I don’t know what I’m doing or where I’m going with this/where it’ll end up or what will happen while I’m doing it but here I am anyway. I’ve been shutting myself off from feeling the loss of a loved one that I’ve pushed all the sadness and grief inwards and upon myself. A friend of mine told me to list out the feelings I’m feeling at the moment, because I can’t always tell what I’m feeling I had to Google “feeling words”. I looked through the list and prayed for certain words to jump out at me that way I’d know it’s what I’m feeling. I have so much going on inside me right now that all those feelings I saw on paper overwhelmed me. I tried to start somewhere, with ‘guilt’ but that overwhelmed me too and all I wanted to do was take a nap. To sleep and maybe when I wake up all those feelings would go away but they don’t, they keep following me everywhere I go. I hate crying, my tears scares me – they tell me something is wrong and I don’t like when something is wrong. I always want things to be chirpy and dandy, those feelings I enjoy having and I love to showcase the “good” feelings. I feel complete brokenness right now. Every time I realize that I won’t be able to see my cousin anymore, a cousin who I grew up with – who was always at my house, it’s like I’m reliving the day all over again. The day I got that call that you’re gone and you won’t be coming back. I go through all that anger again; i’m angry at you for leaving – for not staying home that day when it rained. Why didn’t you stay home? Why were you driving like a mad man? Why didn’t you wear your seatbelt? Why were you toying with God and his church? Now I don’t know where you are and that causes unrest within me. I want to be able to see you again and to know you will truly be at rest. Was your last moments on earth painful? Did you suffer? For my own peace of mind I like to think you didn’t suffer but I don’t know. You left us in the worst way possible, without us expecting it and in a painful way. I wish I could’ve said goodbye to you, I wish I would’ve called you more – said I love you and I miss you more but I didn’t and that’s probably the worst pain to feel with you being gone. Not knowing if you knew I loved you, I might’ve shown it in some of my actions but I don’t think I ever said I love you, and that regret sinks so deep that I just want to keep burying it deeper and deeper so it doesn’t surface. I wore a bracelet yesterday and the evening before, and just yesterday it reminded me of you. You would always wear those gold bracelets, bracelets and jewelry that mummy loved and always wanted to borrow. I miss you so much and I’m mad at you for leaving. You should still be here and you shouldn’t have left. I keep remembering through high school when you’d come to our house in the mornings, pick me up and drive me to the bus stop, I’m not a morning person – especially when it’s still dark out at 6am but you’d always make that journey enjoyable. I’d laugh in those early mornings when that’s not a usual thing for me. I remember those family/business trips we’d go on, entertaining debates you’d have with daddy – you’re the only one who could attack daddy like that with your individual opinion and it would still be entertaining, all those times you came by the house and we’d drink together. All those years you were like a brother who lived away from home but still came by everyday, a brother we shared everything with. I wish I could know/believe that you knew I loved and cared for you, maybe then the pain wouldn’t be so painful and constant. When will I get through this? Will I ever get over you dying and leaving us like this? I can still hear your voice and see your face, maybe one day that will be a peaceful thing for me, right now it’s just painful to still see and hear you when I know you’re no longer around. December is coming around, your birthday and your funeral date so that’s probably gonna be tough. It’s gonna be tough because I won’t be there to say goodbye like everyone else. I didn’t think I could deal with seeing photos or videos of that day but I think I need to, as a way to let you go and to say goodbye. Even though I don’t want to let you go or say goodbye, that’ll be me accepting that you’re gone and up until now I thought I had accepted it, but truth be told I haven’t. I can’t accept it because I can’t believe you’re gone. I can’t picture life/being back home and you’re not there to call me “couz” or to say “waa gwaan couz “. It’s not fair. I can’t find myself saying/typing RIP….. – you shouldn’t be resting, at least not that way. You should be at our house right now perplexing mummy and daddy like you normally do, you shouldn’t be resting in a morgue on ice. My heart hurts, my body feels weak from stifling all these emotions and feelings since I heard the news. I allowed myself to feel some, I’ve been feeling more than what I’m used to feeling – but this is a heavy blow, a blow that keeps knocking me down day and after day and all I keep asking myself is if it’s safe to get back up. Is it safe to feel these feelings, to let them out, is it safe to walk around forgetting that you’re gone, because I know minutes later that memory of your passing hits me like a ton of bricks and I’m thrown to the ground again. Is it safe to stay down? Is it safe to get back up? I don’t know what’s safe but I’m here. Writing out what I’m feeling, speaking to you as if you’re here and wishing you could somehow hear me. If only you could hear me you’d know how much I love you and how I’m having a hard time because I miss you and wish you were here. We’re not handling this well at all, none of us – we’re all grieving in our own way but it’s a tough time for us all. I’m silent at times, and that’s when I feel the most pain. When I’m not saying how I’m feeling to others or myself – I’m in the worst pain possible, it’s hidden and so I don’t see that it needs to come out or that I need to process it. I just walk around feeling like a zombie without a clue as to why that is…until now. I’m in pain because you’re not here, I’m in pain because this grieving and these emotions are so intense that they scare me and all I want to do is stuff them down. I’m glad I’m able to do this, I didn’t know how I’d do it/where it would lead – but I think this is the most I’ve said,felt and cried since that awful Monday 3 weeks ago. I realized this week that when I cut myself off from my feelings and emotions, I’m actually detaching and cutting myself off from the little girl in me. The little girl I used to be, the little girl that still lives in me – she isn’t afraid to show her emotions, she loves to do that – when I say no to my feelings I’m saying no to her. I’m saying you’re too much for me and I don’t want to deal with you right now, I don’t want to do that to her. The world wounded her already and I don’t want to be doing that to her continuously as well. Jesus is healing those wounds in her, he trusts me with her and I want to take great care of her because she is me and I am her, we are one in the same. Maybe I’ll get to that place of accepting that you’re gone; I wanted to put “death” but I don’t think I’m there yet to accept that. Right now I’m jumping all over the place; from guilt-regret-sadness-anger-disbelief-depression. Acceptance isn’t there as yet and I hope I’ll believe that that’s okay. How could I accept that you’re gone when it’s still fairly new? I can say you’re gone and that I miss you, but deep down the acceptance isn’t there. Deep down I’m still trying to figure out how could that accident have happened – it doesn’t make sense. How could you be gone? I never saw you as someone who could one day not be here anymore, I thought you’d be here forever or you at least have the decency to leave after I did; to protect me from the misery I’m facing right now. We gotta play domino again someday, in Heaven we can drink milk & honey/ maybe just milk cause that sound too sweet, instead of Heineken and Red Stripe Beer and everything will be alright then 🙂
You are missed and you are loved CG and I wish you were still here. Till then, walk good mi couz.