” I am yours”
Those words spring up a well of emotion within me, I don’t consciously sit and think about how much i’d love to hear the words spoken to and about me but I guess somewhere in me, is a girl who longs to be someone’s one and only. Which girl doesn’t? It wasn’t until early 2016 that I realized there is someone who sees me as their one and only, someone who says “she is mine”, “she belongs to me, she is my beloved and I am hers”. I felt loved for the very first time and I didn’t have to undress to receive this love, this love was always there but I didn’t always receive it because I didn’t see it as something to receive. 2016 was the year I felt part of his love, the part I allowed myself to feel. It wasn’t until January of 2017, when it seemed like my world fell apart that I realized he was still there and he cares. He sees my beauty when i’m at my worst, when I wake up and have my hair looking all beast like, he smiles and says “there’s my love, the one I’ve chosen”. He looks at me and sees a beautiful sunrise, sunset, rainbow, waves rushing upon the shore, birds flying high and a curvy mountain all rolled into one and he smiles. He holds my hand and wipes my tears as I cry, he never tells me to stop crying or even asks why i’m crying, he just allows me to feel without judgment. I’ve spent years trying to find love, acceptance, happiness and worth from everyone and everything – from women, men, parents, peers, family, through drinking, smoking, whatever it might be and nothing worked. I couldn’t find anything to clog or fix that gaping hole in my heart and so I kept searching, I kept finding new ways to feel and escape pain until I met HIM. It took me a while to believe he could actually love me because underneath all that desire to be loved is the lie that I don’t deserve it, that i’m trash and unworthy of being someone’s one and only. I fought his love, I ran away from it, I denied it and I threw it in his face numerous time; until an overwhelming love showed up that I could no longer fight or deny. His love showed up and even though I was scared and at times still am, I accept it, I receive it and I embrace it as truth. I am no different than the others he’s loved, I don’t deserve it any more than they do but the love I receive from my King is unique to only me. His love for me tells me i’m special, that i’m worthy to be someone’s beloved and chosen one. His love doesn’t say how I should act or who I should become in order to keep his love, it tells me i’m loved as I am and all I need to do is rest in it. I’ve never met love as real and kind as this, I’ve heard others speak about it but never have I felt real love. Love, as much as its desired, is a scary thing to achieve and hold onto. Loving someone says I might get hurt but you’re worth the risk. Loving him felt the same at first, what if he hurts me like all the others? He showed me time and time again that he’s not like the others and he will never hurt me. I’m learning to let go of my fears and grab a hold of his love that has overtaken me because who can truly love me like my heavenly father; the one who created me and knows everything about me? Definitely not mankind or the bottom of a Heineken bottle. He’s seen me at my worst yesterday, today, tomorrow and he still loves me. How could I pass up on an unconditional love so strong as that? My God, my knight in shining armor, my Prince loves me and calls me his and this is where I want to be for all eternity; in his love. In his love I am free, I am loved, I am safe and I know everything will be okay. I am okay being me because I know being me is enough.
“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear,…” – 1 John 4:18