“You are standing, just wait till you get there. ”
Sometimes I hear God speaking or showing me things when I’m half awake and half asleep, I’ve not heard from him in that way for quite some time but this morning – just when I needed to hear it, I saw it right before me with my eyes closed but my vision clear I saw those words I placed in quotations. I’ve had some really hard days and sometimes I felt like I was drowning or falling beneath the cracks of my home. I’ve been struggling with wanting to fix everyone and everything as well as relying on God to be the glue instead of myself. My brain says I’m good, that everything is going to work out because I genuinely believe that but my heart is hurting, my back hurts from carrying the burden and load of others which I was never meant to carry. At times there’s an internal tug of war that goes on within my mind and heart, the tug towards unhealthy thinking or way of life and the tug towards my true self, the part of me that God wants me to hold onto. Sometimes I don’t know which is which and it causes anxiety in me when I try to be my true self but question who that might be. Something in me screams to just run away, in the past, it would be to escape physically, now I hear that voice telling me to run away emotionally and mentally – don’t sit, don’t stay, just ignore everything that’s going on inside. As I listen to Diamonds by Hawk Nelson, I realize just how much pressure it takes to produce diamonds, if those rocks had feelings they’d scream but in the end, they become shiny, beautiful and worth alot o dough. I’m in that process right now, in many ways im screaming but i’m also waiting expectantly for that diamond and butterfly to show up in me. I watched Moana this morning and it made me see again how similar I am to her, the way she repeats who she is out loud, she even says her name with such pride and confidence and what she will do, not only what SHE will do but what Maui will also do “I am Moana of Motunui. You will board my boat and restore the heart to Te Fiti.”…. “I am Moana of Motunui. I will board my boat and restore the heart to Te Fiti.” Its amazing what happens when you know who you truly are, when I say my name out loud and the truths about who I am, it gives me the confidence to walk boldly because when I know who I am, no one can tell me otherwise. Every morning I look in the mirror and I say the most honest words to myself, I say ” I’m a beautiful strong black woman” and I thank God for making me a woman. I say those words not because I believe them oh so much and its a way to boost my ego but because I struggle with the truths of who I am, so I chant these truths each day and I can see those truths more clearly as my identity now. I say out loud who I am once those lies come in and I try not to focus on the “who i’m not” claims – I say I am beautiful, I am not gay, I am a woman, I am whole, I am complete, I am enough, I am smart, I am capable, I am Royalty, I am a daughter of the Most High King, I am set a part, I am free, I am a child of God, I am the head and not the tail, I am victorious, I am fearfully and wonderfully made, I am loved, I am wanted, I am seen, I am chosen etc. For so long I have devoured and digested the lies spoken over me and now i’m chewing, and living on the truths of who I am – similar to Moana. In the middle of writing this, I realized I was writing what I wasn’t feeling, I was writing from pain and confusion till I said out loud “but I’m not feeling this way”, I changed it around and landed on that Moana speech which is where I think I am now – embracing my true identity and not being afraid to speak it out loud. Before, I would be kicking and screaming, but I think now that I believe God is for me and not against me, I’m embracing this transformation. As the waves and winds come I can choose to trust that even the wind and waves obey him. I can choose the truth that while this process is confusing at times or it’s painful, that God is still with me in the boat and on the waves as I step out, I can choose to trust that he will work out all things as I surrender to his will and that he won’t leave or forsake me as it gets tough. I can keep standing and wait till I get there.