Mourning to Joy

I started today by watching The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe. I love this film because it shows these kids who tried to escape a war only to be fighting in one themselves. It shows them being afraid and not thinking they can be kings/queens or brave enough to fight the witch and her army but still they go out in battle. I love the Lion in it because he reminds me so much of Jesus and how he fights for us. The minute the movie started where Peter had to yell at Edmund and ask him why can’t he do as he’s told – I start getting emotional. I see Edmund holding onto the broken picture frame of his father and I start thinking of my cousin so I cried for a good while. I became sad during the movie after I cried and I knew I needed to be with God, just  the two of us – to do some grief work and so I started it. Day 3 in this book is about being authentic, sharing my weakness and sadness with others – saying I’m sad and I need help. I hate doing that, it’s easier for me to say I’m okay even though every part of me wants to just weep uncontrollably. I’m a part of a support group for people who want to leave the homosexual lifestyle, we’re meeting this weekend and I haven’t even open the book to do my home work for it. I realized through answering the questions in this grief workbook that all this grieving is just too much. I’m grieving my cousin, I’m grieving friendships I have to leave behind or put aside for now because of Same Sex Attraction and because of the issue itself. Opening that book and answering those questions is just another reason for me to be overwhelmed. I’ve decided to follow God even though I don’t like what the Bible says about homosexuality and I’m following him even though I don’t know all the “whys” and “how’s” to everything surrounding this issue. I don’t want to look back/think about what I’m giving up because if I do I might not want to give it up and answering these questions might do just that – remind me of what I’m giving up. People say it should be easy for me since I’ve never been in the lifestyle, but I think for my own journey the fact that I haven’t been in it is what makes it hard to leave behind. How do I say I miss something that I’ve never had or will never have? How do I communicate this to someone else without them thinking I’m close to the edge and about to fall? I’ve decided to follow God but that doesn’t make it any easier to keep walking forward, if anything it makes it harder for me to keep saying no to my flesh and yes to him. I wish I didn’t have to do all this work, what work am I doing? I just thought of the movie Annie, she’s so used to being lil orphan girl Annie, cleaning up the place and doing everything. She gets to this new place, a beautiful castle I’ll call it and immediately she starts working and cleaning up until she’s told that she’s a guest in their home. I’m a guest, I’m an heiress to God’s kingdom sure I’m on earth but it still applies to me – I’m his child, a princess who needs not work. He’s doing the work in me, I just need to keep saying yes to him, to trust and lean on him when I’m scared and unsure of what to do or where to go. He’s never left me before and he’s always protected me, why would he stop now? 

Aslan is on the move 
God is on the move

Keep hurting. Keep trusting. Don’t quit. – Grief Share Your Journey From Mourning To Joy


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