Let him know I love him

I know I need to write something and get in touch with my feelings, so my heart is racing and I’m biting my nails. I just woke up from my nap, I don’t think I’ve been sleeping peaceful/restful in awhile now. I go to sleep and wake up, only to feel tired and wanting to go back to bed. As I was getting some food ready to eat, I didn’t want to eat but I forced myself to get outta bed since I haven’t eaten since breakfast and it’s now 6pm. I’m missing my cousin. The minute I wake up I feel like I’m being hit over the head by everything that’s him. I wanted to watch a movie that was his favorite or something we watched together because a friend suggested it but I don’t know what that is. I don’t remember sitting and watching TV with him, I remember us doing other things but TV watching isn’t one of them. I’m trying to remember if mommy would borrow jewelry from him or his brother and I can’t. This is probably the enemy’s part but I’m asking God to use it for his good and his glory, I’m asking you Lord not to let me feel this pain for no reason at all. I’m thinking because I didn’t know those few things then it means I didn’t know him at all and that I didn’t care about him. When the truth is that I loved him, I loved him and I never once said it to him or to anyone else. Why did I keep it hidden? Why didn’t I share it with others? My sister proudly shared with me some weeks ago that she’s happy she told everyone she spoke with about him, that she loved him. I feel guilty and horrible that I didn’t do that. I love him so much and I never once said it to him or anyone who knew him. God can you bring him back to us please? I don’t want him to not be here, I don’t want to keep feeling all this pain – it’s too much and I have nowhere to put it but inside. It feels like it might be safer there because at least there it’s controlled and hidden, bringing it out into the open I don’t know what will happen, how I will handle it, if it’ll explode or not, if I will feel better after. I don’t think I’m feeling “better” after each emotional release but I’m getting there and I’m letting it out instead of holding it in to choke it out. If I ask you to tell him I love him and miss him will you let him know? I feel like I just want him to know how much I care because I didn’t tell him when he was here and I regret that. I wish I could see you again to be able to tell you that, to hug you and to say I love you. Maybe even to beg you not to leave, to stay home and not go on the road today – anything to keep you here. I just want you to be here, to stay here, I want to hold onto you and to not let you go and I so wish I knew how much you meant to me while you were here and that I’d have the courage to let you know while you were still alive. I bet you used to pick me up as a little girl and hug me, I don’t remember cuz I was so little but you sound like the type o person who would pick me up and throw me in the air/put me on your shoulders. I feel so tired and worn out from both sharing my emotions like this and even keeping them in; either way it’s exhausting. I feel tired and worn out after both activities but at least one of them is healthy and one of them is actually carrying me through this grieving process. A friend of mine talked about a grief support group that’s at her church and I told her I’d want to do that. She said she’d give my details to the leader and the leader will contact me with more information. That seems good and what I need right now, while CR is great and I love it – it’s been hard for me to share how I’m feeling about this in the groups, not because I’m not sharing but because it feels like nothing is happening while I’m sharing, it’s as if I’m just sharing for the sake of sharing. I prayed for Christian counseling and I think this might be an answered prayer. I hope it helps me. Thank you God for guiding me through this, for helping me to take it and turn it outwards instead of inwards. Thank you for reminding me that it’s okay to be sad, someone that meant the world to me is no longer with us and that causes me pain and that is normal. Nothing is wrong with me for being sad or in pain, I’m right where I’m suppose to be and you’re in this pain with me, you’re healing me through it, you’re carrying me through this and I’ll be okay. Just now as I was re-reading what I wrote and scrolling through, it kept getting stuck at the top, I decided to stop fighting it to get back to the bottom and just leave it where it seemed to want to stay. I read that part about asking God to use this for his good and glory, and for this pain to basically have a purpose. Through that I remembered when I was talking to a friend, I think it was in her prayer where she prayed that through this I’d be able to help others that are also grieving. Please let that be true God, if it is your will, don’t waste this hurt but do what you will however you will.


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