Thank You!

I’ve never sent one of these before and that’s a down right shame. I see you, I notice you and I thank you so very much for all your support. I started this blog when I didn’t think I had anything to say or write but with each post I sent out I kept getting great responses. You don’t have to read/comment/share/like my posts or follow my page but you do and for that I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. 

Have a blessed and hopeful week!!!

Wounds Washed Clean

“When through the deep waters I cause thee to go, The rivers of sorrow shall not overflow.” – Unknown

I am not sure where this is going and that’s okay, God will lead. God has been healing me through many past pains, i’ve felt a lot of it since last year. It started with a friendship I had that suddenly ended and caused me a lot of pain, fear and resentment. Through therapy he took me through the pain caused from daddy and now I sense him taking me through another pain. A pain I don’t want to enter, a pain I constantly want to ignore and run away from because its so intense. The pain and wounds caused by my mother. The mother who loves me, who would always give me kisses and hugs, who would say I love you and call me ‘mommy’s pretty girl”. The mother who would soak me in hot baths and read the Psalms of David to me when I was sick, the one who would come to my school with that embarrassing “space inhaler” when id get an asthma attack. My mother who paid for tutors and extra lessons at school so I could get in the best High School possible. She noticed me, she saw me, she wanted me around – not because she wanted me to be her errand girl and get the remote but because she liked having me around. The person that made me feel safe even though she couldn’t really protect me, being around her still made me feel safe. Through therapy I remember an image of me as a little girl, holding onto her legs as daddy got angry about something, it didn’t stop his yelling but I felt safe at her feet because she’s my momma and I knew she loved me. Knowing all that makes it extremely hard for me to admit that she’s not perfect, she’s great but not perfect and just like others, she’s hurt me. This pain is probably harder to feel and go through than the pain I felt from daddy. I hated him so the only thing I found hard in that healing process was to forgive him but admitting and identifying with the pain was a breeze because I enjoyed blaming him for things. Your parents are suppose to stick around and whether they leave for a night, week, month, forever the pain still stays. The pain told me as a little girl that i’m not worth fighting for or sticking around for. Her absence told me that I did something wrong, I made her leave – i’m not good enough and she left me. She didn’t leave “me”, but which child will see and believe that? I don’t remember when I started to think like this, 3/4 comes to mind and i’m just gonna go with that – that’s the age I was when she first left I think. When she was nowhere to be found, I can see myself crying, not crying for anyone but crying for her, she’s who I always cried for because she would hold me and kiss me. I stood crying for awhile not knowing what’s going on or where she was but I knew something wasn’t right. I think at that age I just noticed something was off and the next time it happened, I was around 6-10, I thought “so this is how it is!” People will just leave, no matter how kind and loving they are, they will leave. I carried that belief in all my relationships and expected it to happen, not knowing it came from my mother leaving me behind and forgetting me. She said she planned to come back for us; my sister and I, I believed that for like a minute then I stopped. The last time she left us, I was much older, whole other story that I won’t get into right now but she left again. I had resentment that stayed with me for months, this time I really believed she left me, that I wasn’t enough and this man that I once hated meant more to her than I did. Why was I always left behind? Why wasn’t I worth fighting for? Why was I forgotten and ignored? Why wasn’t I enough? God says I am seen, worth fighting for, I am enough but through this grieving/healing process I feel the pain that she’s caused and the pain says otherwise and I am not quite sure what to do with it. I know I should believe God’s truth and who he says I am, but what do I do with the pain? Write about it, talk about it and feel it – i’m not believing the lies when I do that but it still needs to get out somehow. I know my momma loves me, I know daddy loves me – they did their best knowing they didn’t have role models to teach them how to be a parent. This past week i’ve felt the pain so much that at times I felt like I wouldn’t get through it and yesterday I felt God telling me to not rush through it, that its not going to kill me and i’m going to make it. Hearing his voice allowed me to just sit in the pain and later on take a nap – I didn’t journal and at times I would try to escape the pain by reading but I eventually stopped and just sat/laid there. I dunno how he does it but he’s doing his work and that’s what I need because I can’t heal myself, I can’t wash these wounds – they sting and only he knows the right remedy for it. I found this song today as I woke up and it made me cry, I hope it gives you hope too!

