Up out of the ashes let us see an army rise… Breathe breath of God now breathe. Dead hearts come alive. – Lauren Daigle ❤️
This has been sitting in my draft “box” for so long and I didn’t even plan to write about this tonight but what the hey! I’ve been doing some grief work in a book and so a lot of the things I write about now has to do with my grieving process and things I’m learning through it. A question/exercise from Session 1 says I should write a letter to God about my fears for the future and so this is an extension if you will, from that letter. In Celebrate Recovery we go through 12 steps and 8 principles and unfortunately, I keep getting stuck between 1-3.
- We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable.
- We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
- We made a decision to turn our lives and our wills over to the care of God.
- Realize I’m not God; I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life is unmanageable.
- Earnestly believe that God exists, that I matter to Him and that He has the power to help me recover.
- Consciously choose to commit all my life and will to Christ’s care and control.
My sponsor keeps reminding me about those in particular because I find it hard to wrap my head/heart around the fact that God loves me, that he can help me and that he is God who is enough to do everything, there isn’t anything too hard or impossible for him. Some of the fears involve this grieving and where people tell me it will get easier and one day I will remember him and instead of feeling pain/sadness I’ll feel peace and joy, but I don’t believe it. It also includes my struggle with same-sex attraction, so many people say it’ll get better and I will be free and healed, this feeling and these triggers won’t be so intense anymore, yet I can’t believe it. My sponsor who is living in freedom right now says the same thing over and over again but it just sounds like music to my ear, it’s nice to hear but I don’t believe it for myself. I’ve left homosexuality behind, I give it over to God daily, I might not need to do that but I do because the temptation and triggers are a lot at the moment. I at times feel as if I’m losing a part of me; through the grieving of my cousin and with leaving same-sex attraction behind. I was once a cousin to someone I loved and I once called myself bisexual, a title/label I claimed with people I trusted. I never acted on these desires but I still saw it as who I am, I lived the life of a bisexual in my mind and behind closed doors. Now I’m dying to it daily and it’s not an easy task, especially when I don’t know exactly where I’m going and I don’t completely believe it’ll work. I feel confused, buried beneath a pile of confusion and doubts of what I’m even doing or what’s ahead for me in the future. God says he will heal me, he will guide me and restore me but I’m having such a hard time believing he truly means me and not the next person. God is a huge God but somehow I think he needs my help and if I don’t help the right way and at the right time he can’t heal me. Someone once told me that God knows my heart, he knows I want to please him and if I go the wrong way, he will show me the right way and correct my path. I watched Moana today and there was this one scene or many scenes actually where Moana is being led by the ocean and waves. Moana falls asleep or something I can’t remember, but she goes off a bit to the right and so the ocean tapped her on the shoulder and simply turned her around to the left. I got emotional when I saw that because I felt God speaking to me, he was telling me that he’s leading me and when I do go on the wrong path, he will correct it and lead me back to his path for me. I keep going back to that image God has given me when I get scared, I’m a little girl and I’m hanging onto his feet. I feel safe there, I know who’s feet I’m hanging onto and I know in that moment when I put myself there, that I will be okay and I am safe. God will heal me, he will bring about the freedom he’s already given me and one day I will walk in that freedom because even though I will make mistakes, God’s desire is for me to be free and to walk with him completely whole and free. You will heal me, up out of these ashes I will rise and it’ll be beautiful as I am beautiful.
I just remembered a verse a friend sent to me and she asked me what words stood out to me : “It was faith in Jesus that made this crippled man well. You can see this man, and you know him. He was made completely well because of trust in Jesus, and you all saw it happen!” – Acts 3:16
The words were “crippled” and “completely well”, I’m crippled at the moment and God’s desire for me is what I have for myself, to be completely well.