Oh December

I thought I lost this post but it was still sitting here! I wrote this post and it made me realize how much this month’s arrival has been affecting me. It allowed me bawl, not just cry but bawl and so I’m glad I found it and it wasn’t lost.

December is fastly approaching and practically here already and I’m not quite sure how I feel about it. My heart is heavy and maybe through writing I can get some release or clarity. December used to be a treasured month for me; Christmas first of all and also my birthday but this year it’s a reminder that I’ve lost someone I love and he’s really going to leave us. Nothing makes a death more real than the burial, there’s no going back or pretending it didn’t happen. The other day my heart stopped beating for a sec because I thought the date on the bus said “Dec 2”, I kept thinking no I’m not ready. His funeral will take place on Dec 17, while his birthday would’ve been celebrated on Dec 11. I’m completely dreading the 17th and I don’t want it to get here. I won’t even get to be there, to be around people who knew him and love him like I do, I won’t be able to say goodbye like everyone else. This is one time I don’t like having a unique or special journey, this time I want to be like everyone else and be with everyone who’s suffering like I am – misery loves company! I’ve been trying to hide it even from myself but the pain of knowing these dates are almost here is real. I guess this is normal, who wants the date of their loved one’s burial to get here and get here soon. I just can’t believe that he’s gone and that I won’t be able to see him or talk to him again – in Heaven I’ll see him, while I’m here on earth sorrow, tears and death still exists. I guess that’s something I can hope for and look towards, that day in Heaven when we see each other again and that day he’ll know for sure how much I love him. Till then I’m hurting and in pain, I feel like Job and King David; my pillow is soaked with tears at nights, I’m worn out from all this groaning and aches in my body from grief and sorrow. When will it end? It’s the price I pay for loving someone so deep and so much. I’ll get through this month, I’ll be okay. Please send me your angels to minister to me day by day God, send me your people, show up at my bed side and comfort me. I’m in need and I can’t make it without your help.

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