Im feeling such pain and sorrow right now – I’m trying to pray to you to let you know how I’m feeling but I’m all out of words. Spoken words don’t seem to be enough, sitting in silence just awake my thoughts and the harder I try to fight those lies the more I seem to believe or swallow them whole. I try to say I know I’m going to be okay, or I shouldn’t be feeling this way, I shouldn’t be crying – I need to be strong and not walk around like the world is on my shoulder because I have to be strong for everyone else but I’m hurting so much. I feel as though I shouldn’t be hurting or crying so much about something that’s in God’s hand but I can’t stop crying. I feel as though I’ve let everyone down, I feel lost and just don’t know who I am at all. I feel the same as when I went to that leadership training and I came home feeling so ashamed and as though I’ve let everyone down who believes in me. I’m hearing those same voices that says I wasn’t good enough before why would I think I am now – why shouldn’t I believe those thoughts? I don’t see anything as proof that I am good enough/enough at all, people see it in me but I can’t see it. It’s the grace of God why I keep going because every part of me wants to give up, every bone in me says what’s the point in continuing. I can’t see the light at the end of this tunnel, all I see is darkness and pain and I just want release. I try to find release in others but God keeps bringing me back to him, release with him takes longer and I want quick release. I just want to be held, I’m scared and in desperate need of comfort – I need that from God but I find it hard resting and waiting for him to show up. Why are you so far away and so silent when I need you? You tell me to trust you, you say you will help me and I’m here crying out to you and you’re nowhere to be found! I need you every second of the day and it’s as if you’ve left to be elsewhere with someone more worthy. Why aren’t you here with me? I can’t sleep, I can’t sit still/rest because my mind won’t allow it. How do I be still and know that you are God when my mind and heart isn’t at rest. I’m afraid to share my concerns with anyone but you and I can’t find you – you’ll be understanding, you won’t judge me, you’ll be kind and gentle, you’ll be loving, you’ll allow me to keep crying and you won’t question why I’m crying because you already know why I’m in so much pain, you know more than I do and all I’m asking is for you to sit here with me in this pain and please hold me. I’m not afraid anymore for you to hold me, I’m not afraid to be close to you – just please show up and hold me.