Powerless

I’m being broken, crushed and stripped of everything I thought I needed or claimed my identity in. Who am I? What am I here for? How do I keep going when I don’t know where I’m going? I’m beyond scared of that next step and what God has for me. People keep saying I’m going to be okay or they believe in me – from where I’m standing I don’t believe in myself and I don’t always believe it’ll be okay. I feel so powerless, my life is falling apart around me and all I can do is stand and watch it disappear or cry in a corner while it’s all happening and I can’t stop it. I feel weak with each step of obedience I take, with my hands raised to God saying I give you this and every time I kneel and pray “God I need you” or I just cry because the words can’t seem to come out. I want to believe every day that I’m worthy of being saved but I don’t, nothing from my past says I’m worthy of being loved that much. All I want is to be free, all I want is to receive and feel God’s love for me and even that I need God’s help with because I don’t know what that looks like or feels like. I’m powerless to change and the only person who can truly help me is God, please help me to let you help me recover God. Please help me to find my true identity that’s in you and you alone, not in my good works but who you say I am. I’m lost and in so much pain but like my heart, I surrender my pain and my ability to be found and seen in you. Help me to take your hand as you call me to walk on these waves with you and to believe that they won’t crush, overcome or drown me but bring me to a higher and deeper place with you. I surrender my powerlessness to you, I surrender the recovery process of Same Sex Attraction to you, I surrender my weakness, I surrender my fears, my insecurities and doubts, I surrender my worth and value, my need to be loved and wanted, I surrender my fears of being close and intimate with you – you are not mankind, you won’t  hurt me so I surrender my preconceived notion that you will hurt me if I get close to you, I surrender my fears that you’re like man always wanting and expecting something from me then leaving once you get it, I surrender my belief that similar to my father I have to do good works to get your love in return, I surrender who I am to you – all of me, my femininity,  my name and identity, you know who I truly am and I lay my false identity at your throne asking you to remake me into the woman you created me to be. Take these dirty ragged clothes and give me your robe of righteousness instead. I ask for your help and strength to leave them surrendered to you, to walk in the truth that you are good, you love me and you are for me. You’re stretching me to form that image you intended me to be, not to crush/break/take from me but to make diamonds. 

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