I’m here sitting and eating in public with others around me and God with me, but I feel sad. I keep having those overwhelming feelings of sadness out of nowhere and it’s hard to shake them off, I try to shake them off at first and then I just sit in it which isn’t easy. I have to ask God everyday to give me strength and for him to show me what I should do for that day, today I felt like he was telling me to do a few things one included going out for lunch and to spend time with him there. During this time spending with him I think he wants me to start working my battle plan and to focus on the accountability section. So, I’d see what I need to focus on – who he has for me in those areas and what accountability would look like for each area with each partner. I prayed for his help to not be overwhelmed because everything overwhelms me recently, I also keep praying for me to allow him to help me because I’ll take it from him – try to figure everything out on my own and then get overwhelmed. I started on the plan, I listed out some areas but I think I started to switch from listing areas to listing areas and what accountability would look like for those areas, so now I’m overwhelmed and sad. I hear it’s normal when grieving to be sad and overwhelmed easily, this has been happening a lot a lot. I can’t think about what I’m going to do tomorrow or the day after, I can’t even think about what I’m going to do tonight, everyday I get up if I don’t ask God for strength and if I go off and think about what to do a minute from now – I feel defeated before I even get up out of bed. I have moments where a song plays and I just start crying, sometimes I know I’m crying because I’m thinking of my cousin – other times I’m not sure but I sense God telling me to not try and figure everything out, to just cry and trust that he’s healing me through the tears even if I don’t know what the tears represent. In my grief support group they mentioned acknowledging what I need help in so I can communicate it when others ask what I’d want help in. Asking for help and admitting I need help are both difficult things for me to do, I don’t like going deep and sharing my weakness, it’s scary. God is using this grieving process for me to write out what I need help in, he wants to show me who I can rely on with those areas, he’s showing me how to take my Recovery serious and actively seeking help outside of my Thursday and Tuesday night meetings and he’s teaching me to even say I need more help. Recovery is a messy thing, it feels “messier” than the mess of unhealthy living – i’m used to living in an unhealthy way, with unhealthy people around me, doing unhealthy things, watching unhealthy things, thinking unhealthy things etc and now God is saying here’s a new way of doing things let me help you and I just want to run for the hills. I don’t know where I’m going with this, I think I started somewhere else but here I am. I at times feel like this is a lost cause and I should just throw my hands up in the air and say I give up, I can’t do this anymore but what would I truly gain from doing that? A mediocre life? Living life that seems easy but wouldn’t be worthwhile or satisfying at all. It’s just hard, thinking about what I need to do to get better; to stay pure and have a new mindset is hard. It’s hard because I take my eyes off of God and place it on my ability to learn and to do things that will please him. I can’t please him without faith and taking my eyes off him only to fix them on my human ways is faith in me and not in him. I wish I knew how to do this by now but I don’t, in so many ways I’m just learning new things. I’m learning to fix my eyes on him when I wake up from a sexual dream that tries to drag me in and down. Each time I fix my eyes on him, my desire to hold onto the dream or the person in the dream loses its flavor. I want it to get easier already but it doesn’t work that way because unlike my way God doesn’t want to do a “quick fix” in me – he wants to transform me from the inside out, he wants me to rush to his feet as a little girl with my arms wrapped around his legs looking for safety, he wants us to hide in that closet with him as my hiding place because I’m afraid of what’s out there in the outside world, he wants us to take a walk on the beach, hand in hand and look at the beautiful sunset when I’m craving intimacy and comfort, he wants to pick me up and put me on his shoulder when I need protection and the love of a father to say I have all your weakness and brokenness right here and you’ll be okay, he wants me to sit with him in the park under a tree because he loves me and wants to be with me. These days of confusion, sadness, grief, being overwhelmed by everything – I forget sometimes but when I remember that he’s enough, he then becomes all I need, tv loses its flavor and so do those individuals I always run to when the desire of getting my needs met becomes strong. They’re only humans, how can I expect them to fill all my needs, I go to them only to end up feeling emptier that when I turned to them in the 1st place. It’s like drinking/smoking to ignore my problems only to finish it with my problems still being there, having sex to feel loved and wanted only to be left alone after the deed has been completed and it’s like cutting myself to be in control and strong only to feel pain, soreness and to become a slave to guilt. I guess I just need to be with God, trusting he’s here with me and believe that even in my sadness – God is working, he hasn’t given up on me, I’m not too much for him and I’m going to be okay.
Thank you Lord for the love you’re showing me through this difficult season of my life. 🙏🏾💕
“Say, ‘This is where I am. I’m going to accept it. I hate it, but God is somehow at work. I don’t feel it, but I’m going to live by faith. ” – Dr. Larry Crab on Grief Share : Your Journey From Mourning To Joy