God has been doing some deep inner cleaning with me since last year, just when I think it can’t get any deeper, the word psych! comes to mind. A friend of mine told me yesterday or was rather praying that instead of me asking God why is this happening or why me? That I would instead ask what is he wanting to do in me or what am I to do during this particular time, at this very moment. I believe God just wants me to lean on him during this time, he knows it’s hard and that I get scared from time to time so he just wants me to rest in him. Rest in today’s culture or at least in the cultures I’ve been in don’t see rest as a good thing. My least favorite phrase that I’ve learnt from my childhood is “I’ll rest when I’m dead”, what a horrible thing to say and believe in. Since Thursday I’ve been practicing more and more to rest in the uncomfortable feelings, I listed them in a journal entry as I wanted to see what part of this process I should be resting in. These are the emotions I try to rest in – fear, anxiety, overwhelmingness and sadness. I find that very hard to do because they pop up ever so often now and I keep saying or thinking I don’t have time for you again, go away green monster! I say that but eventually I have to do it anyway because I honestly can’t get through my day unless I stop and rest in it. Yesterday I needed to rest in those emotions for hours and I tried to cheat that until I couldn’t anymore so I surrendered. It’s hard to stop and rest when all that needs to be done is screaming at you that it needs to get done right now or else! But, God knows what he’s doing….he’s that parent that sees all the way down the road because he’s been there and he knows what comes next. He knows what I need moment by moment and day by day. He knows what he’s talking about when he says you’re having a hard time my child, why don’t you rest on my shoulders? He knows what he’s doing when he cleans out all the junk thats been in me, when he says you feel empty because I’ve emptied you of all that doesn’t belong to refill you with what belongs. I am not sure which is more uncomfortable; the emptying or the refilling, both feels strange and painful. I am not sure which painful/beautiful activity he is doing at what time and I guess that’s not for me to know. I just need to know that all he wants from me during this time is to rest in him and to trust him. To rest in him will be different each time throughout the day; one moment I will need to just sit and be quiet, another time I need to pray and ask for help as well as admitting out loud really for myself to hear, that he is faithful and will not leave me, one moment I might even need to just cry – I don’t always know why I’m crying but sometimes I’m filled with such sadness that the tears can’t wait to come out and in the next moment it’s through listening of worship/bible reading/art & craft/ swimming/walking/journaling. So many things to choose from and so many times I choose to run away instead. God is faithful till the end so while I might fight to sit with him and my emotions, he is faithful to pursue me through all that and more. The key is knowing what he wants me to do and following that; similar to a baby learning to walk, I will trip and fall sometimes but my Heavenly Father will be kind and gentle in helping me to get back up, to walk some more until I’m standing tall.