You surround me with your favor as with a shield.
I had a dream last night and up until now, I had forgotten about it. I have these spiritual attacks sometimes while I’m sleeping, I’ve had them since I was either a young child or a teenager can’t remember but it’s where something’s holding me down on the bed and I can’t move. Not everyone will say it’s a spiritual attack, some will say it’s something scientific with your body but I say demons are fighting for my soul and body and they attack when I’m asleep and when I’m awake. This time I don’t quite remember if it happened as I was sleeping and half awake or if it was a dream within a dream but something happened last night. A demon was on top of me trying to hold me down and for awhile it did, normally I’d sing “Jesus loves me” I’d yell out “Jesus” multiple times and I’d even make a cross with my fingers to get rid of the demon and darkness in my dream, this time I didn’t do all that. This time in my dream I was more aggressive; I yelled out Jesus’ name either once or twice, I didn’t sing Jesus loves me and I didn’t make a cross with my fingers. I got rid of this demon by calling on Jesus’ name then I grabbed it by the face and the eyes then I slammed that sucker to the ground, burying it deep beneath the earth. It wasn’t until now that I even realized that I’m being more aggressive even while I’m awake, it might not feel that way but I am. Today in church our pastor said we shouldn’t judge our race by the outward appearance but by the efforts in which we run and tackle certain things. I feel weak and worn out but just couple weeks ago I wrote up a battle plan for myself. This battle plan included all the things I needed to grab a hold of the freedom God has for me : Getting a sponsor and finding accountability partners are just a few of the things I listed, I also wrote out a prayer that I try to pray each day and night to help me surrender things to God. I wrote down possible candidates to be Sponsor and accountability partners for me and then I asked each person. I tried to figure out what areas I need help in and who would be beneficial to what area, over the weekend I felt God telling me to just ask these people and then I can figure out later what area to work on which each. I made that brave approach by texting each people and asking them to join my accountability team and they all said yes. I already have a sponsor from last week and I see it helping me once I reach out to these people. I might not always “feel” as though I’m being aggressive because I feel so weak and tired but my heart is the one doing a lot of the fighting, it’s my heart that keeps saying no to what my flesh wants and yes to what God wants me to do instead. It’s my heart that led me to Christ that day when I confessed my sins and decided to lay homosexuality and all my desires at his feet, it’s my heart that wants to follow God even when it’s painful to my body and mind. I’m thankful God reminded me of that dream and his interpretation of it, I’m thankful that even though I’m wasting away on the outside, I’m being renewed and made complete on the inside day by day because of Christ and his love for me. He was with me when I was born; that day when the doctors and my father thought my mother and I wouldn’t make it, he was with me when I had to be away from my mother during my first days on this earth because she was still weak and needed to rest, he was with me when I went home, he was with me when they brought me back to the hospital for hernia operation, he was with me when I had asthma attacks and almost died, he was with me during those nights I slept in the hospital for yet another hernia surgery, he was with me when my parents fought and all I wanted was for him to stop it, he was/is with me through all my identity confusions – my rebellious stage and he’s with me now. He’s never left me and he won’t now, no matter how many times the devil tells me he’s gone on to someone better, he’s with me and nothing I do or don’t do will make him leave me. I’m sitting in his lap and he’s hugging me as tight as anyone could ever hug a child because he loves me and he wants to comfort me. I love that I’m loved by him.