The Process

I don’t really know where I am going with this, as it’s been for many things I’ve written that turned out to help me in the end. The last thing I wrote here was a vague yet very emotional release of a decision God brought me to make on that day. I officially became a leader at Celebrate Recovery (CR) on Feb 7, 2016 and while I shared my decision on Jan 7, 2017 that I’d be stepping down, it wasn’t official until yesterday, Feb 21, 2017. It’s funny how God is very specific and intentional, even with dates. Until now I didn’t even realize the date I received my orange lanyard at the CR leadership meeting was also the 7th. So, the step study started on Sep 7, 2016 – my sponsor confronted me about my denial on Jan 4th 2017, we met with the training coach on Jan 6th, I prayed about and shared my decision with them on Jan 7th and the new step study leaders will start us through book 3 on Mar 7th. The 21st might not have any other significance except that it’s my birth date. All that to say, God cares; even the tiniest detail possible; he sees, he knows and he cares. Today I felt sad for awhile, I was in my head a lot and I sat for 15 seconds. I remember as I hit start on the microwave and sat to talk to God – I even said, this isn’t enough time for you to respond but why am I sad?…Please show me. He didn’t show me at that exact moment but it was enough time for me to say “God I need you please help me” and so he did. He showed me that while i’m feeling relief and peace now that the step study ladies know, it’s also a stepping stone for me to go deeper and process all this. As I wrote that I had to stop and think, a stepping stone means i’m going higher – so why go higher to go deeper? Some things just work that way, sometimes I have to go deeper to go higher and this time its the other way around. I’m going higher to Christ and that woman he’s calling me to be so I have to die to myself and with that I need my heavenly father’s hands. Realizing that I still need to process this at another level makes sense, I knew deep down that announcing it to the women wouldn’t be the end, sure I’d feel peace but in some ways the work is just beginning. Now I get to talk about this in my open share group, before I couldn’t do that because the women didn’t know at that time. Now it’s time for me to process it with a group of safe people who love me and know what i’m going through to some extent. Now I get to walk this road with Jesus at a different level and know that he wouldn’t reveal this to me, or ask me to take this road unless i’d be okay in the end. Similar to the creation, God created the world in 6 days and rested on the 7th, God is remaking me. He is breathing life into me and bringing to life those dry bones, he is taking my heart of stone and giving me a heart of flesh. He is handcrafting me to look like the original masterpiece he created me to be – the Rembrandt, the creation, HIS BELOVED. Like a caterpillar shedding her skin and then rebirthing into a beautiful colorful butterfly, that day will come when I will soar as I am meant to, I will shine as bright as he intends, I will be as beautiful as he already knows me to be and on that day I will know even more than I do now, that I am free and I am his beautiful creation. I thank God, that day is coming.

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