The Gap

I visited my therapist today after not seeing him for over 6 months. I wasn’t sure what we would talk about because I have so much going on and I just didn’t know where to begin. I decided to talk about being anxious, fearful and overwhelmed easily which also led to me talking about the passing of my cousin. Up until today I thought I handled the 1st week since he died pretty okay, I knew I was in denial for the first day but I had no idea I became numb. He asked me how I felt when I found out he died and I told him I was shocked and then I just shut down, I stopped talking and I can’t remember what happened after. I was able to remember bits and pieces while I sat there and talked but there’s a gap and I didn’t even know it was missing until I was asked about how I felt during and after the news. I did this exercise with my therapist where I would keep telling the story over and over again from the beginning and each time I’d remember something. For the life of me, I couldn’t remember what happened during that period of numbness. I was shocked when my sister called me, and then the day or days after I was angry at him but between shock and anger, I can’t remember what happened. I can’t remember what happened before my sister called me and I can’t remember what happened afterward in that day/week. My sister was able to tell me how I reacted to the news and how quiet I became several days after, she remembered how her day was going before it happened and how she felt when she got the news and even after the news – I’m not that fortunate because most of it is a blur. I’ve had moments like this before; where I’m faced with a traumatic event, I shut down and then I forget what’s going on as if I block everything out to cope. Now I’m trying to associate myself with these feelings but it’s not easy at all because, before today, I thought those days were clear as crystal to me. I hope it gets clear, now I know something is missing I’m afraid it will always be missing and so I won’t get pass it or heal from it. God wouldn’t reveal this to me unless he wanted to bring me through it, as my therapist said there were 3 parts to me that week – the girl who was in shock, who then felt numb and angry. God wants me to bring those 3 parts of me to him, in the green pasture by the still water – to love them, hug them and allow him to do the same.



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