Lions, Tigers and Bears…Butterflies and Rainbows. Earlier this year God has been bringing the word and image of butterflies to me time and time again and recently he’s added rainbows to the mix. He’s made several promises to me and quite often I doubt these promises will come true. I doubt he will use me in ex-gay ministry, I doubt he will use me to make a difference in the world and in my generation. I doubt he will use me in my hometown of Jamaica to change lives and bring about hope and change. I doubt he will change me and I doubt I am changing in this moment. I doubt I’m becoming a butterfly and that rainbows will show up at the end of all this. I read in a devotional this morning that who I am right now and where I am right now, my current version is the right version of me for this moment in time. So often we strive to become a better version, we strive to grow, we strive to be complete and God says rest my child you are good where you are…let me lead you in my time and my way. His word says he will continue the work he has started in us until his return, which means while we’re living this side of heaven we’re always a work in progress, we’re always growing and changing and that won’t end until he’s back. I won’t be complete until Jesus comes, so all this pressure and fighting to be “complete” is pointless. Day by day I am being renewed and remade and I’ll become a butterfly then i’ll grow into something else as God sees fit. A passage we looked at this weekend at church is Luke 6:40 “The student is not above the teacher, but everyone who is fully trained will be like their teacher.” We focused on “fully trained” and what it means which is to be renewed, mended, repaired, restored, fixed or healed. Our teacher is Jesus, the king and we become like him as we are being healed, repaired, mended, fully trained in him and by him. This isn’t a one-time thing, I don’t get healed once and then that’s it for my healing, I go through healing every day whether it feels that way or not. I go through growth and restoration when I fight against my desires, when I say no to what feels right and go against the current of this culture. His promises stay the same and his vision keeps growing as he keeps healing me, the promise hes shared with me before are now larger and scarier – so large and scary that I keep it between God and myself because it almost seems absurd to think I can do what I think he’s saying we can do together. Who am I to dream and believe butterflies and rainbows will show up after these storms and drought? Who am I not to dream the impossible? Who am I not to hold onto the promises of my heavenly father when he says I will restore you to health and heal your wounds, when he says I will use you to make a difference in your generation? I am a child of God and I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. The brightness of the future, the many colors of the rainbows and the beauty in the butterflies sometimes scares me, it scares me because I don’t feel like I match up with it all to step into it and wear that new coat of many colors. The conflict I feel reminds me of this poem that I first heard in the movie Coach Carter…
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It’s not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” -Marianne Williamson
Going back doesn’t scare me because I know there’s nothing back there, it’s tempting at times but the truth that I don’t live there anymore stops me. However, stepping into the future is what scares me. I listen to the lies that I can’t deal with the things that follow growth; the trials and temptations and the decisions and results. Resting in Christ, in the truth that he is with me and he will hold my hand as I walk into more light is more imperative as I keep going, it doesn’t dwindle but it gets stronger as his light in me gets brighter. I pray as I did yesterday that God will give me the strength to believe his truths, his truth that he is with me, I am not alone and I can do what he asks of him because he is in me. He is not man to makes promises and not come through, all his promises will happen because they’re his promises and he is not a liar. Butterflies and rainbows are all around me, here and now and I will walk into what he has planned because he is leading me to the promised land flowing with milk and honey. Similar to the Israelites, I will leave the desert, the valley, the wilderness – I will walk into his promise, with him as my perfect shepherd.
One of my fight songs….
NeedToBreathe – Hard Love (Feat. Andra Day)
“It takes some time to make your courage strong.”