To rise means one has to die to something or be laid low for awhile and I feel as though that’s been my posture for quite sometime now. I listened to a song today ” Take me to the king” and a section in it says my soul refuses to die and I think that’s the only part of me that refuses to die. Something in me says get up and keep going because I really just want to lay low and not fight or push forward at all. God has been showing me a reverse mental picture of things that happened last year; messy things are happening and I try to hold onto hope that chains will be broken and my heart will be healed. I sense and believe God is working but the crucifixion/death to life is as what it should be; painful. Jesus keeps me floating on the waves in this storm, I’m not drowning and my head isn’t barely above sea level as I at times believe but I’m actually on the waves. I am not quite sure how to leave the storm as yet and I don’t believe it’s time for me to leave. When I choose to stand on the truth and waves instead of looking at the storm then I believe I will rise and I will get through all this. I remember that God is faithful, that he is my shield and my defense, that he is fighting for me; his daughter and his beloved one. I believe that he is in the storm with me and I am not alone. I believe that I can hold onto his feet or hand when I get scared and he won’t push me away and say stop being a wimp, instead he will say do not fear, do not be discouraged for I, the Lord your God am with you. He will go before me and lead the way, because he is leading me I won’t get lost or fall by the wayside. I can rest on his shoulders when I get tired which is ever so often and he will carry me through. Every time I go through a crappy season I say yes, this will be part of my story, you will definitely make your way to my testimony because you’re worthy enough to write about and this is one of those seasons. Crap all over till it’s spewing over to the neighbor’s yard. Thank God he uses crap and messy stuff to create beautiful stories and that no pain goes unnoticed or unused for him, so this manure will be recycled and turned into a story, hopefully soon so the pain ends but I know it’s best when it ends in God’s timing. In church the other day our pastor mentioned that there’s an appointed time for pain to end, that gave me hope. I can’t see when it’s gonna end and maybe that’s a good thing because I’d probably panic even more when I see how long it’ll take or I’d give up on spending time with God when I see it’s gonna end tomorrow. It gave me hope because it means the beginning and end is in God’s hands, he knows when things will happen and when it’s going to end. He isn’t worried or panicked when it hasn’t ended after two days, he waits patiently because he knows what he wants to do in us takes more time than just having the pain end. I try to be patient but I’m human and sometimes I ask God why? Why is there more? Why hasn’t this ended as yet? Why is this happening again? Where are you? Why does my heart feel separated from you? Why am I still grieving and mourning? Why is there MORE stuff to grieve and mourn? Am I there yet? Is it finished now? *crickets* God doesn’t always answer the why questions, he will sometimes tell me what I can do. Tonight he led me to the book of Daniel, starting in chapter 10 which was very fitting, then worship and now this. There’s really no point in me fighting and wrestling with God because he will always win, I try to win but I can’t with him, in the end I choose what he wants me to do and it’s always what’s best even if the process feels yucky and doesn’t fit well with what I’m used to. He knows best and if he says I will rise and get out of this better than when I went in then I will fight to believe that, even when the enemy tells me otherwise. His eyes sees what I can’t see so he knows where he’s leading me and what needs to be done for me to get there because I can’t get to that place with my chains and baggage from years ago or even yesterday, I gotta drop them off somewhere. I can’t see it at times but the word says I am being renewed day by day, so I believe, everyday I lose a part of myseld that needs to go and I get something else in me that’s from God. I will try to hold onto and think about the new parts that God’s putting in me, instead of dwelling/thinking about the parts that’s being removed. Addition was always my favorite thing in Math, who wants things taken away? So I will be true to myself and continue to like addition in everything, especially in my life where God is adding a lot more than what’s being taken away or a better word in this case is “replaced”. Death is being replaced with life. So thank God for that, with him I will rise.