows them to do the same. Who woulda thunk that someone like me, someone who always hides away from speaking in groups, would be leading women to freedom and to Christ? Only God did cuz I sure didn’t. A verse God brought me to years ago that had always stuck with me…

 β€œI, the Lord, have called you in righteousness; I will take hold of your hand. I will keep you and will make you to be a covenant for the people and a light for the Gentiles, to open eyes that are blind, to free captives from prison and to release from the dungeon those who sit in darkness.” – Isaiah 42:6-7

” I believe God is using your brokenness to water all of us in this step study. Thank you for leading.” – Step Study Participant and Friend 😬



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