Bethel Music – You’re Gonna Be Okay (Lyric Video)

 

 

 

New Name

What is it about our false self and lies that makes it so hard for us to let them go? We’re called mean and hurtful things to our faces, behind closed doors, in our mind and as much as we hate those words and names, the letting go part seems impossible. We say no that’s not me, here’s who I am but like a dog returns to it’s vomit so we return to these lies about who we truly are. The lies I hear tells me I’m ugly, gay, fat, skinny, stupid, alone, not woman enough, not enough, a burden, not safe etc Because we are so used to these lies, they’ve become a part of us and a way to let them go is to renew our minds. How do we renew our minds? For me its to speak truths over myself when those lies come in and this is hard, I have heard these lies for so long so speaking the truth for a month or two won’t get rid of them for good. I listen to encouraging songs that speaks life and truth, I surround myself with people who are walking alongside me and choose to spur me on to love and good deeds instead of only looking out for themselves by tearing me down one way or another. It might not be everyone’s cup of tea but I spend time in the word, I invite God in and ask him to show me who I really am, sometimes I receive his truth about me easily while sometimes it takes a while to believe. I hear God’s truth about me in nature; a sunset/sunrise/the waves/rainbows and butterflies and I hold onto those truths. Holding onto the lies about who we are can be very draining because when we believe the lies, we’re not living life as our true selves, we’re being imitations and that will never bring peace or joy. Jesus says we are a city on a hill, salt of the earth and light of the world  *See Matthew 5 : 13-16* – how can we be all that when we don’t believe it or know who we truly are? How can we accept that we’ve been found and saved if we still believe we’re lost and irredeemable? The answer is we can’t. We can try, we can get somewhere but we won’t get to the place we’re meant to go unless we start to see and believe the truths about who we are. It’s hard for me to speak or write when I walk in believing I can’t, that he or she is better, those aren’t my gifts/i’m no good at it. Those lies tell me to quit before I’ve even begun and it leaves room for self doubt and discouragement. I listen to those lies and others will never get to hear what I have to say whether it be spoken words or words in writing. Someone will always be better than I am, and as I write that I see that might also be a lie. Why do we have to be “better” than someone else, can’t we just be equals? My writing and speaking style is different from others, does it mean they’re better than I am or vice a versa? Nope! It just means we have different styles because we have different gifts and personalities. 

I had an amazing and beautiful opportunity to work on and showcase my cardboard testimony last night at my CR with women i’ve grown to love for more than 9 months now. This was the 1st time I worked on my cardboard and I didn’t compare it with anyone else’s. I had fun working on it and because God has been working in me, my creative side that I didn’t know existed till last year played a huge role. I believed the words I had on my cardboard, no matter what the others had written on their board, I knew what mine said and I believed every word. I believed where I was before and I believe I am who God says I am now….Brand New. I am no longer lost and worn out, living in sin/chaos, darkness or confusion. In the past I couldn’t believe that verse about being a new creation in Christ and now I do. I couldn’t fight the lies with the truth and while its still hard, I keep fighting because I don’t want to live the lies anymore. People won’t know the real me if I don’t even know who she is or if I really like her. I am NOT my thoughts. I am NOT my feelings. I am NOT my weaknesses. I am NOT my failures. I am NOT my mistakes. I am NOT my shortcomings. I am NOT my dysfunction.

I am a Child of God

I am a daughter of the most high King

I am Found

I am Seen

I am Wanted

I am Loved

I am Pursued

I am God’s Temple & Dwelling Place

I am Whole

I am Wise

I am a Woman – this one still gives me heart palpitations but I had to write it because it IS who I am

I am a Friend, a sister, an aunt, a daughter etc

I am Transformed

I am Courageous

I am Brave

I am a Survivor

I am Beautiful

I am Enough

I am Brand New!


