Trust in Him

I wasn’t going to post this but I feel the need to so…

Im ashamed to write and share this with anyone but you my Lord. I’m stressed, stressed and afraid of things I can’t control. I gain peace for awhile and then anxiety comes back again. I’m applying for jobs and stress is over taking me where I have no clue when I’m going to start working again. I feel as though I need to be at home for months for peace to sink in where I trust you to get me a job. Why do I need to be home for that long to trust you? You’re the God who spoke the world into being. If you can say let there be light and the light appears, what’s too small or big for you to do? If you care so much about the birds and the lilies in the valley, why wouldn’t you care much more about me – your daughter who you created in your own image? Will I ever get to that place where I trust you every second of the day? Maybe not on this side of heaven but I want to get as close as I can to that trust because I need it. I feel weak having to go to you so many times during the day and most times it’s about the same thing – worry, stress, fear, anxiety and not trusting you through all that. Taking each thought captive is a lot of work, it’s exhausting and it’s what you’re asking me to do. I start applying to jobs, answering questions in different workbooks I have or continue my inventory and all those thoughts come rushing in – thoughts declaring failure before I’ve even begun. By the time I’m half way through an activity I’m exhausted from trying to ignore the thoughts. Sometimes I ignore them so well that I don’t even realizing I had each thought until I sit down and I’m quiet like I am right now. I claim defeat instead of victory before I begin anything, I say I can’t/they won’t want me/ I’m not good enough and I carry that with me for the entire day until I realize it and talk to you about it. Those old tapes keep playing over and over again in my head telling me who I am/who I’m not and what I can/ can’t do. Others see who I am and what I can do before I do, they speak it over me and it sounds good and I let it resonate in my heart and mind for awhile then it’s as if reality hits and I say no they must’ve been kidding because that’s not me. Who says it not me? Who told me that? Who tells me who I am? Is it my parents? Friends? Siblings? Myself? Or God? I’d love it to be God, he tells me who I truly am but I listen to the lies. He says I’ve been redeemed, he says I’m strong, capable of doing anything because of him, he says I’m a star – a light on a hill and salt on the earth. He calls me his beloved and his chosen one “his servant”. Why can’t I rest on who God says I am? Why do I try to be everything and everyone to others and even to myself but I leave God out of the picture until I feel all burnt out and I need him to rescue me? I hear it all the time; don’t worry, don’t be afraid, let it go and trust in God and I’m trying, believe me I am. It just doesn’t come easy; practicing worry, fear and controlling things comes easy to me, I’ve been doing it for over 20 years. Trying to act differently in months won’t cover it all. When I realize I’m doing it I have the option of changing like I am right now. Writing, talking and praying about it helps because in someway it gets me out of myself even though I’m talking about what’s going on inside me. God didn’t give me a spirit of fear but of power, love and self control. He doesn’t call me to worry but to trust that he loves me, that he’s taking care of me right now and that I’ll be always be okay despite my circumstances. He left me with peace and it’s not the kind of peace that the world gives but peace that surpasses all understanding. Peace in the middle of the storm is what he gives me. Peace to know he’s with me and he’s for me, if he is for me who can be against me and nothing is too big for him. I am HIS, I BELONG to him and he loves me. 

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.” – Proverbs 3:5-6

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