“In the pain you can be brave.” – For King & Country
When I was discouraged a friend of mine sent me this verse (being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus – Philippians 1:6). Things didn’t make sense to me, a journey’s vision didn’t play itself out the way I envisioned and I felt like a failure. Many times the vision I had for myself just didn’t play itself out, each time I’d question what the heck God was doing and why it has to be so hard. Why couldn’t I get things right, why was I still struggling with the same thing the same way I did yesterday, why was I going in a circle like the Israelites in the wilderness? It’s weird saying “was” or using the past tense here because while I do struggle every day because I’m human and I have my weaknesses, the struggle isn’t as horrible as it used to be, it’s frustrating but not horrible or impossible for me to stand on God’s truth anymore. My sponsor told me couple months ago that God hasn’t changed, he’s still strong and able to help me when I’m tempted but I’ve changed, I now believe he will help me. Two steps in recovery I couldn’t get past, I didn’t believe in them so I instead glossed over them. These steps were the core/foundational steps and principles in recovery and while they sounded nice to the ear, I couldn’t grasp how they applied to me. Principle 2 I believe is really where I was stuck, I didn’t have a problem turning certain things over to God but hard stuff I’d hold onto because I didn’t really believe Principle 2 was for me.
Step 2. We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity
Principle 2. Earnestly believe that God exists, (that I matter to Him) and that He has the power to help me recover. – For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose. Philippians 2:13 NIV
I knew God exist and that he was powerful but that I matter to him? Me? No!!! He cares about “her” or “him” but not me, I’ve been forgotten, unseen, unwanted and unloved for most of my life by most people around me, how could I believe that God would see me, want me and love me the same way he does with “her” or “him”? I couldn’t grasp that concept until I started seeing a therapist and even more so when my sponsor pointed it out. When I started to heal from my past and was able to receive God’s love for me, he became my all. When I received his love for me, accept and believe it, it became easier for me to ask him to help me.
Step 3. We made a decision to turn our lives and our wills over to the care of God. – Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God – this is your spiritual act of worship. Romans 12:1 NIV
More and more I’d see his love for me and how much I needed his strength and power to help me, I started to need him for everything. It’s not easy needing him and going to him every time I was in need but thankfully God isn’t me and he doesn’t see my constant need for him as a bad thing but he loves that and desires more of it, it’s in my need and brokenness that I choose to cry out to him and sit with him. Before recovery I didn’t know I could get help with my attraction to women, I didn’t know help existed, in my mind I thought I’d have to live with it for the rest of my life and either date both genders or be alone, I had no clue I’d ever get 5 months of victory from it! I didn’t know I’d have friends that are women, women I truly love and have a healthy safe friendship with. Tempting thoughts will come up because I have weaknesses but I’m learning to fight those thoughts and for my friendships which allows me to enjoy these relationships in a beautiful way. I can look at women who are attractive and say to myself “I’m beautiful, this isn’t what God has for you, you are not gay, you are a child of God and you are enough”. I can thank God for creating beautiful women and worship him instead of his creation. I cannot give enough credit to God for what he’s doing in and through me, it would never end. He’s fulfilling his promise in me, he’s come in to clean up all the mess that I unknowingly and consciously kept as titles, identities, labels and lovers. The other day in therapy he gave me a vision of something I know he’s doing, a vision a friend gave me last year that I held onto. I’m a little girl dressed as a pirate; in dirty, torn and raggedy clothes that obviously didn’t belong to me or fit me. I saw Jesus holding me as I was, gently washing my feet and body in a calm and beautiful river. He started to remove my dirty and torn clothes and replaced it with a beautiful pink dress that fits me perfectly. I sense him doing that a lot and it made me cry as I watched him take care of me in such a gentle way. He’s changing me from the inside out and all I had to do was be willing and open to him, every time I surrendered to him and went to him for help, he shattered another falsehood and placed more of him and the real me IN me, and now I get to walk in that .
Today is a day of celebration for me and so I had to write a post – my step study ended a week ago which means we’re celebrating tonight as a group! I’m celebrating a personal victory because on this date last year I released someone to God, someone I’ve held onto for years unwilling to let her go and incapable of doing so on my own. Never thought that victory, in and of itself was possible, but God truly has the power to help me recover and he will finish what he started. He is faithful and HE will make me completely well and healed.
From 0 days to 5 months! 🦋
Glorious Unfolding – Steven Curtis Chapman