Hosanna Poetry – I have a New Name

This is just the beginning

“In the pain you can be brave.” – For King & Country 

 When I was discouraged a friend of mine sent me this verse (being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus – Philippians 1:6). Things didn’t make sense to me, a journey’s vision didn’t play itself out the way I envisioned and I felt like a failure. Many times the vision I had for myself just didn’t play itself out, each time I’d question what the heck God was doing and why it has to be so hard. Why couldn’t I get things right, why was I still struggling with the same thing the same way I did yesterday, why was I going in a circle like the Israelites in the wilderness? It’s weird saying “was” or using the past tense here because while I do struggle every day because I’m human and I have my weaknesses, the struggle isn’t as horrible as it used to be, it’s frustrating but not horrible or impossible for me to stand on God’s truth anymore. My sponsor told me couple months ago that God hasn’t changed, he’s still strong and able to help me when I’m tempted but I’ve changed, I now believe he will help me. Two steps in recovery I couldn’t get past, I didn’t believe in them so I instead glossed over them. These steps were the core/foundational steps and principles in recovery and while they sounded nice to the ear, I couldn’t grasp how they applied to me. Principle 2 I believe is really where I was stuck, I didn’t have a problem turning certain things over to God but hard stuff I’d hold onto because I didn’t really believe Principle 2 was for me. 

Step 2. We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity

Principle 2. Earnestly believe that God exists, (that I matter to Him) and that He has the power to help me recover. – For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose. Philippians 2:13 NIV

I knew God exist and that he was powerful but that I matter to him? Me? No!!! He cares about “her” or “him” but not me, I’ve been forgotten, unseen, unwanted and unloved for most of my life by most people around me, how could I believe that God would see me, want me and love me the same way he does with “her” or “him”? I couldn’t grasp that concept until I started seeing a therapist and even more so when my sponsor pointed it out. When I started to heal from my past and was able to receive God’s love for me, he became my all. When I received his love for me, accept and believe it, it became easier for me to ask him to help me. 

 Step 3.  We made a decision to turn our lives and our wills over to the care of God. – Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God – this is your spiritual act of worship. Romans 12:1 NIV

More and more I’d see his love for me and how much I needed his strength and power to help me, I started to need him for everything. It’s not easy needing him and going to him every time I was in need but thankfully God isn’t me and he doesn’t see my constant need for him as a bad thing but he loves that and desires more of it, it’s in my need and brokenness that I choose to cry out to him and sit with him. Before recovery I didn’t know I could get help with my attraction to women, I didn’t know help existed, in my mind I thought I’d have to live with it for the rest of my life and either date both genders  or be alone, I had no clue I’d ever get 5 months of victory from it!   I didn’t know I’d have friends that are women, women I truly love and have a healthy safe friendship with. Tempting thoughts will come up because I have weaknesses but I’m learning to fight those thoughts and for my friendships which allows me to enjoy these relationships in a beautiful way. I can look at women who are attractive and say to myself “I’m beautiful, this isn’t what God has for you, you are not gay, you are a child of God and you are enough”. I can thank God for creating beautiful women and worship him instead of his creation. I cannot give enough credit to God for what he’s doing in and through me, it would never end. He’s fulfilling his promise in me, he’s come in to clean up all the mess that I unknowingly and consciously kept as titles, identities, labels and lovers. The other day in therapy he gave me a vision of something I know he’s doing, a vision a friend gave me last year that I held onto. I’m a little girl dressed as a pirate; in dirty, torn and raggedy clothes that obviously didn’t belong to me or fit me. I saw Jesus holding me as I was, gently washing my feet and body in a calm and beautiful river. He started to remove my dirty and torn clothes and replaced it with a beautiful pink dress that fits me perfectly. I sense him doing that a lot and it made me cry as I watched him take care of me in such a gentle way. He’s changing me from the inside out and all I had to do was be willing and open to him, every time I surrendered to him and went to him for help, he shattered another falsehood and placed more of him and the real me IN me, and now I get to walk in that .
Today is a day of celebration for me and so I had to write a post – my step study ended a week ago which means we’re celebrating tonight as a group! I’m celebrating a personal victory because on this date last year I released someone to God, someone I’ve held onto for years unwilling to let her go and incapable of doing so on my own. Never thought that victory,  in and of itself was possible, but God truly has the power to help me recover and he will finish what he started. He is faithful and HE will make me completely well and healed. 

From 0 days to 5 months!  


