I’m not good at this; feeling what I’m feeling, allowing myself to feel what I’m feeling, I don’t know how to react like a “normal” person to traumatic things. I’ve shut myself off for so long to traumatic things and emotions that goes with it, so now that I’m adult I can’t release these emotions easily. I don’t TRY to ignore my emotions or what has happened but I end up doing it or I just don’t how HOW to face them and let them flow in a natural way. I can cry for hours if I’m watching/reading a sad story but if it’s something that’s happened in real life to me, it’s like a wall comes up and nothing gets out until reality hits after several attempts of facing/running from it. A cousin that I was pretty close to, even though he was 10x older than I am, died today – in a horrible way and I don’t know what to do with that. What am I SUPPOSE to feel/do? Tears fill my eyes but it just stays there, it can’t seem to get out, it’s blocked somehow. What’s blocking it? I’m trying to remind myself to be kind to myself, to give myself grace and when the tears come they’ll come. That kindness only last for a second or so after that I’m back at it again, trying to figure out what’s wrong with me and why can’t I grieve like others do. I start thinking I’m doing something wrong, I’m not trying hard enough to release these emotions. I don’t even know why I’m writing this because it seems like it’s turning into a battle between myself and I. I’m not the enemy here, it’s okay if within hours of hearing a traumatic news like the one I heard today I’m not able to cry. It’s okay that I take more time than others to process and to grieve, I don’t need to force myself to be happy/to cry. I have a need like everyone else, to feel comforted when something like this happens – so far God is a bit late in delivering that comfort he promised to all those who mourn and I dunno when he’ll deliver but I need him to comfort me. I honestly dunno why I’m writing this, I’ve journaled TWICE since I heard this news, hoping that it would help somehow, I don’t think it has and so here I am but it feels all the same. I don’t want to seek out comfort in a movie/tv show but I honestly dunno what else to do because nothing seems to be helping. Am I just suppose to ‘be’? To just ‘be’ is a very uncomfortable thing and place, but I guess I can try to stick around for as long as I need to.
RIP CG 💔