Letters to space because you’re gone

Each day I’m realizing more and more that I don’t want to talk to those who knew you, those who were close to you, those who are mourning like I am. I know that’s selfish of me and I need to cry with those who cry, but it’s hard for me. I eventually talk to them but it’s hard. I find it extremely hard to speak to my mother which is worst of all because she’s my mother, she was the closest to you and I know she’s hurting a lot but at times she tries to hide it. I don’t know how to be there for them and I at times feel like I need to be the encouraging one, the one who rushes in to save them. I don’t always know how to carry on a conversation, especially when we both share a common sadness that neither of us really want to talk about. I don’t want to speak to them because their sadness makes your leaving even more real. The conversation eventually goes well but clicking accept to a phone call or hitting the call button to speak to a loved one is extremely hard. I want to be there for them but sometimes I can’t even be there for myself so it’s like they’re left on the back burner until I can recuperate then I reach out. I guess that’s okay but I feel selfish for doing it that way. I don’t know what’s right or wrong when grieving someone, is there even a right or wrong way to handle it? There probably is but I don’t know which is which. This is one death I don’t know when I’ll ever get over, maybe it’s okay to not get over but to just have some release. 

🌟

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