Glorious Unfolding – Steven Curtis Chapman

He who promised is Faithful

“Bear your cross as you wait for the crown. Tell the world of the treasure you’ve found”  Elevation Worship – Oh Come to the Altar 

It’s hard at times to trust or believe the promises God has spoken to us will actually play itself out and come to life. We sit and wait, expecting it to happen now or this way and it doesn’t. Instead of the promises being bright and evident; we face pain, heartache, battles and everything that does not feel good. We start to question did I really hear from God? Maybe that was just my wishful thinking and I’ll never get that which he promised, whatever “that” might be. He promises he’ll never leave us, sometimes he feels far away but he does promise that he’ll be with us. We might have fathers who promised they’ll show up, they’ll be around, they’ll give you a gift you’ve always wanted but they didn’t and now we at times think God is the same. He’ll say “this” will happen but he doesn’t really mean it, who am I to deserve love, happiness, healing, marriage, Ministry, kids etc. I am a child of God, you are a child of God and thankfully God isn’t like man, he can’t change and neither does his word/promises. Not every promise goes for everyone, someone might be promised kids while another isn’t – we are special, unique and so are our promises. God’s promises to us takes time, not because he’s holding out on us as we sometimes think, but he ultimately wants us to seek HIM first, he wants us to pursue him even more than we seek the promises he’s given us. He wants me to seek him more than I seek healing from same sex attraction, trying to fight the urges or  figure out what I can do so I’m not attracted to a girl won’t lead me to healing, it’ll help for awhile but then I get worn out. Seeking God above the urges, desires and wants is what will lead me to the promise of healing and restoration. Sometimes I forget that, sometimes I get so caught up in trying to get healed that I forget God is the healer and not a book or my strength. He says in his word that he came to give us life and life abundantly, to make me completely well and I can only get that from him. Bearing one’s cross to get to that promise and crown isn’t easy; its excruciating, embarrassing at times, not to mention tiring. Jesus had to do that to get his crown, he had to walk with his cross and say yes to God, he had to die to himself so God could bring about his promise for us. Just because it’s painful and you can’t see it taking place in your life, doesn’t mean God isn’t working behind the scenes to bring about that promise he made to you. Trust that he’s cooking up something huge and it’ll take time because it’s so big, if he were to give it to us now it wouldn’t mean that much or it wouldn’t be all that he wants it to be. He’s promised me several things and I feel as though this year is my season of waiting, I hate waiting but I know it’s best to wait than to rush ahead and try to grab that promise on my own. Who am I to know all that God has in store? He’s told me a bit because I’m his child but I don’t know everything, I’m glad I don’t know everything – I only know some of the “whats” and that God’s the one in control, I don’t know the when or the how or even who will be involved to partner with me as we partner with Christ. All I know is that God is in control, once he’s made us a promise, trust that he will come through because his word never crumbles or falls away – it stands the test of time. Trust him with the promises and wait as he works all things out for our good and his glory and be amazed at what he does when that day comes and his promise is fulfilled. 


Elevation Worship – Promises

Bethel Music – Take Courage

Conquering the Giants

From my devotional today – How has Satan attempted to work his way into your heart and your thinking? How does this affect your view of your circumstances? 
I’ve been realizing that whenever I get to a place of victory my mind immediately goes to the next thing I need to do to “be better”. I listen to and for awhile I tend to believe the lies that I’m not good enough and I won’t make it. That’s how the enemy gets into my heart and thinking. When I listen to the lies and look at my circumstances through the lens of lies and fears – my circumstances seem like a giant and as if I’ll never get over these hurdles or mountains. Today I went on a hike and since my knee injury last year I haven’t been able to do that, I tackled and conquered not only a 6.4 mile hike but also my fear of heights, fears that after today I’m sensing is disappearing. I finished the hike and soon as I was heading down hill my mind wandered to all the things I need to do once I get to the bottom of this mountain; I need a bath/shower cuz I’m wet and smelly and I hate being wet and smelly, I need to do my chores at home, I need to fill out these forms for college…I need I need I need. God guided me in speaking truths over myself and to reject the lies and embrace the truth; that he is with me and I should be proud of accomplishing what I’ve done. There’s so much I can put in this of what God showed me but the main thing I got from my devotional is that Jesus is my giant slayer, he’s slaying these giants in my life one by one and he’s gonna continue to help me to slay even more. I can be healthy in many ways and I don’t have to dwell on the lies that I can’t or won’t make it. 
Devotional : Goliath Must Fall 

