“When through the deep waters I cause thee to go, The rivers of sorrow shall not overflow.” – Unknown
I am not sure where this is going and that’s okay, God will lead. God has been healing me through many past pains, i’ve felt a lot of it since last year. It started with a friendship I had that suddenly ended and caused me a lot of pain, fear and resentment. Through therapy he took me through the pain caused from daddy and now I sense him taking me through another pain. A pain I don’t want to enter, a pain I constantly want to ignore and run away from because its so intense. The pain and wounds caused by my mother. The mother who loves me, who would always give me kisses and hugs, who would say I love you and call me ‘mommy’s pretty girl”. The mother who would soak me in hot baths and read the Psalms of David to me when I was sick, the one who would come to my school with that embarrassing “space inhaler” when id get an asthma attack. My mother who paid for tutors and extra lessons at school so I could get in the best High School possible. She noticed me, she saw me, she wanted me around – not because she wanted me to be her errand girl and get the remote but because she liked having me around. The person that made me feel safe even though she couldn’t really protect me, being around her still made me feel safe. Through therapy I remember an image of me as a little girl, holding onto her legs as daddy got angry about something, it didn’t stop his yelling but I felt safe at her feet because she’s my momma and I knew she loved me. Knowing all that makes it extremely hard for me to admit that she’s not perfect, she’s great but not perfect and just like others, she’s hurt me. This pain is probably harder to feel and go through than the pain I felt from daddy. I hated him so the only thing I found hard in that healing process was to forgive him but admitting and identifying with the pain was a breeze because I enjoyed blaming him for things. Your parents are suppose to stick around and whether they leave for a night, week, month, forever the pain still stays. The pain told me as a little girl that i’m not worth fighting for or sticking around for. Her absence told me that I did something wrong, I made her leave – i’m not good enough and she left me. She didn’t leave “me”, but which child will see and believe that? I don’t remember when I started to think like this, 3/4 comes to mind and i’m just gonna go with that – that’s the age I was when she first left I think. When she was nowhere to be found, I can see myself crying, not crying for anyone but crying for her, she’s who I always cried for because she would hold me and kiss me. I stood crying for awhile not knowing what’s going on or where she was but I knew something wasn’t right. I think at that age I just noticed something was off and the next time it happened, I was around 6-10, I thought “so this is how it is!” People will just leave, no matter how kind and loving they are, they will leave. I carried that belief in all my relationships and expected it to happen, not knowing it came from my mother leaving me behind and forgetting me. She said she planned to come back for us; my sister and I, I believed that for like a minute then I stopped. The last time she left us, I was much older, whole other story that I won’t get into right now but she left again. I had resentment that stayed with me for months, this time I really believed she left me, that I wasn’t enough and this man that I once hated meant more to her than I did. Why was I always left behind? Why wasn’t I worth fighting for? Why was I forgotten and ignored? Why wasn’t I enough? God says I am seen, worth fighting for, I am enough but through this grieving/healing process I feel the pain that she’s caused and the pain says otherwise and I am not quite sure what to do with it. I know I should believe God’s truth and who he says I am, but what do I do with the pain? Write about it, talk about it and feel it – i’m not believing the lies when I do that but it still needs to get out somehow. I know my momma loves me, I know daddy loves me – they did their best knowing they didn’t have role models to teach them how to be a parent. This past week i’ve felt the pain so much that at times I felt like I wouldn’t get through it and yesterday I felt God telling me to not rush through it, that its not going to kill me and i’m going to make it. Hearing his voice allowed me to just sit in the pain and later on take a nap – I didn’t journal and at times I would try to escape the pain by reading but I eventually stopped and just sat/laid there. I dunno how he does it but he’s doing his work and that’s what I need because I can’t heal myself, I can’t wash these wounds – they sting and only he knows the right remedy for it. I found this song today as I woke up and it made me cry, I hope it gives you hope too!