Unfinished

I’ve been having some unbelievably painful days – I don’t even know if I said that correctly but imma leave it anyway. My brain is a fog, a haze so forgive me if my words sound the same. I’m at the moment sitting; listening to the birds, being close enough to the sun to feel its warmth but not get burnt and listening to worship songs. I just cried as I thought, all I wanna know God is that you’re sitting here with me cuz I can’t handle this pain and then the song Unfinished by Mandisa came on. I had no idea I’d be able to complete my goal of sending out a blog post this week and then the idea of Unfinished as a title came to mind….so here I am. I’ve felt anything but “Unfinished” this week…I felt finished but not in a “complete” way, more like I’m dead, this is it take me now! Pain, sadness and grief came upon me in such a mighty way since last Friday and it grew even more on Sunday. At times I’d think the sadness, inner rage and tears wouldn’t end. Yesterday I went in the bathroom cuz that’s my hiding place at times and screamed, I held a towel to my mouth and screamed! Normally I’d throw things but I guess screaming is okay. Today I felt peace knowing Jesus sat with me on that kitchen floor when I was 3, crying for my mother because I couldn’t find her, she had left.  I felt peace knowing he’s there but I was and am sad that SHE wasn’t there. I can see my grandma and daddy, I can see me but not her. I didn’t realize or remember I was abandoned by her or better yet, I didn’t know it hurt & affected me so much until this revelation. It makes more sense to me now why I think, feel and act the way I do. She was my hero and my safe zone, similar to what’s happening now – when she left my fragile world fell apart and crashed, the world I knew was no longer safe because she was no longer safe. It’s amazing what we hide and ignore as a way to protect ourselves, I hid this so well that I would’ve never believed this happened except that daddy would bring it up ever so often. I’d hear him talk about it but I didn’t know it affected me. Now I can’t get through a full hour without feeling sad, anxious, overwhelmed, angry or tearful. I have to take breaks from the real world to sit in the quiet; sometimes the quiet is filled with sadness sometimes it’s filled with peace, I never know which one I’m going to get. Sometimes God takes me back to that kitchen, my least favorite place and he invites me to sit there because that’s where the sadness is. Sometimes it’s just my 3 year old self, sometimes it’s the grown up me holding her hand as we sit together, sometimes Jesus joins us – most times it’s Jesus and her, because she’s really the one hurting, grown up me apparently didn’t even know it happened. That probably makes no sense whatsoever to most people but it does to me and that makes it easier for me to know how to care for myself. If I know who’s hurting I know how to better treat myself. A three year old responds and receives things differently to a 20+ year old woman. If I know who’s hurting I know how vulnerable she is and what can tick her off to start screaming/panicking/wanting to run away. I know when I’m tempted that it’s not the object of my affection that I’m craving but whichever part of me is being affected. I want the apple dangling in front of me because my inner child needs tender love and care. I detached my thoughts and feelings from my body a very long time ago so it’s as if I became separate entities living in one body and now they’re slowly being put together again to form one. Trusting God and the process he has me on isn’t easy, it gets overwhelming sometimes and I think that happens when I ignore that small voice inside me that says “take a break”, “sit with me”, “feel”, “accept”, “embrace” or “cry. I’ve never been one to trust my thoughts or emotions, they’ve never felt safe/good so I ignore them. Through the healing process I think sometimes I need to trust them or at least weight them on Jesus’ scale and see what he says instead of always saying no that’s not true/good/needed right now. I’ll spend the entire day trying not to feel and the minute I allow myself to feel whatever I need to feel, I’m able to say “oh I get it now and I’ll be okay or I get it now I need a whole lot o help”. I hope and pray I’ll get better at this, I don’t want to live my life always running away from my thoughts and feelings because I think they’re not good/safe. I want to be able to embrace my emotions because they’re a gift from God instead of fighting them all the time. A friend told me today as I was being honest about feeling overwhelmed and sad, that I need a good cry and she told me to not fight it, those words alone made me cry. I’ve learnt to fight for so long that I tend to even fight myself and my emotions instead of loving and embracing them. This week and moving forward I hope and pray this will be something I practice more regularly; to allow myself to sit and feel and not fight this process of healing. 

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