The Process

I don’t really know where I am going with this, as it’s been for many things I’ve written that turned out to help me in the end. The last thing I wrote here was a vague yet very emotional release of a decision God brought me to make on that day. I officially became a leader at Celebrate Recovery (CR) on Feb 7, 2016 and while I shared my decision on Jan 7, 2017 that I’d be stepping down, it wasn’t official until yesterday, Feb 21, 2017. It’s funny how God is very specific and intentional, even with dates. Until now I didn’t even realize the date I received my orange lanyard at the CR leadership meeting was also the 7th. So, the step study started on Sep 7, 2016 – my sponsor confronted me about my denial on Jan 4th 2017, we met with the training coach on Jan 6th, I prayed about and shared my decision with them on Jan 7th and the new step study leaders will start us through book 3 on Mar 7th. The 21st might not have any other significance except that it’s my birth date. All that to say, God cares; even the tiniest detail possible; he sees, he knows and he cares. Today I felt sad for awhile, I was in my head a lot and I sat for 15 seconds. I remember as I hit start on the microwave and sat to talk to God – I even said, this isn’t enough time for you to respond but why am I sad?…Please show me. He didn’t show me at that exact moment but it was enough time for me to say “God I need you please help me” and so he did. He showed me that while i’m feeling relief and peace now that the step study ladies know, it’s also a stepping stone for me to go deeper and process all this. As I wrote that I had to stop and think, a stepping stone means i’m going higher – so why go higher to go deeper? Some things just work that way, sometimes I have to go deeper to go higher and this time its the other way around. I’m going higher to Christ and that woman he’s calling me to be so I have to die to myself and with that I need my heavenly father’s hands. Realizing that I still need to process this at another level makes sense, I knew deep down that announcing it to the women wouldn’t be the end, sure I’d feel peace but in some ways the work is just beginning. Now I get to talk about this in my open share group, before I couldn’t do that because the women didn’t know at that time. Now it’s time for me to process it with a group of safe people who love me and know what i’m going through to some extent. Now I get to walk this road with Jesus at a different level and know that he wouldn’t reveal this to me, or ask me to take this road unless i’d be okay in the end. Similar to the creation, God created the world in 6 days and rested on the 7th, God is remaking me. He is breathing life into me and bringing to life those dry bones, he is taking my heart of stone and giving me a heart of flesh. He is handcrafting me to look like the original masterpiece he created me to be – the Rembrandt, the creation, HIS BELOVED. Like a caterpillar shedding her skin and then rebirthing into a beautiful colorful butterfly, that day will come when I will soar as I am meant to, I will shine as bright as he intends, I will be as beautiful as he already knows me to be and on that day I will know even more than I do now, that I am free and I am his beautiful creation. I thank God, that day is coming.

Powerless

I’m being broken, crushed and stripped of everything I thought I needed or claimed my identity in. Who am I? What am I here for? How do I keep going when I don’t know where I’m going? I’m beyond scared of that next step and what God has for me. People keep saying I’m going to be okay or they believe in me – from where I’m standing I don’t believe in myself and I don’t always believe it’ll be okay. I feel so powerless, my life is falling apart around me and all I can do is stand and watch it disappear or cry in a corner while it’s all happening and I can’t stop it. I feel weak with each step of obedience I take, with my hands raised to God saying I give you this and every time I kneel and pray “God I need you” or I just cry because the words can’t seem to come out. I want to believe every day that I’m worthy of being saved but I don’t, nothing from my past says I’m worthy of being loved that much. All I want is to be free, all I want is to receive and feel God’s love for me and even that I need God’s help with because I don’t know what that looks like or feels like. I’m powerless to change and the only person who can truly help me is God, please help me to let you help me recover God. Please help me to find my true identity that’s in you and you alone, not in my good works but who you say I am. I’m lost and in so much pain but like my heart, I surrender my pain and my ability to be found and seen in you. Help me to take your hand as you call me to walk on these waves with you and to believe that they won’t crush, overcome or drown me but bring me to a higher and deeper place with you. I surrender my powerlessness to you, I surrender the recovery process of Same Sex Attraction to you, I surrender my weakness, I surrender my fears, my insecurities and doubts, I surrender my worth and value, my need to be loved and wanted, I surrender my fears of being close and intimate with you – you are not mankind, you won’t  hurt me so I surrender my preconceived notion that you will hurt me if I get close to you, I surrender my fears that you’re like man always wanting and expecting something from me then leaving once you get it, I surrender my belief that similar to my father I have to do good works to get your love in return, I surrender who I am to you – all of me, my femininity,  my name and identity, you know who I truly am and I lay my false identity at your throne asking you to remake me into the woman you created me to be. Take these dirty ragged clothes and give me your robe of righteousness instead. I ask for your help and strength to leave them surrendered to you, to walk in the truth that you are good, you love me and you are for me. You’re stretching me to form that image you intended me to be, not to crush/break/take from me but to make diamonds. 