Dear Younger Me

I went searching for peace, not just any peace but silence yet a word from God. I’m learning more about myself and the uniqueness that makes me, me. Nature calms me down; whether it be looking at birds flying or a duck sticking its head under water and at times just going for a walk brings me serenity. Although I love peace as everyone else does, sometimes my view of peace is not the correct view – I at times think peace can only come about when everything looks and feels dandy and so I’m at peace. The last place I expected to find peace was in the middle of the chaos and what looked like a tornado on the street. I went to this street and the first thing I said out loud was “lawks! what a piece a mess!”, then I told myself that I need to leave quickly cuz I’ll definitely not find peace here. As I got to the middle of the mess, I felt the need to sit, not that I was tired, but I sensed I needed to sit there – so I did. I sat there, looking at the mess and I felt peace. I heard that still small voice, the voice I’ve been searching for in all the prettiness and smooth looking pavement, only to find it amongst the trash flying about and cracked holes in the ground. Similar to the messy street is my life; unmanageable, chaotic and messy but by the grace of God it’s not my identity and it’s not who I am. I asked my Lord what’s the significance of the dried up leaves in this story of my life and at first I thought of dried bones and the prophet Ezekiel but I think God wanted me to take something else from it, something that felt more positive to me – not saying dried bones coming to life isn’t positive but this was at another level for me. Those dried leaves represent the old me; the old pains and way I’d do life, everything that made up the fake me, they were falling off and being thrown away by God. “I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten…” – Joel 2:25 this passage has new meaning for me now, I didn’t see how beauty or growth could come from death and pain but somehow it’s rising. That little girl who went to bed with tears in her eyes while trying to be strong for others around her, had no idea it would or could ever get better. I’d pray day after day to this God my parents told me about until I gave up hope on him and the situation getting better, what kind of a God allows abuse and sits silent as his daughter cries out to him for help? Why did he even allow it in the first place? I don’t know all the answers but I do know that the God my parents told me about heard my every cry, he might not have shown up the way I expected or thought I needed, but he showed up every single day and every moment without me even calling him. He said he’d help and he did, he’s helping right now by changing those wrongs done to me and wrongs I witnessed by giving me a voice I thought I didn’t have. What the enemy meant for evil, God has meant for good and he’s turning my pain into life and beauty. The strength I had no idea I had as a little girl has kept me alive, I hid my feelings and tears because it wasn’t safe but now I find it freeing to cry – the one thing I was scared to do, I now find such peace doing. I read in Exodus recently and for the first time I saw Moses’ birth story to be God’s story of remaking and turning things around from death to life. I realized that the source of death, the place and way Moses should’ve died by human and evil’s standards became the place where he was found, rescued, saved, drawn out of and given life. The enemy and Pharaoh wanted him dead but God had a much bigger plan for this little boy, he not only wanted Moses to be alive and to be found but he wanted to use him to set his people free from slavery and bondage. Moses being born in a race that was looked down upon by the leader of that day didn’t stop what God had planned for him, being a Hebrew boy wasn’t going to stand in the way of God’s plan, being adopted and thrown away in a basket on the River Nile didn’t disqualify him from the calling God placed on his life – God saw him and knew from day one that he would be used for great things no matter what was done to him or what he did to others. He restored what the locusts had eaten in Moses’ life as well as the Israelites who were enslaved for what looks to be over 400 years and he still does that today. I wish the younger me knew things would get better, but I guess if I did I wouldn’t have prayed and I wouldn’t have done dumb things that brought me to God, I wouldn’t have used the strength God has given to me if I knew tomorrow would be okay, I learnt to fight because I wanted to survive and that I did. Recently I’ve been thanking my younger self for being so brave, courageous and such a fighter, those qualities in me kept me going and still keeps me going, but it all started with that little girl who’d be so scared she’d bite all her nails off till they’d bleed and become sore and fall asleep with her thumb in her mouth. I thank God for using those qualities in me during that time, I see it now as another training experience that lasted longer than I’d hoped but to become a master at anything I need to fully train and that training will keep going because I’m always learning new things and climbing new mountains.