Come to my rescueΒ 

Im feeling such pain and sorrow right now – I’m trying to pray to you to let you know how I’m feeling but I’m all out of words. Spoken words don’t seem to be enough, sitting in silence just awake my thoughts and the harder I try to fight those lies the more I seem to believe or swallow them whole. I try to say I know I’m going to be okay, or I shouldn’t be feeling this way, I shouldn’t be crying – I need to be strong and not walk around like the world is on my shoulder because I have to be strong for everyone else but I’m hurting so much. I feel as though I shouldn’t be hurting or crying so much about something that’s in God’s hand but I can’t stop crying. I feel as though I’ve let everyone down, I feel lost and just don’t know who I am at all. I feel the same as when I went to that leadership training and I came home feeling so ashamed and as though I’ve let everyone down who believes in me. I’m hearing those same voices that says I wasn’t good enough before why would I think I am now – why shouldn’t I believe those thoughts? I don’t see anything as proof that I am good enough/enough at all, people see it in me but I can’t see it. It’s the grace of God why I keep going because every part of me wants to give up, every bone in me says what’s the point in continuing. I can’t see the light at the end of this tunnel, all I see is darkness and pain and I just want release. I try to find release in others but God keeps bringing me back to him, release with him takes longer and I want quick release. I just want to be held, I’m scared and in desperate need of comfort – I need that from God but I find it hard resting and waiting for him to show up. Why are you so far away and so silent when I need you? You tell me to trust you, you say you will help me and I’m here crying out to you and you’re nowhere to be found! I need you every second of the day and it’s as if you’ve left to be elsewhere with someone more worthy. Why aren’t you here with me? I can’t sleep, I can’t sit still/rest because my mind won’t allow it. How do I be still and know that you are God when my mind and heart isn’t at rest. I’m afraid to share my concerns with anyone but you and I can’t find you – you’ll be understanding, you won’t judge me, you’ll be kind and gentle, you’ll be loving, you’ll allow me to keep crying and you won’t question why I’m crying because you already know why I’m in so much pain, you know more than I do and all I’m asking is for you to sit here with me in this pain and please hold me. I’m not afraid anymore for you to hold me, I’m not afraid to be close to you – just please show up and hold me. 

I am 29!!!! πŸ’•πŸŒŸπŸ˜Ž

The enemy is trying to steal my joy and I will not allow it today, not on my birthday. I’m going to be grateful instead.

  • I’m alive, another day I’m alive 
  • I’ve lived to see another year
  • I’m 29, I’ve been alive for 29 YEARS 
  • I’m grateful for the birds outside my bedroom that sing every morning as I wake up 
  • I’m grateful for the sweet smell of the rain
  • I’m grateful for the sound of the rain as it beats down on the ground
  • I’m grateful for the wind and the way the trees flow from side to side
  • I’m grateful for the birds that fly way up and free as can be – dipping down low and then back up again
  • I’m grateful for my parents, the way they always sing Happy Birthday to me even when I’m far away, I’m grateful for the duet they sent me this morning 😊
  • I’m grateful for the love daddy shows me now, it’s not easy for him and so I know I mean a lot to him when he says ‘you’re special to me and I’m glad you were born’
  • God loves me, I’m special to him and he cares about every detail of my life
  • Thankful for all the texts and happy birthday songs I received today from friends and family 
  • My nephew sang me happy birthday today, I think he did it to annoy me but I know his reasoning comes from a place of love so I loved it 
  • I’m happy I’ll get to spend my birthday with my home family and my CR family tonight for our Christmas Dinner 
  • I’m glad God wants to spend time with me
  • I’m grateful for my step study and every person in it
  • I’m thankful that God didn’t give up on me but he kept coming back until I said yes to him and leading the step study 
  • Im grateful for my sister and the relationship we now have, growing up we weren’t close 
  • I’m grateful for more freedom, healing, peace, heart and wound mending that God’s doing in and for me right now 
  • I have a sponsor who wouldn’t give up on me when I wanted to give up on her, myself and freedom so I’m thankful for her
  • I have a place that I call home here in the US and Jamaica πŸ‡―πŸ‡² 
  • I have a bed to lay in and duvets to keep me warm at night 
  • I have warm water to take a shower with
  • I have food to eat and water to drink
  • I can walk across the street and buy whatever I want 
  • I have friends and a family that loves me
  • I have a table in my room filled with cards and flowers from people who love and care about me
  • I have a pretty shiny Christmas tree in my room that I turn on and it lights up my room in the best way 
  • I have a beauty and the beast doll set that’s by my bed and I feel joy whenever I look at it because I remember that day I bought it and how God encouraged me to get it
  • I am beyond loved by the women in my step study and that still shocks me 
  • I have a house filled with my nieces and nephews, I’m gonna choose to spend this special day with them 

Thank you God for loving me today and always, thank you that I’m 29…I didn’t enjoy saying that until yesterday when I realized I was grumbling against you for keeping me alive. I’m alive and I thank you God that I’m alive!!! 

πŸ™πŸΎπŸŒŸπŸŽπŸŽ‰πŸŽŠπŸŽˆ

The DayΒ 

The day I’ve been dreading has arrived and somehow I made it through. I thought I’d die with you today because I just couldn’t see how I’d survive it. I had mixed feelings today; peace, anger, joy, anxiety, excitement and now it’s disbelief. Disbelief that you’re laying in the ground, never to walk the earth again and that’s just something I can’t fathom. I’m glad you got the perfect send off, I’m glad we were able to come together whether it be in Jamaica/USA/Canada and just celebrate how much you meant to us. It’ll probably take some time for me to actually believe that you’re gone but for today I think I wanna treasure the fact that I knew you and that I was able to call you my cousin. You will be missed for sure, memory can’t do justice as seeing your face and hearing you speak would but I treasure the memories today. I’m glad I was finally able to play dominoes with some friends today, God knew when he wanted me to honor you this way and today was the day. I won 4 outta 6 games, if we were a team you’d be pleased for sure! Life just won’t be the same without you and as things quiet down for the day I miss you even more. Know that we love you deeply and we will forever miss you. Walk good and we shall meet again one sweet day. Thank you God for your gift of comfort,joy,peace and many blessings you’ve bestowed upon me through this time. 

🌟